SD24, Me35, Husband43
My husband and I have been married for 3 years, we have lived together for 7. Shortly after he moved into my house his daughter, who was 17 at the time moved in with us because she didn’t want to live with her mom and her new husband.
For 5 years she lived with us and we did not get along well. She refused to clean up after herself and it would eventually lead to blow ups between her and I and/or my husband and I.
I have a modest trust fund, and I have helped her out with many things. It got to the point where to this day she “loves me” when she wants something, and Hates me throws a tantrum and then bad mouths me to anyone who will listen.
On multiple occasions in the 5 years she lived here she decided I was “step monster” and was bad mouthing me to people. In one case an older man at work who “saved her” by allowing her to move in with him.
She made a big production of it, had her mom and grand parents come help move her things, they all talked shit while they packed.
5 weeks later the whole thing blew up in her face, mostly due to the same issues i was having with her, and the fact that she was skipping work and couldn’t contribute financially and once again, she loves me and wants to move home.
So, I didn’t say a word, and went and helped her get her stuff and move back in. Nothing changed.
The next time she “rage” left was because I told her he bf couldn’t live with us.
This time she moved in with his parents and him. Her family was calling saying she was a tenant in our house and I had no right to tell her who could be there. Lots of drama ensued.
About 2 months later she broke up with him, and guess who wasn’t so awful any more? So… she came back. And guess what changed… nothing…
This last time she actually made a plan, got together with some friends and they all rented a place together (I do feel like this was a legit move out of parents house and not a tantrum).
She has been out of the house for about a year, and her dad and I have helped her with bills, we even skipped Christmas last year because she was behind on bills so we paid about $1500 worth of debt off.
Here is the thing, the help “her dad and I” give her actually comes from my trust. The trust and the house are NOT marital property (there is a pre nup).
Recently her dad and I found out we were expecting. We decided to tell her earlier than we told anyone else.
She went on a RAMPAGE. Calling constantly telling us how upset she is over it.
She went and cried about it to EVERYONE about how her dad only cared about hos new family, including a public fb post about it, before we even got a chance to announce it. Again, lots of phone calls and drama from her mom and family.
I ended up losing the pregnancy, which has made me resent her, because i feel like to her it was a good thing.(was fairly early, but that was the main reason we were waiting to tell people)
This was about 4 months ago.
She is now having issues with her roommates and is and is getting behind on bills. The issues with the roommates are the same issues we had when she lived here.
She is hinting about moving back in, and even mentioned her current (umemployed) bf and her living with us to save up to buy a house.
Her dad and I are planning to try for another baby, and honestly, I feel like after everything I don’t want to help her out again, with my house or my money.
Our regular income doesn’t afford us a ton of extra money, but we live pretty modest lifesyle and the extra is going into savings.
My husband agrees with me, and he has gotten together with her to talk, and basically she hates me, again, and again, her family is calling, texting and messaging him about how he is putting his “new family” over his child, how I am a “step monster” and how since we are married it’s his house and money too and I have no right to stop him from supporting his daughter.
I want peace but I am so over helping someone who obviously dislikes me and doesn’t want me around for anything but what she can get.
I don’t know what to do. Right now I have blocked her and an letting her just deal with her dad, but obviously that is just a band aid.
30 comments
OMG she’s 23, she needs to take care of herself.
Glad your husband is on your side OP. Please don’t let SD use you anymore.
Oh no, your husband needs to step the hell up and drop a bomb on her head and stop enabling her behavior including the other side of family.
I would seriously be going off on all of them for disrespecting both you and the relationship.
Not only does she not deserve to move back in, you guys need to make exceedingly clear that behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
Not to be rude, but what the hell is your husband thinking???? Why is he not dropping the hammer on this toxic crap???
Why are you being left to deal with his toxic kid and family??
Personally, I would sit her down and outline all the reasons why you are not allowing her to move back in, or financially supporting her as you’ve done here. (Leave out the bit about her being glad you lost the baby though)
I would literally outline as you have done here and tell her that each time you’ve given her support she gone around negatively talking about you to everyone who will listen and it’s not OK.
If i was in your shoes, I’d probably give her one last chance in the form of a fixed amount to help her with her bills etc. And say, that is it. No more. I’d reiterate that you’ll be there for emotional support but after this you will not bail her out for her bills again. Reiterate that you love her etc. But this is it.
Then, again if it was me, I’d write to all the family members who are giving you and your husband grief outlining the timeline of what’s gone on and lay out the same thing to them. You’re giving her x amount to help on this occasion and then that is it.
