Hey there, I (M21)need some advice on a situation that happened.
First some needed context:
I’ve been studying for some time now and have met some cool people, which now helped me through a lot, because my ex broke up with me about two months ago.
There’s a girl (I will call her Luna (F19) on here) that I’ve gotten closer now and she’s overall a pretty amazing friend, she’s smart, good looking, humorous and has a nice style and most importantly she’s relatively outgoing. But sadly in a relationship for now 3 months, because she absolutely matches my energy, my goals and she’s very much my type… (brunette)
And there’s a girl (Imma call her Sarah (F19) for now) that has always been very shy, she wears mostly black, also sweet and kind… but I only see her as a friend and she’s not really matching my type and all…
(Before you come at me. I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years with a girl (F21) that was not my type and I’ve always had the feeling that I was missing something. But she was an absolute lovely girl, that ended on cheating on me and leaving me. Then the last relationship (over one year) I’ve had and that ended two months ago I’ve had a f*cking goddess and she (F20) matched my type 1:1… and as superficial as it sounds, that was also an important aspect for me to really be drawn to my partner)
I’ve spoken to Luna about Sarah and that I think Sarah got feelings for me, because she was talking “lots” with me and texted me randomly during night and I was Sarah’s “go to person”… Sarah also recently broke up with her long distance boyfriend… and we spent some nights together, sleeping in the same bed and cuddling but nothing more. I’ve asked Luna for advice (I didn’t tell her about the cuddling) on what to do because I see Sarah only as a friend and can’t imagine more…
Fast forward to now.
We spent another night together and hormones did their thing, at least for me and she ended up getting more intimate. No s*x, but I’ve made her orgasm and she gave me a bj (her first ever… which I mention because I think that’s kind of a big deal …) but then after we were done she asked for a kiss and then it absolutely sunk in, like a “post nut clearance” how some say that…
For me this whole thing was something also very intimate and something I enjoyed, but not in a relationship kinda way…
I felt terrible right after and I feel like I’ve taken advantage of her in some kind of way bc she likes me… but I didn’t think about that in that moment, I was just enjoying myself and making her enjoy it aswell… but for me there was no feelings.
What the hell am I supposed to do now?
I’m going on vacation for two weeks now so there’s gonna be distance, which I’m glad for, but I don’t think I should let her wait that long…
And what am I even supposed to tell her?
I know she’s been going through a lot recently and she needs someone in her life that loves and cares for her, but I only do that in a friendship kinda way.
(I care maybe a little more than others, because I’m a very caring person, but hurt a lot of people by “ignoring” their feelings for me, but simply because I didn’t know they had some for me… afterwards I often heard “oh you were just normally that nice and like that? I thought there was more behind that”)
Do I know just tell her the truth that shes just a friend to me or say something like “I’m not ready for another relationship right now”?
tl;dr
I’ve had intimacy with a friend that likes me and wants more, but I just want her as a friend, because I’m interested in another girl.
How do I solve this situation now?
6 comments
>because I’m interested in another girl.
Are you talking about the girl that is actively in another relationship? Why are you pining over a girl that has a boyfriend?
You’ve made some mistakes here. You’ve let yourself view a girl in a relationship as a romantic prospect, and you seem to be letting her believe you are looking for platonic friendship while having ulterior motives. Not cool. Also, you kept getting physically intimate with someone you knew you had no interest in, while suspecting she may have feelings for you. Also not cool. You need to distance yourself from the first girl so that you can stop pining for her and holding yourself back, and you need to explain to the second girl kindly but openly that you aren’t looking for something serious right now and would rather dial back your interactions to strictly platonic.
Be fair and tell her, you like someone else
Not sure I totally got who’s sarah who’s Luna. You had sex with Luna but you like Sarah, right ? If so, Luna already knew since you told her before that you liked Sarah. Just say it again, say the truth and say you’re sorry if you misinterpreted her feelings towards you and if she is hurt
Be honest and set firmer boundaries. You haven’t been a good friend when she was vulnerable, but she deserve the truth to decide if she wants to keep you as a friend or not. I would be honest and not kick the can down the road by telling her “it’s not you it’s me” bit.
Take this as the time to reflect so in the future you don’t continue to use people. I would also recommend not pursuing unavailable women.
Unless you were 100% clear that you were just looking for a fun night together and not a relationship, you did take advantage of Sarah’s feelings for you. I don’t think you’re a bad guy, because you are feeling guilt over what happened between you, but you behaved selfishly.
It sounds like this is a pattern that you’ve recognized in yourself, which is important if you want to treat women with more consideration in the future. Always be upfront about what you’re looking for, whether that’s friendship or a relationship or FWB. If you know that someone has feelings for you and you don’t feel the same, it’s generally a bad idea to sleep with them.
And if what you have is a friendship only, set boundaries around what you share with each other emotionally and physically. Crossing those lines will just set one of you up for hurt and disappointment. When in doubt, treat a female friend the same way you would a platonic male friend (especially in terms of touch).
Don’t string Sarah along. You’re not interested, and you don’t have to justify why; but recognize that you need to end things with her. It isn’t your responsibility to take care of her the way a boyfriend would, and she’ll find someone who loves and cares for her on her own.
If you want to be kind, you could send her something like: “I wanted to apologize for the way I handled things between us. I really like you as a person and a friend, but I’m not looking for anything romantic. I should’ve been upfront about that from the start, and that’s on me. I understand if you no longer want to be friends, and if that’s the case I wish you well.” Own your mistake and don’t give details about why you aren’t interested in her, even if she asks.
With Luna – it sucks to fall for a friend who isn’t single and/or doesn’t see you that way, but it happens. Try not to fixate on her – while you’re looking at her, you’re shutting yourself off to the possibility of finding someone else who’s compatible *and* available. If you need some space to sort out your feelings, take the time you need.