Hi everyone! I made a throwaway because this is really private information.
My husband and I are a very young couple. Both early 20s. I just had a baby. I wasnt able to have sex for a long time so lately I’ve had a crazy sex drive. I ask for sex every single morning and every single night.
My husband definitely prefers anal. He has told me while vaginal sex feels great, anal is just way better. It does not feel good at all for me. I don’t like it. I know it’s not supposed to hurt but I really really just don’t like it. It’s very embarrassing for me too. The things that happen from anal (poop, farting) are humiliating. My husband is the person I try to impress the most. He is the LAST person I want to fart around.
That being said, I do allow anal very occasionally as a “treat.” He doesn’t pressure me. He asks politely every night. I say no and he respects my answer. On a special occasion like our anniversary or his birthday, Hanukkah, I allow it because I know how good it feels for him.
He doesn’t pressure me at all. even though I say yes, I do not enjoy it. I simply endure it out of my love for him. I do sometimes blush, grit my teeth because of the pain, sometimes I cry out of humiliation. He doesn’t like when I do. He said it’s not fun for him if it’s not fun for me, so I just lie and say it feels amazing, even if I’m crying from the embarrassment.
This only happens maybe once every 2-3 months. I am ok with it because it’s rare and I get to satisfy my man, but I just want to make sure this counts as full consent.
Thanks
10 comments
It’s 100% consent because he asks you every time and you allow him every time whenever you do anal.
Hanukkah anal?
Puts new meaning to the words 8 crazy nights.
Enthusiastic consent is the gold standard, but there are lots of situations in which people are able to consent but may not be 100% enthusiastic about doing so.
As long as you don’t feel coerced into saying yes, and you feel that your “yes” is coming from a place of full agency and equal power within the relationship, then it’s still valid consent IMO.
However, if you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to do it. End of story.
Sounds like you have always given consent.
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At the same time, do you prep a lot for anal……………. or go straight at it?
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Also if you don’t want to do it, don’t. I think you should be honest with your husband about how you feel instead of hiding it. It’s not healthy the way you’re going about it.
IMO the problem isn’t consent, it’s lying to him. If you told the truth then you would not have to endure something that you don’t like, nor worry about the disaster that awaits when he inevitably learns the truth. That’s what I would fix immediately. The other stuff will take care of itself.
“Anal pleasure and health” is a book I’m reading right now. I highly recommend it. Jack Morin is the author I think. It fits this situation I’d say, I think I would be very good for you.
But, no, it’s not supposed to hurt. I don’t think you should put yourself through pain for your husband. Instead, I think you should stretch out (differently sized butt plugs and you go up in size) beforehand, of course clean out, so you both can have a good time. What type of lube do you use?
And heck, wearing a butt plug beforehand can make it hotter if he knows about it (if yall sext).
And as a last resort, there are drugs (poppers) that can make you much more relaxed down there. I have no experience with those but it’s maybe an option. But I recommend the book as a much healthier approach.
Certainly. You can choose to do something for a partner even if it makes you uncomfortable or is unpleasant. Only you can weigh the decision over whether giving them that gift outweighs your discomfort.
Seems like y’all are going about it the right way. But I don’t think many women exist that are down for anal every day. Hopefully he understands that part.
And there may be ways to make it more pleasurable for you that you might consider trying, if you choose, such as using vibration on your clitoris during the experience.
He’s right that ideally the experience should be fun for both of you. That’s the foundation of good sex. So how do you get there? It’s not worth pretending to enjoy it.
Does he really ask *every night* or every special night when he could expect it to happen? Because asking too often is pressuring.
Also, how does he react when you’re crying? You say he doesn’t like it, but is he upset that you’re hurting, or is he upset because your pain diminishes his pleasure? Like, is his attitude, okay we won’t do this stuff then, my pleasure is not worth your pain, or the opposite, is he upset that you haven’t found a way to enjoy it?
Be honest with him. You forcing yourself to endure stuff you don’t like could end up hurting you. You might develope a sex aversion or trauma. It’s just not worth your health! If he can’t live without it, you two are just incompatible.
This is like “you’ve technically given consent but also avoided the main purpose of getting consent.”
So technically yes, consent because he asks every night. But he’s definitely engaging in coercion, and that isn’t a great practice.
How would he feel if the tables were turned? If there was something you wanted to do that he found humiliating or gross, but you brought up every night?