Up until about 6 months ago I \[24 M\] only used porn to masturbate. I thought I was developing a problem with porn, so I decided to try use my “imagination” instead of hopping on the hub every night.
This has resulted in consistently fantasizing about this one friend Emily \[23 F\] and I hooking up together. I have a girlfriend \[22 F\] of a year and a half, and Emily has had a boyfriend \[27 M\] for the past year (funny enough I set the two of them up together). The fantasy often revolves around Emily initially expressing reluctance about doing anything sexual with me (because we’re both taken), then I eventually convince her to do something “small,” then more and more until finally she is so into it and enjoying the pleasure that she cannot resist me. It also turns me on to think that we are both cheating on our partners together and she gets so carried away with her attraction to me that she throws away the trust she has built with her boyfriend.
I know, pretty desperate and lame.
Aside from the fact that these fantasies definitely reside in some gray area about consent, I feel like a total, utter pervert and creep afterward and often throughout the day. I sometimes stalk her instagram for sexy photos. What creeps me out the most about myself is that sometimes when I see her and she is wearing something either revealing or that I find attractive on her, I consistently have the though “well, that’s going in the spank bank” or “I’m gonna use this later.”
I am aware that is perfectly normal to have sexual fantasies about attractive friends and coworkers, and that sometimes fantasies are just harmless, but this one has gone too far. It bleeds into my everyday life and interactions. I’ve become obsessed. With her, with the fantasy, with the very slim reality that someday maybe we will both be single and then finally we can be together. It is getting to the point where half the time I masturbate (every day or every other day) it is about her. I save revealing photos of her to my phone.
Me and my girlfriend are happy together, but it’s become more of a best-friend-I-tell-everything-to-and-sometimes-hookup-with kinda relationship. If Emily came to my doorstep and confessed her love for me right now I’d drop my girlfriend and go be with her.
TL; DR I feel like shit for: being a pervert toward Emily (female friend), getting turned on by convincing a reluctant party to sexual acts, being emotionally/mentally unfaithful to my girlfriend, sexualizing Emily almost every time I see her, and feeling like I can “invest” in a friendship with Emily for a potential future relationship.
4 comments
It sounds like you are bored in your relationship and coming up with things to distract yourself from it. If you’re not into your girlfriend any more it is ok to break up.
Leave your girlfriend. This would break my heart if my husband was doing this and keeping it from me. You’re being unfair to her. You are emotionally cheating on her and I think you’d absolutely physically cheat on her with this friend if you got the chance. She deserves someone who wants HER fully, not her “Kind of, but not as much as your friend.”
And I’d end your friendship with this girl, too. You might fuck up more than one relationship if you keep this up.
Fantasizing no problem. Fantasizing about best friend that borders on stalking while in another relationship not so much. It is only a matter of time your secret may not be a secret due to a lesser state of consciousness from partying, karma or just a basic social interaction where something unintended rises to the surface. My advice would be to turn your attention to another source pretty damn quick.
If I didn’t know any better, I would say, you are definitely my boyfriend! Lol 😂😂😂. But no really, very similar situation. From the Girlfriend end, you both deserve to be happy. So if you two just aren’t compatible anymore, THATS OKAY. Yeah it wi suck for a little while, but it will suck more if you cheat on her.