Today I was honest with my gf she’s not talking to me and I don’t know what to do

29 comments

1. Wait so everyone knew except her?

2. Hey. You’re learning a tough life lesson. That lesson being “Know who is for you and who isn’t”. If you have an issue in the relationship and your partner isn’t at least willing to listen, they are not for you.

   Give her a few days. Then send the “we need to talk” text. Send it with conviction. You need to be prepared for the relationship to end.

3. Well, I would feel betrayed in her shoes too. You kept this from her for a year. Part of being in a relationship is the obligation to bring up problems for discussion as soon as you are aware of them. You messed that up big time. Which is completely understandable as this is your first relationship. But learn the right lesson, what you did wrong was not calmly and civilly discussing this with her as soon as you were aware of it. You seem to think you should have hidden it from her forever and completely sabotaged your relationship. When people say relationships take work, a lot of what they are talking about is bringing up issues and working through them to fix them. A lot of the rest is not taking your partner for granted and letting a long term relationship stagnate.

   Now, her response is bad too. I think it’s because she is also young and inexperienced and so both of you are dealing with this with bad relationship skills and immaturity. But you can’t work on her issues, all you can do is learn and do better in the future for yourself. Don’t hide relationship issues from your partner.

4. -may be in shock

   -has lots to process, wait to hear from her

   (abbreviated version of my earlier response)

5. **Your friend betrayed you and fucked you over hard dude!** This is not a guy you ever want to confide in again. Fucking ahole! He should NEVER, EVER, EVER in a million years betrayed your confidentiality like he did. When someone tells you something personal, like what you told him, its obvious that it should be confidential and private and you really need a fucking huge reason to say anything to anyone. Examples of “fucking huge reasons” could include you confessed to a crime or confessed to doing something massively hurtful to someone he knows or some issue involving safety, which this clearly wasn’t. You should seriously cut this ahole off and if you don’t, never make the mistake of venting or confiding anything to him ever again!

   Ultimately, you gave your girlfriend a long list of her shortcomings and no one I know takes something like that from someone they care about without feeling hurt and possibly even mad.

   Even if she agrees with a particular point and she may not, she may still be mad that you talked about this with a loudmouth ahole friend and not her and she was embarrassed by being exposed publicly.

   In the future, talk about your relationship problems with your partner, in private, calmly and don’t confide in aholes. If you choose not to talk to your partner, that is your choice and your failing.

6. There’s a lot going on here. One thing is that you have clearly had a lot of issues with here that you’ve been hiding. That’s not healthy. Second, you dumped them all on her at once. To her, it’s going to feel like you’ve been lying to her for a long time, because you have been hiding things from her and telling her that things are good when they aren’t. To some degree, you have broken trust. This is made worse by the fact that you told your friend all of this. The fact that you shared this all with a friend, who then made a big public spectacle of it, instead of just telling her is going to make her feel a bit betrayed.

   I don’t want to speculate on whether she’s been treating you well or treating you poorly. Us internet strangers can’t really know that. But what is obvious is that you handled this all in a destructive way. You’re young and learning how to be in a relationship, so to some degree that’s understandable. But that doesn’t mean she’s just going to get over it.

   One last thing…

   >I should have kept it to myself honestly

   No, this is literally the opposite of the lesson you should be taking here. You should have communicated your feelings with your girlfriend a long time ago, in private, in a constructive way.

7. So you had relationship needs not being met by your partner and didn’t say anything about it for over a year? If Ryan hadn’t thrown you under the bus would you have told her about any of it anytime soon?

   She went from believing she was in a happy relationship to having her world rocked in a single conversation finding out that she isn’t meeting her partners needs. Yeah, she’s in complete shock. This might be break up material for her. It would be very understandable if she broke up with you after such a revelation, if that happens, chalk it up as lesson learned (you & your partner need you to communicate your needs in a relationship!)

   I now want to ask your YOUR mental health. Why did you value having her as a girlfriend over your own interpersonal needs? Because you’ve been crushing on her for a few years? Would you really rather be unhappy in a relationship with her than to make this a little uncomfortable and discuss your needs? The fact that you didn’t do this screams insecurity/people pleasing trauma responses. You are gonna have to do some therapy to increase your self-worth/self-confidence so you feel confident in asking for your basic relationship needs.

