The question is this – how often can I remind my spouse that they promised they would arrange marriage counseling for us, without being a nagging fly in their ear? Is once a month enough?
To put this in context, we’ve tried couples therapy a few times right after my spouse’s affair about 15 years ago, but it never got anywhere very productive. After a few visits my spouse would find something wrong with the counselor and quit. Nonetheless we reconciled and are still married. It’s been almost 30 years overall. We’re about to experience a life change in the next 8 months and we’ve both talked about how counseling might help us to work through this new chapter.
My spouse agreed to find us a counselor back in Nov. or Dec. of 2021. The ones I found always had problems (spouse’s opinion). Since then I’ve brought it up about once a month, bringing the topic into the conversation and asking if they’ve been able to find a marriage counselor or not. The answer is usually something along the lines of “Oh yeah, no, I haven’t had time.” Granted, this person has time to arrange for their weekend getaway trips pursuing their hobbies and is extremely competent at work.
I don’t want to nag my spouse. I do want them to follow through and get us into MC, because it’s really important for us both. I’m currently paying for one of our kids to go to counseling once a week and it’s been going well for that one, and I’m considering just setting up something for myself.
6 comments
Rather than reminding them repeatedly, call them on their bullshit. Tell them directly they are clearly not prioritizing your marriage and it’s unacceptable.
For something like that, I feel like I’d be like, “If you haven’t called at least 3 offices by the end of the week, then I’m taking over the task.” Ask your child’s counselor for a recommendation for a marriage counselor and start with that.
Reminding someone of something like that once per month (someone who’s proven over the past 4-5 months that they’re just not going to do it) has proven ineffective.
I’d ask every day until it gets done if it *has* to be him that does it. Otherwise, I’d just do it myself.
Take the initiative and pin down the appointment yourself. Be neutral to positive about it saying you know they didn’t have the time so you found one for them to check out.
One of the hardest things in therapy is to admit when you’re wrong. Therapists are GREAT at holding up the mirror and showing you the truth. You don’t get to just fire them when they tell you you’re the problem. You guys should commit to a sprint of sessions regardless of opinion and actually do the work they’re recommending.
I think starting individual counseling is a good idea! If it were me, I would ask my husband what his game plan for finding a counselor and getting an appointment looks like. I would offer resources if needed. Then I would tell him I’m working on myself in individual counseling and ready to start working on our marriage in couples counseling but that I would no longer be offering any reminders or check-ins. I would express to him that I do not wish to be a nag, so I won’t be.
And then I would go to my counseling and take it from there.
I think going on your own is wise. Marriage counseling is great when both parties are committed to using the experience to improve the marriage. It doesn’t sound like your husband feels that way. Having someone resentfully sit through counseling and firing the therapist every time they’re held responsible for their actions can do more harm than good.
Why are you negging yourself into silence here? Reminding your spouse that they are blowing off something important is not “nagging”, especially when they’ve been dodging it for months and lying about why.
It’s also okay to admit to yourself that your spouse *does not want to do MC* and that’s why they ‘never have time’. They sabotaged your prior attempts (after their affair, WTF) by always finding something wrong with the counselor. And, as you correctly observe, “haven’t had time” is a bald-faced lie.
So: perhaps sit down with them and explain that they promised to arrange this back in (date) and they have not made time to do so despite repeatedly saying they would, and clearly having free time to do so: so, what’s going on?
I think you are going to get more of a line of BS from your spouse and excuses. It’s up to you whether you want to keep buying those for fear of “nagging”. But your spouse is not going to do MC unless they have no other option.