Hi, I (27f) am married to a wonderful man (28) whom I love very much. He’s attentive, generous, and kind, and honestly just the best. Which is why I’m struggling with this.
I (and his doctors) suspect he’s struggling with some very significant ADHD. We are currently waiting for the next appointment with his psych so we can get him started on medication and therapy to help. He has all the hallmark symptoms, and I truly don’t mind helping him in the areas he needs support for this. I’ve done a lot of research and talking to him about what helps and what doesn’t, and I’m trying to do my best to be a good other half for him.
The one sticking point I have is the hyperfixations. This man could talk about cars until hell froze over. He builds the same exact vehicle on car websites multiple times a day just to see the specs. And I feel like it’s completely invaded every single conversation we have. I know that fixating like this is a coping mechanism for the anxiety he feels sometimes, and I understand that it’s soothing to his racing brain, but when it’s the fourth time in one day I’ve heard about it sometimes it really gets on my nerves. I want to talk about other things, and I hate that it makes me zone out when he’s talking. I find myself “mmmhmmm”-ing through twenty minutes of him talking and it feels so disrespectful to him, but I almost can’t help it when it’s the same thing I’ve already heard twice today.
I just need help with how to deal with this. I’ve tried setting gentle boundaries, such as “hey, when we’re on this date tonight, can we go the whole time we’re in the restaurant without talking about things with wheels?” And it just leads to him beating himself up. Because he knows it’s grating on me but it’s almost like he can’t help himself. I don’t want to be condescending or dismissive, but I really REALLY need to talk about something other than a naturally aspirated engine for a little while. Does anybody have any advice? Please be kind, I really am trying to be a good wife here…
8 comments
It isn’t good for either him or you for you to be a pacifier. It is OKAY to be done talking about a subject. You can do it with kindness – give him a heads up that sometimes you are going to be done talking about ______. It is healthy to be able to say “Honey, I’ve got about five more minutes of car talk in me” and then gently stop him after five minutes. I promise you, he doesn’t want to be boring or off-putting either!
Pointing out is hyper fixation will also help him identify and correct the behavior in the future. As a person with adhd I do not resent my wife when she points out that she is done with what I am talking about. It is healthy to have boundaries.
Some resources for you…
[ADHD and Marriage](https://www.adhdmarriage.com/)
Don’t let the resentment get you, you have a loyal partner
Best
“I appreciate how passionate you are about this, but I’m about at my limit for being talked at about a topic you’re very interested in that I am unfortunately not very interested in, so can you please wrap it up?”
Rinse and repeat. Don’t make it a judgment just be matter of fact. Maybe come up with a signal. “Honey… Rutabaga.” Then you start a different topic of conversation, don’t say he can’t talk about the thing in his brain he wants to discuss but then expect him to immediately come up with an alternative as it may take a bit to do that, and the time spent waiting might make it worse.
This also sounds like it could be autism, not just ADHD. I hope he’s also being evaluated for that. The repetition of building the same car over and over is possibly more of an autistic thing than ADHD. ADHD can have special interests they hyperfocus on but ADHD brains want novelty which leads to unpredictability and chaos not the same thing done the same way over and over. Generally speaking.
(source: have both, and so does my husband).
He might be on the spectrum like I am. Maybe have the doctor screen for both.
My husband has ADHD and we often cope together through humor. I laughed very hard reading about yours building the car because we just went through the same thing except he determined it was my new car that he’s fixating on and no, I’m not at all in the market for one! The key is for him to recognize the behavior. My husband will acknowledge he’s fixating and basically ask me to just hear him out for a bit, but I eventually hit my limit and he respects it. Basically, open communication.
I will also add my husband was diagnosed as a child and developed social mechanisms to cope with his symptoms. It is still a learning game, but he can kind of lead the joke since he understands his behaviors better. Give your husband some grace, BUT do not be shy in speaking your limits. My husband appreciates me calling him out rather than a stranger and embarrassing him.
Another good resource is r/ADHD_partners.
My husband and I both have adhd. We struggle with this sometimes. The best/easiest way to avoid those topics is just simply changing the subject. If you share something you’re interested in like a tv show or movie, bring that up! Anything that also interests you would be easy topic changer.