8. >>It was after this statement Ryan chimes in and goes “Maybe if you communicated that better your BF wouldn’t have a poor self esteem.”

   Your friend Ryan threw you under the bus completely here, and in front of other people. I’d reconsider him.

9. Whoops, looks like you just got broken up with.

   All of this could have been avoided if you talked with her when the problems were developing, rather than waiting for them to fester. Going forward: It is important to *kindly* and *gently* communicate your needs to your partner. If you want more hugs or hand-holding, that is a valid want that you need to tell your partner. And if they are unable to reasonably meet your needs then it’s okay to reconsider that relationship. Lesson learned.

10. Sounds like you should’ve stopped being a coward and communicated this to her a long time ago. Now your big-mouth idiot friend blabbed and made an even bigger mess. He really screwed you over. Anyway, it sounds like you two aren’t all that compatible. You start to figure these things out as you get older, especially going from high school to college. Your first relationship is very rarely the one that lasts a lifetime. Anyway, in future relationships, you need to learn to express yourself instead of keeping everything bottled up and letting it fester. I don’t blame her for not speaking to you. You betrayed her trust in a big way, especially telling all of your relationship issues to your friend instead of hashing them out with her. That’s always a recipe for disaster.

11. It may be a combination of being upset that you talked to your best friend about it but couldn’t figure out how to talk to her about it, plus her taking the time to parse the information.

    Give it a day so she can process and then text or call her saying that you apologize that you did not come to her sooner about this. Let her know in the future that you will talk to her about these things sooner. If she contacts you before that, then tell her this.

    Meanwhile, I would talk to your friend about not doing such things, otherwise you won’t feel safe coming to him about anything. It really was not his place to do this.

12. Whoa, people on here are being brutal to you. I’m sorry OP.

    I get it, you’re 18. This is your first relationship. Anyone on here telling you you are an idiot for not doing it sooner or “Doing it right” is fucking cruel and likely a massive hypocrite (I highly doubt any one of them nailed communication in their first teenage relationship).

    You went to your friend to get perspective on your feelings, you probably leaned on him as an emotional crutch for a year and he got defensive of you when your GF dropped her rationale for how she felt about PDA. That was an overstep on his part… but he was possibly tired of hearing you get your feelings hurt over and over. A conversation is in order here.

    As for your GF, I’m sure she feels blindsided, but if she decides to be mad at you without acknowledging her own role in this, then she has more digging to do. If she continues to go radio silent on you for much longer, you should probably reach out to her and check in on what she is thinking. Tell her you want to talk to her and ask if she can communicate where she is coming from. Honestly she might be feeling embarrassed that she did not pick up on something sooner, or that she has not met your needs.

    Be honest with her about where you are at emotionally over this. Give her a clear idea of what your desires are going forward around affection and see if you can be met half way. Vulnerability can be really hard to confront, especially when you feel like the relationship has been one sided, but without taking that brave step, you will never know where you really stand with her ( who knows? Maybe she has been holding back from you because she feels you holding back). Don’t hide your emotions for the benefit of keeping another person in ignorant bliss so that you won’t rock the boat. That never ends well and only prolongs the suffering. Take the time now to figure out what you need out of this person and see if they can meet you. If not, you have your answer.

    Best of Luck!

13. You did the right thing in telling her. It could be a number of things going on here. 1. It may be embarrassment as she never thought about how all of this made you feel. 2. She doesn’t know what to say to you and is processing it all. 3. She’s upset you didn’t tell her. Because how could she fix it or change things if she didn’t know how you felt. Now it’s entirely possible that she is is upset that everyone else knew and she didn’t. It’s also entirely possible that she’s ignoring you because she doesn’t want to deal with it. Either because she doesn’t care or some other reason.

