Hi, I’m 29 and he’s 34. We are expecting our first child and because of that, I am unfortunately sicker than normal. I can’t do as much around the house as I used to, as it seems like it takes up 100% of myself to even get through my full time job.
My husband is a teacher, and has been, and I know that is hard and stressful on him. I know he doesn’t like it. He has looked for some jobs outside the field with no real luck, and because we are having a baby we need the stability I guess.
We have a lot going on, objectively. Our dog is dying and has dementia and won’t sleep at night most nights. Sometimes he sleeps but wakes us up randomly. Sometimes he doesn’t sleep at all. Sometimes he does sleep. He’s having accidents inside because he is old and doesn’t know where he is. We’ve also been sick and had severe illness in our immediate family.
Needless to say, I get that he is stressed. But like, every day he wakes up in a bad mood and every day he comes home in a bad mood. Sometimes he talks about stress and cries but he continues to not be in a good mood. He will yell about stuff in the morning. He will sometimes just pick fights.
My husband has always been a laid back, happy person but lately I just find myself not wanting to be around him because I know he will be in a bad mood. He complains about everything if we go out somewhere. Too many people, too much money, too crowded, he’s too tired. I’ve encouraged him to go to the gym, to wake up earlier and be less stressed, to talk to his therapist about it but it just seems to be getting worse.
I don’t know what to do. It’s not going to be less stressful when the baby comes. I feel totally lost on how to help him.
7 comments
Put the dog down, it’s not going to recover and its suffering is contributing to all of your suffering. Get your husband a heavy bag and a set of gloves. Start listening to Byzantine chant. Build a prayer life together if you don’t have one. Increase it if you already do have one.
Tell him to do daily mood tracking with you. Tell him you don’t even need to see his if he doesn’t want you to, he just needs data to see how his mood is day-to-day-to-day.
You are 100% correct that the baby is going to make it much worse and add stress. He needs to be armored against that before the baby comes.
Hopefully data will convince him.
Have you thought maybe the pregnancy hormones are affecting him on top of the huge stress of his work plus he is going to be a father? Check the couvade syndrome my husband had it while I was pregnant.
I also have a dog with bladder issues and a little confusion. He’s 17 but still doing mostly well! The best solution is dog diapers. You’re going to be changing a ton of them soon anyway – just do it for the dog too. It’s pretty easy to put them on and really helps with the puddles. They’re pretty cheap on Amazon and you just toss them after use.
I think you’d be surprised how much of his bad mood is his job. Before I became disabled, I was a teacher. I’m disabled in part because of the job.
Teaching isn’t just a hard job. These days, it’s a hellish job. It sucks absolutely everything out of you every single day and wears you down to nothing. And then he comes home and still has to have something to deal with everything going on there. He isn’t just a little stressed. He’s not okay.
Mood tracking would be a good start, but he also needs therapy. He needs a safe space to vent and to consider possible strategies for dealing with life and a really awful job.
It also sounds like he needs you to listen more. This is something that I have been working on with my husband, that I need to make sure that he has a safe space to truly talk about what’s bothering him so that it doesn’t come out sideways. I know it’s really hard because of the pregnancy and everything, but he really needs you. It’s starting to hit him just how bad this teaching year is going to be, likely, and he’s probably dealing with a huge amount of self-loathing and guilt about that.
I’m only addressing a small part of your questions, but I’m so sorry to hear your dog is dying. That in itself is really stressful and y’all may want to open up the discussion to put him to sleep. I know the thought of that is so sad, but he’s probably in pain and additionally causing lots of stress to the family.
I recommend opening the discussion about letting him go to a happier place.
I can relate to this. My husband can sometimes be intense and in a bad mood for weeks at a time. Does your husband see a psychiatrist in addition to a therapist. Sometimes having both helps. Maybe start a hobby or a project (something that would not be to much for you) together. I feel like that always helps. It makes him realize we are a team and he can actually talk to me without the bad mood affecting our communication.
Also never underestimate just asking what he needs from you. For me personally I had to ask my husband how to communicate best with him. I have a tendency of trying to provide solutions and not actually just listening to him vent.
Hopefully this helps!