A little background. We are expecting our first child in January. Husband suffers with ADHD and depression/anxiety. Is prescribed four different medications but doesn’t take them as prescribed. Usually forgets to take them and says it’s because of his ADHD. Although he does not forget his ADHD medication. We’ve been together 6 years, married for 1 in October.
His normal routine is to go to work (around 5-6 AM), come home, and go straight to the bedroom and lay in bed. I make dinner 90% of the time. I let him know when dinner is done, he comes and gets a plate and takes it back to the bedroom. Eats in bed and then either plays video games or naps until it’s time to go to bed. I clean up dinner and take care of the dogs and relax before heading to bed.
He will sometimes help with laundry/dishes. We have a roommate and they take turns mowing the lawn so essentially he does lawn work once/month for 6 months out of the year.
He got back from a 4 day golf trip Sunday and spent the day in bed (understandable since he had been traveling and golfing). He also took off work on Monday. He slept until about 3-4 in the afternoon and then played video games/watched Netflix in bed the rest of the day. I made dinner after work (I work from home) and he took it to bed to eat per usual. I made a comment to him that it would make me feel supported if he would help with cleaning up after dinner or help take care of the dogs before bed. He said okay and then made a comment asking if anyone had done yard work this weekend and how he was going to have to mow the lawn today and clean the entire house “because it looks like shit.” I feel like any time I ask him for help he tends to switch subjects to something that I should be doing. Even though I can’t do yard work right now being 5 months pregnant. I do take care of our little garden (watered it every day this summer and harvested everything as it came in). I’m not a super organized person and our house does tend to stay somewhat messy.
The entire pregnancy he hasn’t once asked me how I’m feeling or anything about the baby. He is excited to have a son but seems completely uninterested in me or the actual pregnancy which I understand is pretty typical. We’ve had conversations about how I would like to feel like he is more engaged but nothing seems to change. Any time we go anywhere or have a date night I’m completely leading the conversations otherwise it would be silent.
I go to therapy regularly but he does not. We tried premarital counseling and he lasted two sessions before writing it off and saying he’s smarter than them and didn’t need it. I’m feeling really isolated and lonely and am running out of energy to try to get him to engage. Just wanted to vent.
7 comments
>Is prescribed four different medications but doesn’t take them as prescribed. Usually forgets to take them and says it’s because of his ADHD
He can’t purchase and use a pill organizer, but he can manage the logistics of a four-day golf trip?
This isn’t an ADHD problem. This is a your husband is an ass problem.
On the premarital counseling, two sessions in is when it becomes clear that both partners are going to have to think about and make adjustments to their behavior. Declaring that he was “smarter” than the counselor was his excuse to avoid being called on his crap and being asked to change things.
Is this marriage acceptable to you? Are you willing to not only keep serving your husband meals in bed and doing all the chores, but handling all of the childcare too? (And no, it is not “pretty typical” for fathers to be completely uninterested in their pregnant wives.) Is this the example you want to set for your son on how spouses treat each other?
This sounds like textbook ADHD behavior. He should probably be in CBT therapy to get it together, it would help a lot. ADHD can make simple things really difficult to do, focus on, remember.
He should also use one of those pill organizers so when he takes one med, he can remember the others too (unless he is just deliberately avoiding the meds, in which case it would be good to know why)
Sounds like he is disengaged with everything. He’s not going to magically pick up and get with it when the baby comes either. He sounds like my ex husband. I tried everything.
Be more specific. Frankly, tell him that he’s going to need to start cleaning up after dinner any night you cook. If he cooks, you can do dishes. He needs to be picking uo on dog duties as well. You just aren’t going to be able to keep up with all of that when the baby gets here.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through during your pregnancy, as a husband and father of 3 that’s very sad to hear.
I have ADHD and Anxiety/Depression myself; it sounds like your husband needs to go back to the doctor. He might be crashing at the end of the day, and if so other medications or dosing can help a lot. No doctor is just going to accept that he has such severe fatigue that he’s strapped to his bed for 3-4 hours every afternoon.
Does he sleep enough?
There could be more to the situation and your marriage, but speaking from my experience taking adderall, it made me not want to engage with anyone. I would take it and then focus on whatever I was doing or wanted to do and would get irritated if someone tried to interrupt it. It’s highly likely it’s the medication, unless he’s always been on the ADHD meds, but this is a new pattern.
My husband and I are both ADHD, so I understand the forgetting to take all his pills each day, however it sounds like the depression is getting to him, and he really needs to be more consistent with taking the antidepressant every day.
It sounds like you have tried everything on your end to be proactive, unfortunately he isn’t doing the work for himself and that’s a huge must. While putting off boring tasks to do other, not as important tasks is an ADHD thing, this is something that only he can work on, and it sounds like he has no interest in trying. I would suggest being more forceful and specific in your demands, like, I need you to wash the dishes after dinner each night, period. Don’t ask, be firm in your voice. If he cannot see that you’re doing more of the work, then he will need to be told what to do like a child. If he will not listen or help you out in anyway, stop making dinner for him. Stop washing his clothes. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself first, if this is going to be his response.
Once you have this baby, you will be in a whirlwind of exhaustion and brain fog for awhile. Prepare yourself with firmer boundaries now, because your sanity will need it when the baby is here.
ADHD husband here. There is no magical cure, but I’ve found a groove that works for me to keep me engaged (both with my wife and the world)
1. Therapy.
Even if he is smarter than the therapist, find another. At the end of the day therapy has a massive benefit for people like us because it forces us to recall things between sessions. I’ve had my mental health under control for months now but I keep my therapist appointments because they serve as little refreshers and sometimes help me to realize when I haven’t done things like hang out with people or taken my wife out in a while.
2. Meds.
If he’s getting up that early for work, meds are going to be a struggle. I set an alarm for 30 minutes before I actually need to be up for the sole purpose of taking my ADHD meds. This makes getting up easier as well as focusing on all the other shit I need in the morning.
3. SCREENS
Get them out of the bedroom. We CRAVE any small amount of dopamine we can get as long as we can get it. It’s ADHD in a nutshell. One of the biggest successes I had was in moving my gaming consoles and tv out of the room. No, I’m not really going to sleep any earlier, but I am now getting much better sleep. I’m also able to actually spend time with my wife while gaming as she works a lot (she teaches) so she can grade and plan while I game. Basically it’s allowed us to do our own things together. (Don’t use this as a substitute for doing things together though).
I don’t know him of course, but most of your post, down to the seeming uninterested in the pregnancy, is characteristic of mismanaged ADHD. Ultimately he needs to be the one to manage it and he is responsible for how his actions (or inaction) affect others, but have the conversation with him, let him know how you feel, and let him know you need him to take charge on this.