14. I had a similar issue with my Ex girlfriend, it always annoyed me that she could be more physical with her friends then with me in public. However, I communicated this to her once I realized it bothered me, we ended up breaking up later on, but that issue definitely made me resent and doubt that she ever actually was attracted to me. But at least I can say I communicated it to her. You have to communicate when you’re upset or she can never explain or change. Overall, apologize for not telling her sooner but tell her that doesn’t change that you’re upset about somthing that is very valid, you might just not be compatible

15. Honestly if I heard that from my boyfriend I would need a lot of time to reflect on my own behaviour. I would be gut wrenched if I learnt I made my boyfriend feel the way you do and also partly ashamed. Give her some time, let her know you love her and are here when she wants to talk.

16. Here is the mistake you made: **you bottled this all up FOR TWO YEARS and didn’t tell her. Then you unloaded ALL of it at once.**. And obviously you’ve been sharing w Ryan or he would not have known. So you’re telling him your feelings but not her. That’s low.

17. When you say she displays PDA with her friends, does that include men?

    If yes, I would reconsider this relationship.

18. Don’t be worried. Good for you for speaking on your own behalf. I hope you continue to do so because if not? What kind of life would that be for someone? To be low key hurting all of the time? Stop worrying if you’ve made her mad, seriously. You deserve respect & if you don’t respect yourself neither will she. Match her energy, if she’s not putting forth the effort to work on things with you & giving you the silent treatment then you shouldn’t either. Once she notices that you’re not crawling back like a pup (& all because you have different feelings than her?!) she’ll take SERIOUS notice, it won’t take more than a week, I bet my paycheck. I promise! It’s laws of attraction. Clearly, she’s used to you sweeping yourself under the rug just so she can stay clean & I understand you guys are young so that’s not fair to either of you. You both deserve to grow from experiences with each other as well as others & neither of you can do that if you avoid it and she either thinks you’re fine because you don’t say anything to her about it (which probably happens often) or you behave as she sees fit so she’s happy. Neither of you are mind readers but if you tel her how you really feel or vice versa and the silent treatment is given? That’s pretty crappy. Stand up for yourself & it may take a lot of practice but that’s okay. you’ll have much better self esteem because you’ll learn self respect & also how to better respect others and their feelings

19. LET HER BE THE FIRST TO CONTACT. Do not be the bigger person. Only person she should be mad at is herself for hurting you and not prioritizing your feelings. If it’s not sincere and satisfactory, then end it and move onto someone more worthy. I feel for you bro.

20. I really think communication is good. She needed to hear these things.

    I does sound like she’s hiding you when most would be doing the opposite.

    I am a grown secure man and I’d be unhappy with this also.

21. Everyone is right that you need to learn how to talk to your future partners about what is going on from your side of the relationship. You should start moving on from this girl she doesn’t sound like a good person to be with long term. It’s one thing if someone feels shy or whatever kissing in front of others but if the person doesn’t want to hug or even hold hands when around other people that is major red flags. Unless she is up to doing that stuff in pubic you should move on. Most of the people I know who do not want to do anything in public that shows they are taken is cause they like having fun with other people.

    Most are upset with what your friend did but to me it sounds like he got fed up with you being in pain and reached his limit. Most low level friends won’t give a fuck about what their friends are going through.

22. Some people are really savage here, but you are young and you are just learning, so that is really not fair. It’s your first relationship. I’m not going to be mean to you.

    Unfortunately, this relationship is not built to last. But the good news is that you don’t have to marry the first person you’re with, so don’t worry about that.

    You have a number of issues with her, and they are valid. You don’t have to make yourself a doormat for her, for her to disrespect you and your time when she wants. But you do have to learn to communicate your needs. You can’t be so afraid to let someone go. People don’t always work out, and some people shouldn’t be together. If a partner has you questioning your own worth, you don’t belong together.

    One profound book I read after my first big break up was The Five Love Languages. Learn how to spot what you need, and what they need, and then you have to work on communicating your needs. You are a person that might need time and words of encouragement. Obviously you need more than just sex. This is something that she needs to understand. It will not be the last time she will have to deal with it if she treats other people that way.

    I’m sorry, because I know it hurts. But if you end up breaking up, then that’s not the worst thing in the world. You will have learned a lot about what you need from a relationship. And that you need to communicate more and better.

    Additionally, you really need to rethink your friendship with Ryan, because he threw you under the bus publicly with something that was confidential. He should have encouraged you to talk to her instead of outing you like that. If he has, and you protested, it still was wrong.

    Best of luck to you.

