What should a woman with no children know/do when dating a man with children?

36 comments

  1. If he is a decent father, his kids will be a priority. Yes you will need alone time with him, but try to in the future, plan dates/outings involving the kids too

  2. Don’t treat the children like they are a burden, nuisance, or something that is competing with you for his time and attention. Otherwise just try and act like a cool Aunt until if or when you are asked to take a motherly role that requires more.

  3. It depends on the man.

    For some, his children come first, second, and third. You come fourth. Once you accept that his child’s dentist appointment is more important to him than your birthday, the better. And once you accept that that makes him a good man the better. You are still important to him. But he has a higher priority.

    For some, his children don’t come first, and you might.

  4. I’m going to tell you what everybody here would be saying if the genders were reversed: don’t. There is absolutely zero benefit for a child-less person to date someone who has kids

  7. I have 2 kids, my wife had none when we started dating.

    As a responsible adult, I made sure we dated for a significant time and was sure that it was going somewhere before I made the introductions.

    Before doing that I didn’t set much in the way of expectations.. No speeches about “you’re not their mom blah blah” because if I felt the need to do that, I probably wouldn’t be introducing them, or continuing the relationship.

    If he isn’t a good dad / a responsible adult, leave and don’t look back. If he never wants you to meet his kids.. Big red flag.

    Only pretty minor adjustments vs. a man with no kids.. You can’t just randomly book a 2 week vacation as a surprise… That’s about it. Make sure you know his schedule and respect that 100%

    Pretty simple stuff. Don’t overthink it. Also… Ignore the negativity from all the people saying not to date them on this thread. Just because they failed, doesn’t mean you will.

  9. I 46f no kids by choice, have a boyfriend with 2 kids for nearly 3 years. I really never liked kids but when his kids walked into my house the first time we immediately clicked and his ex gf their mom likes me too. She and I are very different like opposite! I’m a career woman and she never works as one example. I told myself that if I didn’t feel good around his kids, like it just didn’t feel right to me being around them I would end the relationship. My dad married a woman I can’t stand and he always forced her on me. I knew I wanted the relationship with the kids to be natural and not be all up at them. My boyfriend for the first month we lived together wouldn’t let me do any caretaking of them. By month 2, we worked as a team cooking for the kids and by month 4 I was doing things with the kids by myself when he traveled for work. His daughter called me her stepmom at the airport 7 months ago. I was so happy because I truly love his kids. It can happen, I am so happy when we have family time together, if you open your heart and can be unselfish realizing kids and planning don’t always mesh, ha. I was married 20 years and learned to be unselfish and compromise. So though I didn’t have kids, I had dogs and a spouse to always consider. My advice is go with your gut, does it feel right? Kids can see thru any bs. You owe it to yourself, your partner and the kids to be honest and true to yourself. Unless they need /seek another mom, just step back, I read once act like a cat when step parenting, not all up at them like a dog ha. Be another adult figure in their life. I know that I will do whatever I can to support them. Even if my boyfriend would pass away before me, I would be there for his kids and future grandkids. And yes since I’ve known his kids since they were 9 & 10 I plan to be referred to as a step grandmother “nannan” to his grandkids. By then, I’m hoping I’ll have been in their lives for 20 years when they have their own kids.

  11. Don’t. You won’t be a priority. Ever. Kids always comes first. If they don’t, he’s a terrible father ergo not a good partner

  12. You should have va pretty good idea of how babies are made and how to defend against it. If he’s done it before he’ll do it again.

  13. Don’t expect much appreciation or acknowledgment for your efforts with the children. No matter what you do with them or how much you’re there for then you will always be “Dads girlfriend/wife” it’s a thankless job

  15. As others have said, the kids will (and should) come first to their dad.

    Your relationship with them will be something that needs to be carefully worked out between them, their dad, and you. You might have a very hands-on role, or you might have a very passive role.

    You should be able to expect that nobody will force you to take on a bigger role than you’re comfortable with. But you need to understand that no matter how you feel about the kids, or how much work you put into the relationship, they will never, ever owe you a bigger role in their lives than they are comfortable with.

    Meaning, you might one day (if they want it, and you want it, and dad wants it) become like a mother to them. But if they don’t want it, you absolutely under no circumstances get to expect it or demand it.

    Edit: Also, depending on their age and the situation with their parents, they might be super hostile to you. And depending on circumstances, you probably don’t get to reciprocate. They are just kids, and this might be a lot for them to handle.

