I need some advice. Sorry for the novel in advance. My husband and I are at a stand still. We have been married 7 years, together 10. When we first met we were like any other couple who kicks it off, inseparable, loving, kind, always wanting to help one another.
My father fell ill in 2013 and we along with my parents bought a beautiful 6,000 Sq ft home w/ 35 acre property in the foothills of colorado in 2014. The home had separate living areas, so we were able to live separate from my parents but still close so I could help my mom out with Dr appointments, meds, along with other care. He passed away in 2016. Owning this home came with a lot of extra care. I had an issue with getting him to help with a lot of things, I just figured this is his 1st time being responsible for a home, its overwhelming and things would change. Long story short he’d help if he was asked/nagged into doing so. Or if I was doing it he’d feel obligated so he’d jump in to help.
Fast forward 3 failed businesses, the birth of our daughter in 2017, a move half way across the country and another move the opposite half way across to where we live now. My mother has stayed with us through it all, as my father’s wish was for her to be taken care of so that is what I intend to do. She takes care of our children while we work. We also had another child in 2021. Here is where the advice I need kicks in, none of the homes we have lived in, has he ever taken initiative to take care of. If he was nagged or asked a lot, he’d finally jump in and do what was asked. I’ve asked many times that we come up with a plan so everything doesn’t fall on just me and mom. He says ok and that’s as far as it goes. I’ve made countless lists of things that need done regularly and left it on the fridge things like mowing, raking, cutting down tree limbs if needed, we live in a rural area so those the the bare minimum things that need done. And he still doesn’t seem to understand.
My mom does A LOT of it on top of watching our kids. I help as much as I can, I’ve been able to do more now that I am working nights. I don’t ask for any help house work wise and he rarely has to be alone with the kids. Even then his face is stuck in his phone while the baby screams and cries, and my other child will ask him things and he barely interacts.
Am I in the wrong for being fed up? I have this deep seated resentment towards him now that I am not sure I can get passed anymore. He’s a good dad, he shows up when he needs to, and sometim although rare he even helps without being asked. But we both work the same amount of hrs a week (we are employed at the same place) I make sure all the bills are paid, kids appointments are made, kids practices is signed up, take them to and from. Put them to sleep,my mom watches the baby at night when I work.
I’ve asked that he take his ✔️ back and pay me x amount a week to cover the bills so I don’t have to worry about it, but he still hasn’t done that either. If something goes wrong that i am unable to figure out, he calls his dad or step dad. Its getting embarrassing really. There’s plenty more wrong with our relationship, but this is long enough. Im just done and dont know how much more i can take. If you made it this far thank you in advance.
7 comments
Go couple’s therapy and if that doesn’t work maybe time to move on. You’ve not done anything wrong based on what you have mentioned or told on the post. We don’t know both sides of the story.
End of the day a marriage is a mutual partnership and team work: it’s 100% from both sides and yes there will be times where one side isn’t a 100% but if it’s constant then it’s clearly not working. If after communicating it isn’t working there’s no reason to sugar coat it. If he’s not willing to work on his part of the marriage there’s only so much you can do within all the chaos. Unless you feel your patience is high enough to deal with things step by step. Rather then everything in one go.
Not having sex isn’t a valid answer from your husbands(or from a man’s perspective) behalf nor for the lack of help / laziness on his side will make it up. On that note it’s good to maintain some intimacy and time for each other whenever you can without dismissing.
Hope that help 😊
It APPEARS to me as an outsider that you have not given him very much control over his own marriage and his own life. You seem to be living in these rural areas does he even WANT to live in a rural area? I know for myself I would absolutely not, I have friends with rural homes and they are lovely but literally every spare minute of their day is spent maintaining the property. You have to have an innate love of “farming” to enjoy this and I don’t. Sounds like he does not either yet when you have moved and sold and bought new homes how much control in home selection have you really given him?
Your mother is living with you NOT because your husband agreed but because your father demanded it.
You uprooted your life to move to care for your father – did you give your husband veto power over this?
My wife and I have a rule – for ANY major life changing event one of us decides to do the other has veto power over it. For example I would have loved to move to California when I was younger it would have been dream job prospects for me – she did not want to leave – so we didn’t. She did care for her sick mother for 5 years before her mother died but I mandated that she didn’t move her mother into our house so she didn’t – her mother stayed in her own condo.
And finally the sex. Well you don’t want to have it because you are too tired. However, you are tired because of all these extra responsibilities you have demanded to take on – caring for your mother, buying a rural property that is high maintenance. and I am sure a host of other things. No wonder he is frustrated about all this.
My guess is if you pushed through a divorce he would not fight it. And frankly I think you would be much happier if you were single living with your mother. You don’t want sex so essentially you don’t really want the main reason most people get and stay married and you have your kids now, so you don’t need any man’s sperm now. And you seem to insist on absolute control over all the major choices in your life, so what do you need a husband for? Nothing, really.
Sounds harsh, I know, but I don’t see a decent marriage with you and your husband until you are willing to work as a partner with him. And in a true partnership, you don’t always get your way even if you have every valid reason in the book for it and that extends to ALL aspects of the marriage.
>My mother has stayed with us through it all, as my father’s wish was for her to be taken care of so that is what I intend to do.
Was it your husband’s wish?
Does his voice matter?
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Please stop saying he is a good dad. He can’t be a good dad if he won’t take care of the home or if he is ignoring his kids with his nose in his phone.
You are describing much of what lead to my divorce, so I won’t hesitate to tell you that he’s shown you who he is. If he wanted to grow and be different , he would.
Good morning,
It sounds like you are a great and loving wife, mom, and daughter. Keep up the great job! One question, I hope that you do not mind if I ask. You are a very busy lady taking care of everyone and everything, “How much time do you give to your husband?” He was your first love, he came before your children and caretaking of your parents. Remember, marriage consists of two people, a team… It takes two, to love, it takes two, to share, it takes two, to raise children, it takes two, to be a team, and it takes two, to hold each other. When you are giving your all to your children and your mom and house and bills and housecleaning…your husband gets the leftovers of the day. You are tired, worn out, exhausted. Your husband comes home from work and feels the same way and just wants some attention from his wife and family, instead, he gets no welcome greetings, just expectations to do things…
This is what happened to me and my husband early in our marriage. I had to make the choice to change my expectations and decide who and what was most important in my life. Today we just recently celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary this month.