As the title states, I can never get any one on one time with my dad anymore due to his new wife being so clingy and attached to him. For context, my dad got remarried to one of his old high school classmates from over 40 years ago. They reconnected about a couple of years ago after her late husband passed away from cancer and then got married six months later. Her late husband of 35 years was very abusive (verbally and physically) to her, but she never left him. It is very obvious that this has had a profound effect on her mental well-being and that the residual effects of that previous relationship are causing her to act the way she does now. It appears to me that she is VERY codependent.
Ever since they got married, it seems like she has my dad on a leash and is always with him 24/7. Any time I have arranged to grab lunch or do anything else with him, she always has to come with. I honestly don’t enjoy her company at all since she is a very bitter and angry person and sucks the fun out of everything.
My family has also noticed that he has become more isolated from everyone as well. My dad has always been the life of the party and has been very outgoing, but ever since he married her, he has been a lot more quiet and withdrawn. It literally seems like her negative vibe is spreading over to him.
For anyone that has been in this situation, how should I approach this? I want to tell my dad that I want more alone time when hanging out, but don’t want to upset him at the same time.
TLDR: My dad’s new wife is so clingy and has to be everywhere with him. I don’t care for her and want more one on one time with him.
5 comments
Asking your dad for more alone time with him is exactly what I would suggest. Just focus on the positive, you like spending time with him and you want that to be the focus of your time with him. Do not go into your issues with his new wife, just that you really value one on one time with him.
Be direct ask Dad for one on one time
“Dad, I’d really like to do lunch just the two of us, maybe on Wednesday?”
Agree that you need to be direct here.
Next time you see them together, ask them if they have plans next Friday and if she says no, then you jump in and say ‘dad, I’ve missed you. Can we catch up one on one next Friday? I wanted to chat to you privately about something.’
She already said they have no plans that day so she can’t suddenly turn around and say something has come up. If she makes up an excuse that she forgot about some plan, then you suggest an alternative date two weeks away and you ask your Dad (look at him only) that you look forward to hearing back when he can lock in a free date in the next few weeks.
Saying it’s private makes it clear you want to talk to your dad only. When you do catch up, let him know you didn’t know how else to ask for one on one time without making it awkward for your dad. When you catch up don’t criticise the wife though. Ask about him, what he’s been up to etc. If you want, ask if he’s ok because you noticed at the recent family gathering, he’s always the life of the party and he seemed reserved – is his health ok? Is that why he wasn’t dancing like he always does?
Good luck.
I can’t empathize with the desire to have a one-on-one lunch with my dad (I don’t like lumber that much). But, OK, you want one-on-one lunch?
“Hey dad, let’s get lunch on thursday”
“OK, I’ll make sure Wife is available”
“Oh, I mean just you and me”