  16. My GF understands my son is my priority. The first time he was here for the summer, she amazoned a couple of nerf guns and a shitload of darts to my house. Keep in mind, at the time she’d never even met him and was only going to meet him as a friend. It meant the absolute world to me. It sounds dumb but that’s when I fell in love with her.

  18. Don’t try to make yourself a mom to prove anything. You’re going to need to be involved in the children’s lives eventually sure, but don’t force your way in, in an attempt to gain quick acceptance.
    Whether the child has a complex about their lack of mother or not, it doesn’t matter.

  19. You’ll find out if she likes kids or not real fucking fast when they marry you they marry the kids. Period

  20. I really wish my ex husband would read these comments. We had a fantastic relationship after we split and our daughter was the absolute centre of his/our world until he met his new partner. All of a sudden he blows a small disagreement way out of proportion and is now callin his daughter a spoilt brat for wanting to spend time with him, he’s organised an entire divorce to suit the needs of his new girlfriend (who his friends are calling his midlife crisis) and he’s becoming paranoid that everyone is out to wreck his relationship! Honestly, nobody cares!

  22. Don’t ask stupid “theoretical” questions like:

    ‘Would you leave your kids for me?’

    I got that one out the blue. I asked her if she’d leave her parents for me.

    With kids I know I have to balance the needs of a significant other and children. Same if it had been the kids’ mom. You’re taking care of 1 + the number of kids. Got to treat them equal in the end but at times one gets more than the others.

    Needless to say I punted that one but it was obvious we couldn’t go forward.

  23. Same thing a dude with no kids dating a woman with kids should know –

    You’re going to be second place to them for a while, if not forever. Sure, once you’ve been married two or three years, if you become the priority that’s fine. Adults in a healthy romantic relationship should be making each other a priority in things. But just dating? If you aren’t second place (or even third or fourth) to the kids and their other parent(s) needs*, you’re dating a shitty dude.

    *By that I don’t mean still holding a candle for an ex or pining over them. I mean – if the mom calls them at 6pm with a “Hey, some shit’s happening, I need you to take the kids until tomorrow” and the dude doesn’t cancel your plants to take the kids, then he’s a shitty dude. If he talks shit about her in front of the kids, he’s a shitty dude.

  24. Co-parenting with the children’s mother will require him to talk with her on a regular ongoing basis. It doesn’t mean he is still into her or not over her.

  25. Depends if you both agree on the hierarchy of things. Many people think the kids should come first. Many others believe that their partner comes first, and then the kids (reason here being that kids are meant to grow up, leave, and start their own families, but your partner is the one person who will stick around until death and you will live with every day). I personally don’t waste my time trying to think who comes first – the relationships are very different. And what does “coming first” even mean? Sometimes he will choose doing things with and for you, sometimes he will choose doing things with and for his children. It’s situational. Rightly so, sometimes children will take up more of someone’s time because children, depending on age, require more help than an adult. Depending on the age, they can be useless (in the sense that they can’t do some things for themselves at all and require assistance from an adult). This doesn’t mean they are coming first, it just means they are provided the adequate amount of time and help required. Giving someone more time in situations like this doesn’t mean they are “more important,” it’s just the right thing to do. Yet again. I wouldn’t bother wondering who comes first, because I don’t think it’s fair to even try to compare the relationships in this scenario. They’re too different.

  26. It really depends on the dad in question, but when my kid was young (she’s a grownup now) and I was dating, a lot of women would assume I was looking for a mother for her. Which wasn’t true at all, I was doing just fine raising her by myself.

  27. I went through this and all I can say is do not try and take the place of their mom. If they have a mom, then respect her place even though she may be a total shit show. Let the kids come to you when they are ready. My step mom did this and we had and still have a great relationship. My mom on the other hand forced my step dad down my throat all my life and we never had a good relationship. He was a nice guy but when she kept calling him dad all the time and forcing him to coach our teams and take my dads place it out a pretty big wedge in our relationship.

  31. I would never date a man with kids again. They will always be an issue and just because he doesn’t have custody of them when you first start dating doesn’t mean that it will stay that way. Then all of the sudden you will have to deal with them living with you full time but you are too committed to get out of the relationship. Don’t waste your energy. Find a man without the baggage, it really isn’t worth it.

  34. A good father will always prioritize his children. A good man will always make space for you. Find a good father and a good man!

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