My partner (38) and I (40) are currently arguing and discussing my past. I lied about it when we first got together and told her she didn’t know them, so once she found out she was hurt and betrayed. Now everything I say is tainted and she obviously her guard up.
One big thing is that I cannot remember if one night with one girl ended in a failed hj or a failed bj. My partner thinks I must remember which it was, but it was dark, I started falling asleep and remember leaving before the ‘end’. I’m guessing I was very drunk too.
This was 21 ish years ago and I don’t remember how I got to the location it happened either
Can anyone help with some advice here please?
Edit, I’m also looking at whether I had/have narcissistic personality disorder, and my need for attention came out of this
Tl;dr
In summary, got drunk 21 years ago and now can’t remember how far a night went with a girl. I need to understand if this is normal
9 comments
Exactly why does it matter?
She feels I’m lying about not remembering to avoid hurting her feelings anymore. I’ve lied in the past and this seems like another lie.
How long have you two been together? You broke trust, but if you two could not repair trust, then you need to break up. Relationships do not work if one person remains untrusting of the other. Sometimes a lie does permanently destroy the relationship, but staying together when that happens is bad. You cannot live with someone who will never trust you.
You have a right to role out your sexual history at a pace that you’re comfortable with, and this includes a) not answering questions and b) white lies when refusing to answer the question would be an answer to the question.
So basically, she needs to accept that you didn’t tell her everything up front because you were still getting to know her and getting comfortable with her. *She wasn’t entitled to know*.
The truth is, people can memory hole past sexual experiences if they want and live their life as if it never happened. The only caveats to this are that if they impact someone’s health and safety or if your partner might find out otherwise – they really ought to hear it from you. But disclosure happens on the *disclosing partner’s timeline, as they’re comfortable.*
(This most often comes up with women, because men tend to be more judgmental about women with sexual histories than vice versa).
So first of all, I would separate these the issue of what you said when you were getting together, and what you’re saying now. Don’t fight a two-front war. She can’t use the fact that you were, when getting to know her, not ready to share things to argue that you’re a fundamentally dishonest person, and if she does you should tell her she’s being unreasonable.
Her expecting you to remember every jot and title of a sexual encounter from two decades ago is absurd. I was talking with a friend once and mentioned that we made out once, and she was like, “we did?” We were both sober at the time. We laugh about it now.
Ultimately, at a certain point you just let go of the argument. “Believe what you want to believe. I’m not going to sit here and argue about a memory of something that happened two decades ago.”
It sounds like couples counseling might help at this point if she is arguing about what you remember from 20 years ago.
Ok, so telling your partner whether you had slept with someone you both know falls into the category of things you should probably not lie to her about. Things like whether or not one encounter with someone involved “a failed hj or a failed bj” falls into the category of “none of your business.”
Is this a thing people do? Tell each other intimate details about past partners? It sounds like a white people thing, is it a white people thing?
The exact details of this one encounter are not your or her actual problem. You both need to let that one go. The problem is the long list of your other transgressions and lies (from all your comments, there is a LOT), and that she very sensibly no longer trusts you.
I don’t think that examining all your sexual history in detail is going to help her heal, or help you make up for your past harms. I question why on earth you are doing this exercise. I think it will only hurt her more to analyze all this stuff from the past, and likely it will stroke your ego some along the way.
I think it’s normal to lose some details from 20yrs ago. Especially if any substance use was involved. And I don’t think there’s any utility in trying to itemize all your experiences, anyway. STOP torturing each other this way.
Focus on what you are going to do in the here and NOW to rebuild her trust and make up for being repeatedly selfish and dishonest and not prioritizing your relationship. Spend this energy thinking about how SHE felt on every single one of your lies and betrayals. Not to beat yourself up, but to show her that you understand the impact of your choices and you’re going to use that understanding to prevent it ever happening again.
If you can’t be honest and faithful; if she can’t find it in her heart to fall in love with you again, then accept that you destroyed this marriage and start figuring out what it looks like to separate. I’m sorry, but your comments do not sound to me like someone who is ready to take responsibility for their choices and be in a monogamous respectful relationship.
Uh. She’s asking for specific details about a sexual encounter 21 years ago?
That’s over the top. She doesn’t need to know that, and you don’t need to share it.