Hi everyone
Throw away
I was touched by a man last year, walking by he groped/intentionally touched my ass. I didn’t report him because he ran away but I saw him later and reported him. He was arrested and charged.
I was following the court case, I didn’t need to testify because they had what happened on video. Later he yelled at me in public and had the incident added to the case
He missed a court date/appearance recently.
I found out a month later that he died after court date, and I don’t know for sure but I think he killed himself and I feel so guilty. How do I cope with the blame?
Edit: removed some specific, potentially identifiable details
24 comments
He violated you. You have no blame. The man was troubled before he groped you. His problems only caught up with him, prior to his getting/seeking help.
Although its easier said then done… you need not carry around any guilt for having stood up for yourself and reporting him.
He chose to violate you. He got the consequences for that. There is no one to blame for his decisions than himself.
This guy clearly wasn’t alright mentally from the start. You have to accept that he made his decisions and received the consequences. You are not to blame in the slightest.
No blame. His choice. His consequences and his actions in dealing with the consequences.
Be a good human and bad things won’t happen
Please absolve yourself
He didn’t kill himself beacause of u. First of all, you were his victim so what you did was right. And therefore if he did end up killing himself, he had other issues alongside your case. He was the problem and not you.
A man who feels the need to grope somebody without their consent needed help in the first place. You merely reported someone who could have full on raped you.
Not your fault that he came to that outcome. You prevented someone else from experiencing the same fate. I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it.
You’re not to blame at all, you’re the victim. The man had issues/demons and even if you hadn’t of reported it, he would have still needed help.
Think about it a different way. By reporting it, you may have stopped him from hurting or victimising another person. His behaviour may have escalated. Think about the people you protected instead.
You are not Jigsaw. You did not “Let’s Play A Game 😈” him into killing himself. Take your time recovering from these big feelings, but let it go, and bask in the relief of not having to worry about him ever again.
Nobodies ever responsible for the decisions a fully grown adult makes.
No matter the circumstances.
But I will say an extra fuck ’em to this guy for touching you inappropriately. He was most likely on that path anyway, his actions towards you were likely a symptom of his poor mental state. I sincerely doubt anything you did caused him to be in that place.
Speak to a therapist or a counselor if you can if this guilt is impacting your day to day life.
Hey, you are not to blame for standing up for yourself. Honestly you were probably a very small part in the fucked up narrative of his life. Not saying that at all to belittle what you experienced because that was flagrant abuse. You did the right thing. This sounds like someone who was probably fucked up on many levels and had a lot going on. And honestly I don’t think you should blame yourself at all or even feel bad but that’s just me. Sounds like he was a piece of shit anyway who abused you once and was willing to make your life worse whenever he saw you again. Honestly he can rest in shit.
You Are Not To Blame For His Actions.
Find someone to talk to about your feelings, to help you find balance (I was going to say peace, but some of my friends who have been assaulted have not been able to find peace) and hopefully ease your guilt away. You are feeling this because you are a good person, you have empathy.
He chose to assault you, he chose to harass you
You are the victim here. Don’t let his choices make you feel guilty.
The man who assaulted me had his life go in a downward spiral after I reported him and I felt so much guilt, thought I ruined his life, maybe I overreacted. But then another girl approached me to apologise. She said she was so sorry he did that to me because if she had been brave enough to report him when he did it to her then he wouldn’t have done it to me.
I told her it was not her fault, he was responsible for his own actions and them it just suddenly clicked for me. Its not my fault his life went to shit, he did that. It was not his other victims fault I was assaulted, he did that.
It’s not your fault, nothing that happened is your fault. He made choices to do things that lead his life in this direction.
I’m just going to keep saying because I hope if you read it enough times it will sink in.
**it’s not your fault, he did this**
OP what other option did you have? This guy basically put you in this position: “ I will molest you and if you try to stop me I will kill myself therefore guilting you into letting me molest you and others indefinitely”.
It’s sad, but completely out of your control. The only other options he left you with were even worse.
You did nothing wrong. For the love of everything sacred and holy – please don’t let this stop you reporting pervers in the future.
You did nothing wrong. Please repeat this to yourself whenever the thought to contrary arises 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Let’s just take a step back and think about this for a moment.
A man chose to do something illegal and predatory.
That man’s crime then came to the attention of the police.
The prosecutor chose to prosecute.
The man chose to harass his victim.
The prosecutor took appropriate measures to answer this harassment.
The man then chose to end his own life.
Do you notice how you are not mentioned in this narrative at all, except as the object of your attacker’s predation and rage? You had nothing to do with his death. He made a series of bad decisions which culminated in his choice to die. You are not to blame.
Logically there is no blame on you. Absolutely none. He chose to do that. He alone behaved that way. How he became to be that person, had absolutely nothing to do with you. The fact that he got caught? Not your problem. To do that sort of behavior he likely had a longstanding mental illness. Seek therapy if your mind can’t escape it, but remember they are only thoughts. In reality, objectively, you did the right thing. You helped prevent him from doing it to anyone else, you gave yourself the courage and dignity to come forward. His mental illness was never your burden to carry.
It’s not your fault.
You didn’t make him behave badly. You didn’t do anything except get a potential predator off the streets by reporting him.
He yelled at you in public? Oh? He was MAD he was caught? MAD he was being held responsible?? Poor him.
You are not responsible for him or the poor choices he made.
Let this go. It is not on you.
You were the victim. But you were strong and you did what was right. He did not. HE was the bad guy and he does NOT deserve your heart aching in guilt in any way shape or form for him.
You can be sad a life was lost, but don’t put it on yourself.
You are innocent.
Nothing to do with you. You reporting him was simply the consequences of his actions.
I can almost guarantee you that most likely youre not the only woman he assaulted. Men like that dont just make one poor choice in the moment and decide to assult someone, they view all women as objects. He made his own life more difficult when he decided to treat others in the way he did. I would see it as one less piece of trash to litter the earth, but its good that youre so caring and empathetic. Regardless, you carry no blame. Youre a person who deserves respect and he was a person who deserved the consequences of his actions.
he deserved to die
I’m betting he’s groped other women but finally got caught.
Sounds like he got what he deserved.
The world is better without men like him in it. You have nothing to feel bad about!
You aren’t that powerful im afraid. You are not a God with the power of life and death.
The sum of your total actions were…reporting him to the police. Thats it. That’s all you did. You barely had control over your own life in that moment! The choice to prosecute wasnt even upto you, it was a prosectutors choice.
The thing with anxiety (im guessing you have a lot!) Is it ironically makes you weirdly arrogant. You start thinking everything is to do with you.a big part of my recovery as strange as it sounds, was understanding I wasnt that powerful or important.
People do things because of _them_. They think about themselves. Almost exclusively.
You’re just struggling because youre empathetic. Thats okay. You can be sad this dudes life went that way. But its not your fault in anyway shape or form.