23. As a married woman, who had a host of VERY TOXIC FEMALE FRIENDS, I’m going to say this.

    If your GF IS SO QUICK TO DITCH YOU FOR HER FRIENDS NOW, SHE WILL DO IT WHEN SHES MARRIED TO YOU (assuming you guys get married). I’m sorry, this is A HUGE RED FLAG because she’s using SEX TO MANIPULATE YOU AND MAKING YOUR ANGER GO AWAY. There will be a time where SEX WILL NEVER FIX YOUR ISSUES. You want to sit down, say the TRUTH, but your GF WILL BE SO OFFENDED TO REALIZE HOW BADLY SHE FUCKED UP.

    Everyone is throwing RYAN under the bus, I say HE DID YOU A FAVOR. HE SHOWED YOU WHAT A TRAINWRECK YOUR GF IS.

    Yes, your girl feels humiliated BUT I WONT PUT IT PAST HER TO HATCH UP A PLAN to make HERSELF BE THE VICTIM HERE.

    YES, SHE WILL BLAME YOU FOR NOT COMMUNICATING PROPERLY. YES, SHE WILL CONTINUE TO DEFLECT HOW SHE TOO WAS PART OF THE PROBLEM, but you my dear GOTTA GROW SOME BALLS AND STATE YOUR NEEDS WITHOUT GUILT AND IF YOU DO ALLOW ANY WOMAN TO CONTROL A RELATIONSHIP TO HER BENEFIT AND NOT YOURS AS A DUO, YOU will swallow hard what bothers you for the sake of a relationship built ONLY FOR HER SATISFACTION AND NOT YOURS.

    I SAY, BREAK UP. SERIOUSLY BREAK UP. Think what’s important TO YOU. FOR EXAMPLE: You secretly made awesome plans to take your girl to California and when you do tell her, SHE SAYS NO BECAUSE HER FRIEND NEEDS HELP BUYING A DRESS FOR THE BROTHERS WEDDING. What are you going to do? Swallow, cancel everything and say YES DEAR OR, ARE YOU GOING TO TELL HER THE EFFORT YOU PUT TO DO SOMETHING INCREDIBLY SPECIAL FOR HER????? In a marriage, A HEALTHY MARRIAGE, YOU SPILL YOUR GUTS AND TELL THE TRUTH. Your woman sees YOU AS PRIORITY #1. THATS WHAT A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE ABOUT PRIORITIES.

    YOUR GF DOESN’T PRIORITIZE YOU AT ALL. You swallow your feelings FOR THE SAKE TO MAINTAIN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T VALUE YOU.

    YOU DESERVE TO BE VALUED. YOU DESERVE TO HOLD HANDS AND KISS A GIRL IN PUBLIC BECAUSE YOU FUCKING LOVE HER. You need to start ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES: WHAT YOU ARENT WILLING TO SACRIFICE. Seriously Babe, YOU SACRIFICED WAY TOO MUCH FOR NOTHING.

    BREAK UP and Find a girl WILLING TO PRIORITIZE IN YOU JUST AS MUCH YOU PRIORITIZE ON HER. AND IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING PROUD TO FLAUNT HOW MUCH SHE LOVES YOU PUBLICLY.

    Ps: that bullshit of not holding hands because she doesn’t want PDA to “define that relationship “. Is code for: I DON’T WANT PROPLE TO KNOW IM IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE AND IM AVAILABLE TO PLAY.

24. Yeah… I’m seeing a bunch of breathless comments but if she’s showing pda to other people and specifically excluding you, canceling plans, now ignoring you as retaliation for expressing an emotional need… I was an 18 year old girl once and I can promise you this isn’t normal or healthy. Not liking pda understandable BUT a double standard with her friends is an excuse, you should be getting minimum pda she’d be up for with anyone else. Using sex to placate you instead of actually meeting your express needs?

    My man, she’s treating you like an optional place holder and your feelings are valid. You’re half my age and I wish I had bailed on everyone who showed this much lack of respect, who gaslit me by giving me one thing when I asked for a totally different thing. Personally it sounds it’s run it’s course and I’d be out immediately bc the silent treatment is WHOLLY unacceptable.

