I’m not much of a writer, I appreciate your patience and direction
​
**The ugly:**
I failed the love of my life more times that I can count. For 8 years, we had a toxic relationship and I’m responsible for pain she still experiences today. We met as teenagers, we grew up together and with very little direction, no financial or emotional support, our relationship was a mess, love came with a heavy price tag that after 2 decades we both are still paying for. With ultimate freedom, I, we, did not always make the best of decisions, but our love was big enough to overlook the pain we caused each other.
**The Good:**
Now in our late 30s, we are starting to rip the benefits of long term sacrifices. We have focused in 2 jobs, 3 jobs, 4 jobs, long term goals, raising a family, our education, the education of our two kids, helping extended family/friends. We’ve been together and married now for 12 years. 2 kids, a dog, a house and good jobs.
Lately (not sure why we waited this long?!!!), we have been intentional about making the most of our relationship, she means absolutely everything to me. I love her and I feel her love, it is the most amazing thing. We started showing affection in different ways , it is as if we forgot that “feeling”, you know the feeling of nervousness, anxiety and willingness to do everything for the person that makes you feel butterflies and go crazy (this is a 38 year old dude talking about feeling butterflies) . We did it gradually, our compass was the love we felt for each other, we wanted to be better for each other. I am taking a hard look at at our actions and the impact I had on her. I look at myself in the mirror, and I’m now at a point where I can speak about my transgressions, still with a heavy heart, I can speak about it. It has helped take accountability.
I humble and give myself to her with open arms ready to take what is coming to me.
**The bad:**
I did not propose to my wife romantically, I did not propose to her at all. She asked me to marry her, and I accepted. I did not realize the impact this had on her until now (how was I so blind and stupid?, this is what I think in long car rides, it is for me to carry and it is eating me alive) . For context, we had already lived together for years and had a daughter, and when we decided to get back, she asked me to do things right and to get married which I agreed since it was what I wanted.
Why am I sharing this? I love her, I wish I had kneeled and had said the magic words, It pains me deeply.
**We all deserve happiness:**
But hey! I was told that it is not too late. this is where you come in! knowing what you know. The good, the bad and the ugly (I’m not sure, why I used this analogy, it made sense in my mind ).
How do I show her that even though I did not pop the question it doesn’t mean that I did not wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to make her feel like the queen she is and give her the proposal she deserves. I want to show her my love ❤️ not only with our closest circle of friends but with everybody who is willing to listen.
In the past months I have experienced the deepest levels of pain and I’m grateful as I have also experienced love, trust and respect. This is a long shot, but what advice do you have for me? how do I propose to her?
​
X.
3 comments
Can you propose to her for a vow renewal? Maybe new ring or wedding band?
Awww this is sweet. I would wait until your next anniversary (or the one after that if you need more time to save up money), and in the meantime purchase a ring that is nice, but still affordable within your budget – you don’t want your sweet romantic gesture to reduce your growing family’s standard of living for a decade, or keep your kids from having nice clothes and nutritious meals.
Arrange well in advance for a babysitter for the kids. You want that anniversary celebration to be all about your wife and yourself, with no distractions. To make it really fancy, also reserve a nice hotel room where you’ll spend the night, and don’t return home until the next day.
Make reservations at her favorite restaurant. If she doesn’t have one because you don’t often eat out, ask friends for their recommendations. Order a lavish meal, and then get up and go around to her side of the table and kneel beside her. Tell her sincerely as you show her the ring, with the other diners in the restaurant as your witnesses: “X, you have put up with me through thick and thin. With every year I continue to love you more than I thought I could possibly love anyone, and now that we are raising children together, I love you even more. You bring light to my life and peace to my soul. Would you do me the honor of marrying me all over again?”
Just because you’ve already gotten married, doesn’t mean you wouldn’t marry her all over again. You know her better than us; what would make her eyes shine? A midnight picnic by candlelight and under the stars? A nice evening out, suit and dress? Maybe a hike to some place with a killer view. I personally would only make a proposal in an intimate setting (i.e. no people around), but if she’s a hardcore baseball fan and you’re ok with the idea…
As for what to say exaclty, take your time. I’d recommend being concise – you’ll probably forget a few things, so shorter is better -, writing it down, reading, thinking about how to improve that, writing the improved version down again, rinse and repeat. If you want some inspiration, poetry is a must; but don’t try to make your version of something famous. You’re writing your promise for the rest of your life with her, something just for the two of you – make it yours.
As for the ring, there’s quite a bit you can do. If you really like your current one, you could offer her to take it to a cleaning/repairing service, and then proposing to her with the same ring (but prepare something romantic to go along with it, like saying that you wouldn’t change a thing about your past since it has brough you two here). I’d still prepare some extra jewelry in this case, however, just so there’s a physical souvenir of the proposing – like a tasteful necklace for those special events, or some earrings that could become family heirloom. Or use the cleaning the rings excuse to get its measure for a new one. Then discreetly budget the money – no need to break the bank, there’s a lot of nice jewelry for reasonable prices (I just researched for some vintage jewelry, and there was this black opal and diamond ring for about 2500 bucks – not cheap, but there was another one for 50k).
Keep the jewelry somewhere she can’t find (maybe with a relative) until the big day, then double check it’s in your pocket, and forget about it until it’s time. Don’t be too nervous; she has already said yes; all you want is for her to know you’d marry her any day of your life.