Anyone who decides to be abusive towards after this gets auto blocked, no matter who it is.
I would also make it very clear to ger that what she did by posting online about the baby was completely unacceptable. She’s not a child anymore and she needs to stop acting like one.
You should have stopped this years ago. She can go live with her mom. Never give her any more money. She’s a monster & you guys are enabling her.
If the behaviors and back and forth you described as accurate the first thing you need to do is get very comfortable with being called a step monster. People who try to emotionally manipulate you only get some place when you are able to be emotionally manipulated. If the best that she’s got is that you’re a terrible person even though you’ve taken her in several times and if she’s got the support of a bunch of other family members talking and also trying to guilt trip you you need to stop being guilt tripped. Blocking her is probably immature. You need to let your husband deal with it and any agitated or harassing behavior that comes toward you throughout the whole post there wasn’t a lot of discussion about his stance on her behaviors. You do not need to deal with her anymore you should tell your husband what you expect and what is a boundary for you. If it is something that he can agree on then when she doesn’t follow through it is his job to enforce the rules not yours. And when I say rules I mean rules for her being outside of your house I believe that you should have a perfect case to explain to your husband why you don’t want her in the house any longer and he needs to respect that. He absolutely needs to respect that and you don’t need to accept anything different. If you put your foot down and don’t compromise I don’t think that he is going to be asking for divorce from you because you have stand firm and won’t budge.
rince, repeat
rince, repeat
rince, repeat
Break the cycle or else you will always be the victim of her and her family.
Write out the history of the gifts, the mind games and such, how she manipulates the situation, and give a copy to her and maybe the family to get your side out. she is big into PR for her views. You need to step up and break the cycle.
She is an adult now, she needs to adult in a mature manner
i know you’re “tied” to her because of your marriage, you don’t want to throw away 7 years, and you want a baby.
but does common sense not occur to you to say “no she cannot live here, she can go live in a cheap apartment and **YOU** (husband) will pay for her with **YOUR** money. i’m done wasting money for our future family on the ungrateful girl”
tell him to pick up a part time job if he wants to. he doesn’t have to live cushy on your money and stress you out
it’s **YOUR** trust. stop being a tool and stand up for yourself. you want her back in the house to force another miscarriage due to stress?
you have the house. you have the money. you have the power. please advocate for yourself and don’t let her in the house. all the family she badmouths you with? they can take her in
The stress of it all may have cost you your first pregnancy, your husband should go NC with the rest of his daughters family and spare you any drama if you plan on trying again with him.
You are throwing your trust fund away on someone who is ungrateful and does not have the capacity to appreciate it or you.
It’s time to shut this down. She is 24. She is not a child. You both have given her every opportunity to pull herself up but she has chosen not to grow up.
Tough love time. It all has to come from your husband though. All of it. He needs to tell her that the piggy bank is empty and it’s time for her to grow up and get a grip. There is no excuse for her behavior.
Your 💯% correct in your judgment of her. She’s not changing anytime soon.
She’s an adult, it’s time for your husband to cut the chord or its going to be him that loses access to your home and trust fund.
**Block each and everyone on your husbands side of the family**.
SD is an adult and it’s time she learned how to adult.
**STOP**
* giving her money.
* responding to her emotional outbursts.
* letting her around until she learns how to adult.
Op, hubby should be the only one dealing with her and he should talk to you before committing anything that might involve you or your funds.
You have done enough for her. I would not allow her to abuse and use you any longer. You’ve been damned if you do and damned if you don’t this whole time, you have nothing to lose by saying no to her. She’s too old to still need daddy to take care of her.
She seems to have psychological issues. Depending on the country you live in, (applies to USA only) 221.org might be able to help. Also, she is grown and needs to be on her own two feet not yours. You and your husband need to set boundaries and rules, plus sticking to them.
This is reasonable. It sounds like dad did a poor job of disciplining her. Being a step parent is being in a uniquely sacrificial position where you have much of the responsibilities and zero authority. (I never advocate step parenthood. My grandpa was one. I had a step mom. I had friends with step parents. Big yikes.) It sounds like Dad didn’t properly empower/back you/talk you up and punish bad behavior early on. This may also be mom being wicked and shit talking you or just general divorce dis-harmony. These are the chickens coming home to roost. Hubby needs to establish firm boundaries and kinda be a shield for you.
she sounds like she has some serious mental health issues.
“No” is a whole answer.