    This is about what you find acceptable and what you think you deserve. If you want someone who treats you right you can waste ZERO time on people who treat you wrong bc birds of a feather flock together and people with healthy self esteem and boundaries don’t want to abide the drama. Good people are being excluded for the sake of someone who makes you feel like crap. If I could go back I know for a fact my whole life trajectory would be instantly better if I’d just said no BS and parted ways with BS people. The BS people drove away every decent friend I had and ultimately were temporary. College friends can be lifelong but not if you’re a massive mopey drama bomb bc you indulge a dead relationship. People run out of patience rightfully so and seems like Ryan has already had more than enough with the trashy way she behaves.

    Breaking up doesn’t mean over forever, she needs to go work on herself. Maybe you can get back together later but you’re going to be a doormat forever unless you set do not cross go boundaries. And if she’s not the one she’ll drift off and be less than nothing in the grand scheme of your life.

    Everyone’s all like “Reddit too fast with the break up!” YES. The second someone shows disrespect and no remorse BREAK UP. I promise on my life there are people you can go decades with and NEVER experience disrespect. You just have to be the considerate respectful person and demand the same quality in your circle. So many people are trash taking advantage of good people not leaving good people time for other awesome people. Don’t throw yourself away on someone who is 1) full of crap about the pda, she wants people to think she’s single, I have used this idiotic excuse with guys, she’s touching all over people, hand holding isn’t a big deal, she’s making excuses, I have several friends who are anti pda and guess what? They still hold hands occasionally and do handshakes instead of hugs, TRUST YOUR GUT, anti-pda people are real, for her I’m not buying it 2) weaponizes sex to end communication 3) weaponizes the silent treatment when you have emotional needs 4) parades her lack of desire to touch you in front of your friends, that’s a BIZARRE topic to be hounding on unless she’s trying to manipulate all y’all, like how’s that even a topic? Who even cares or asked?

    She’s throwing so many red flags Id call it quits and just be distant friends and move on to focus on your friends and maybe meeting someone else. Do as you wish… but she sounds awful and like you don’t even like her that much. You can get sex from other horny teenagers, she doesn’t sound like she’s bringing anything to the table – you can’t show affection, you’re not emotionally safe, she hurts your confidence and parades it in public… like I admittedly sucked as a young person but I never sucked THAT bad. I think you’ll feel better if you call it off yourself instead of waiting for her to dump you but that’s just me.

    You’re young and now is the time for learning just know if you accept disrespect now it becomes a habit and over the years… it gets real real miserable and is real real miserable to alter course. You have a way better shot if you start ingraining yourself with self worth now with action. Fake it til you make it. You are the prize you decide to be, we’re all insecure until like… 32 lol you’re not uniquely insecure, but over time just honoring your own values, you’ll find your self esteem follows the behavior. Cut a crappy person, life improves, repeat, over time hopefully you don’t have to cut anyone bc you’ve curated a good group.

    This girl? Oof… I wouldn’t have been friends with a girl that vapid and self involved even when I was young and crappy myself, they’re exhausting. Go in peace young man, hope it works out 💕

25. Good for you for talking about how you feel. Don’t ever keep that to yourself. You may need time to process feelings, but always talk it out.

    Give her time to process. Some folks need that. Be proud of yourself.

    Maybe give her this. Tell her you appreciate her and you’re grateful she listened to you. That you want to talk when she’s ready and listen to her feelings as well.

    Good luck.

26. I’m so sorry. You’re very young to put up with her bullshit. This won’t last, your relationship is doomed. She’s putting her friends over you. If she’s doing that two years in, I imagine in a year to come, or less, she’ll cheat.

27. If your own girlfriend can’t give you a hug in public.. man. I understand not wanting to eat each other all the time, but simple stuff like hugging or holding hands? If my girlfriend cared THAT much more about what people think of her, than about me.. I’m not sure I could take the relationship seriously, especially after 2 years

28. Idk bro. Let her stew. You haven’t done anything wrong. Had as similar experience, dated as girl for nearly 3 years at uni. We lived in the same town but we’d go months without seeing each other. Makes your mind go crazy. I can remember only one time she showed affection to me in public and it was a day before we broke up.

29. She has weird views on PDA