This whole situation is a mess and I don’t know what to do. My friend Scarlett (F27) and I (F27) have been friends for a while now. She’s popped in and out of my life for the last five years or so. Recently, she called me out of the blue and asked if she could stay with me for a little bit. Apparently, she lost her job and couldn’t pay rent. After talking to my fiancé, Alex, (M29) I said yes. This was about two months ago.
She’s been a fine roommate, mostly. Nothing suspicious at all. She’d come back late a lot but she always told me she was just job scouting. I believed her which might be dumb of me (probably was, lbr) but I trusted her. Then like two weeks ago, she comes into the apartment at like two in the morning, drunk off her ass, looking like hell. My dog was barking his head off which was what woke me up. I was completely freaked out. (Alex was out of town for work, so it was just me and my dog.)
I tried to get her to tell me what happened but she just went to shower. I’m not proud of this, but I went through her bag and found drugs. My mom did drugs when I was a kid, so I guess I’m kind of sensitive to it. I blew up on her and told her to get out of my apartment. I felt like I was fucking hyperventilating. She left and I haven’t been able to get a hold of her since. I haven’t told Alex because he’s *always* going on about how I’m a ‘bleeding heart’ and I really don’t want another lecture about my nice/trusting/doormat tendencies.
I feel awful now. I don’t know what to do. Scarlett had a rough life and I know I reacted badly. I should’ve tried to help, not flipped out. I don’t know why I did. I fucked up. I need advice.
22 comments
You didn’t f’up! She did!! She took advantage of you providing shelter, so she could do drugs!!
Keep trying to reach out to her and apologize and offer your support when you get into contact with her
Were they hard drugs? Even if they weren’t, she still could have gotten you and your boyfriend into a lot of trouble. Not only that but she would also disrupt your sleep and just being inconsiderate by coming in and out at all times of the night. You’re fine. Just breath. Shes an adult and if something happens to her it isn’t your fault.
If you really want to apologize, just apologize for blowing up, not for kicking her out.
As a junkie in recovery, there’s no right or wrong here imo.
It’s your place, you can do whatever you want with it to feel happy and safe, full stop.
From her end it’s trickier, because she probably was taking advantage of you, I’ve been in that hole, I straight up stole from my own mom to get a fix, addiction is terrifying. But at the end of the day, she has to want to be helped, genuinely helped.
If she doesn’t want to get better there’s nothing on this earth that will help.
Please specify drugs…that could be anything from cannabis (c’mon who cares?) to heroin (cause for concern)
Man, fuck you as a roommate. Going through her shit and then telling the internet all about it, you’re a two faced snake.
I hope you suffer
Can you tell us what kind of drugs they were?
Can you tell us what kind of drugs they were?
She messed up! It’s your home. You don’t have to tolerate anything. You also don’t owe her an apology.
If you need her to understand tell her why you kicked her out and end it there.
I would have done the same.
Personally; I’ve had to deal with people who are on drugs; and it’s one of the most exhausting fights you’ll ever go through.
The friend I knew was addicted to opiates. First they were getting them from the doctor and it was legal, but then once the doctor suspected that she was also getting them elsewhere; he stopped her supply and she had to get them on the street.
Personally how I handled it was I gave her a two week notice.
* You have two weeks to sign up for rehab OR;
* You have two weeks to find a new place to live.
* If in those two weeks you bring the drugs to my place one more time; you’re out immediately.
And I left the decision up to her.
She decided to go to rehab and had to stay there about 2-3 months.
The fight starts because if at any point after they’re clean; something triggers them again; they’ll look to the drugs for comfort and then you start a vicious cycle all over again.
Personally; I wouldn’t have thrown her out that night, but I would have thrown out the drugs and then given her a week or two to locate a new home. Yeah she may be mad, but it at least takes the burden / guilt off you of them being homeless immediately.
A person who does drugs is going to do them, no matter the cost to their well-being or current conditions.
For your situation; all you can do is try to reach out to her. If she doesn’t have a phone / stable living conditions; then finding her is going to be a challenge because more than likely she’s out walking around, or she’s found a temp place to live with family or even a person that she has bought drugs from / does them as well. And that’s just going to throw her deeper in the hole.
However, in most cases; if she is with a roommate and not family; that could very well mean that she’s burnt all her bridges with her family . So if I had to throw money at it; she’s with some other friend / user.
Did you ever tell her you didn’t want drugs in the house?
Why is everyone asking about the type of drugs? Who cares if it’s “just” weed or hard drugs… OP doesn’t want drugs in her home. Period.
Op, if this friend is a drug addiction, you most likely cannot help her. And the worst you can do is pretend everything is OK and enable her addiction.
You must do everything to protect your own safety and mental health. I think you did a right thing and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for it.
The hypocrisy around drugs is ridiculous. We use the drugs word to mean it’s bad. A drug head, drug abuser
But we have other drugs like alcohol and tobacco which are fine, the coffee break is enshrined in the laws
The strange part is in the USA they have drugs store on every corner and somehow if the doctor gives you a drug and calls it diacetylmorphine then it’s not heroin
The legal drugs are worse than the illegal ones. The laws do more damage than the drugs
It’s the laws that lead to the terrible treatment you put on your friend. Your conscience is telling you throwing a drug user out on the streets at night for using drugs isnt nice. Going through their things too. They have essentially a medical condition and they plan ahead
If they were an alcoholic you wouldn’t do this it’s hypocritical
What type of drug was it? A little bit of weed? Some coffee? Alcohol? Coke?
My parents always taught me that if you take any drugs it was the end of your life, but it’s really a spectrum.
If someone brought alcohol into my house without telling me, I probably wouldn’t blink an eye.
If someone brought weed into my house without telling me, I would probably talk to them about it. I don’t want my house to smell like that.
If someone brought coke into my house, that would be a different story.
What kind of drugs did you find? That is going to drastically impact my opinion on your reaction
bit of a party pooper huh
I had a similar situation with a friend who lived with me and was lightly using (I didn’t know at the time). I don’t think you made the “right” or “wrong” choice. You have to do what’s right for you, first. My family has a history of drug use too so I get the aversion to it. I wish I had made my friend move out sooner as the “light” drug use led to a lot of questionable decisions on her end, some of which affected me directly. Just because someone is struggling doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do what feels safe for you. And it’s okay to be a bleeding heart – because it sounds like you have boundaries, too 🙂
You did nothing wrong
It’s your home, you can do what what you want!
That being said, what kind of drugs? Many are saying it doesn’t matter, but I kind of think—if you’re wanting to know about whether you overreacted or not—it does.
Weed, for example, is entirely legal where I live. I also live in a big city so coke and MDMA and party drugs aren’t really considered a big deal or concern (in general) if done in moderation. Depends where you are and what the social norms of your area are.
So were you in the wrong, no of course not, you can enforce whatever rule you want (you did tell her the rules, right?)!
But did you overreact… maybe.
INFO: Which drugs did you find? This post reads a lot differently if it’s weed than if it’s heroin.
Why won’t you tell us what kind of drugs you found? Many people have asked. It was pot wasn’t it? Is it legal in your state? If it was pot you over reacted and should have just told her you didn’t want it in your house. If it was heroin, meth, pcp or something crazy that’s different. Nobody ever ate someone’s face after smoking pot.