I’d let her dad take it from here and make it known you’re no longer interested in her living with you guys or helping her. Sounds like he supports and respects you, so he will have your back. She’s more than taken advantage of you. This isn’t about him choosing his “new family” over her. She’s a grown damn adult and he’s choosing to treat her as such. You are not a monster and you’ve done and put up with more than most would have.
Quit being doormat for a spoiled entitled manipulative little bitch and put you your foot, quit paying anything for her out of YOUR money she ll suck you dry.
This isn’t even about get at this point. It’s about boundaries with your husband. If he allows guys daughter to treat you this way then HE is complicit in her abuse and mistreatment of you. She is an adult who needs therapy and it sounds like you’re husband does too
I notice that all the flying monkeys calling you on her behalf are not offering to let her move in with *them.* I’d unblock her just to send her the message that you don’t want toxic people in your house that badmouth you to everyone and only pretend to like you when they are after your money or a place to live. And that she should maybe do some self-reflecting over the fact that EVERYONE she has tried to live with has had the same problem with her – that she is lazy and entitled and never contributes her fair share – instead of always blaming everyone else for her woes. And that henceforth, your trust fund will not be available to her anymore. If her father has extra funds to help her with her bills, that’s fine and on him, but she shouldn’t expect anything more from you – she still has a bio-mom who can contribute, you are just the stepmom. And then block her again. And let your husband and his ex deal with her drama, you’re done.
Where is the father in all of this? Your husband did no parenting. Your husband didn’t clean after her; why were you doing that or asking her to do it? That should have been your husband. Why are YOU giving her money? You should have NEVER given her money from your trust.
Your husband does nothing and now is agreeing with you because he doesn’t want to lift a finger. Also, he doesn’t want to leave YOUR house and YOUR trust fund. Your husband has also been using you, not just his daughter. Your husband should have told you to never give her money to pay her bills. He should have either stepped up or told his daughter he isn’t paying for her debts.
Your husband is the biggest ass hole here. He never parent her. You said her mom is a meth addict couch surfing … what type of mom is that? And the daughter was living with her? Yeah. And you want to have a baby with this man? Does he help around the house? Do you think he’ll do child care? And he better put back the money you gave his daughter from your trust.
This is a husband problem, OP. He needs to not just be on board with cutting her off, but also with going NC with his family for harassing you. You should have blocked them already.
She’s never going to be a functional adult if you and your husband keep rescuing her. Be firm that she can’t move back with you with her boyfriend. It’s for her own benefit in the long-run.
Also, she’s 24. Unless there’s a genuine emergency there’s no reason for your husband to have to speak to her mother or anyone else from that side of the family. Literally no reason to have to talk to them at all. He needs to be a big boy and block everyone except his daughter’s mother.
Also also, I would not be eager to have a child with your husband until he goes to therapy and learns some basic parenting skills. He’s just going to repeat the same cycle with another child unless he makes an effort to change.
Continue to block her and the rest of her family. If they try to get close to you threaten them with a restraining order. You’ve been enabling her behavior for so long it’s ridiculous. Start to put your foot down. There’s nothing else you can do. The rest is up to your husband. He can still have a relationship with her, it just won’t involve you helping her. If he wants to help her he can use his own money.
Boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaires.
she is 24.
no more money, no more house.
set boundaries. Tell her no. tell ur husband no.
Time for Tough Love. Tell her she’s not welcome to move back in. Having that idea of a safety net is not helping her take on her due responsibilities.
Stop giving her money.
Stop paying her bills.
And get your husband on board with all of that.
That girl needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, and you guys are doing more damage than aid by helping her out of her jams all the time.
Yeah, remind this brat and anyone who calls to berate you that she is no longer a child. She’s an adult whom you have bailed out several times and until she can act like a civil human being, you’re done bailing her out.
Why are you allowing a leech to drain your trust fund? Why are you letting this leech continuing to use and abuses you and your resources? Seems like your husband is fine with it and not doing jack to put a stop to this leeching grown “adult”. It’s fine for him because you’re allowing them to drain your trust through this POS of a leech. *Also, they’re all entitled POS for thinking that they have a say with YOUR money and house.
Why can’t her father pay for his own child? Like could he get a better job? Extra job? Why are you to blame? It doesn’t make sense. You have been generous this entire time. Why would her family blame you? Why don’t they help her? If they call and text why don’t they pay for her? Or say I will only help you if you’re in school and properly pay your bills on time. Boundaries? This isn’t your circus or your monkey and blaming the one person who actually is helping her with money and demanding more is so entitled, rude, frankly, shameless.