What are some signs of gaslighting that can be difficult to notice?

4 comments

1. Keeping things JUST vague enough to make you question reality.

   “No, honey, I said X” when in reality they said Y. Similar, but not the same thing.

2. One that I’ve experienced is related to my awful memory.

   Over the past few years I’ve noticed my memory has become absolutely awful. It’s always been pretty bad, but I’m have a hard time recalling recent conversations, promises I’ve made, things I’ve learned, or stories that I’ve told.

   Around when this started happening 6-7 years ago, I was living with a girl who really took advantage of it. She would tell me I broke something and promised to pay her back, or that I let her cat out when she asked me not to so now I have to pay for the vet visit. I was a pretty heavy drinker at the time, so I never questioned it. I figured it was black out tax.

   After getting sober last year and realizing just how bad my memory had gotten, I started to question whether those things had actually happened. I asked a mutual friend “hey, did “Jane” ever have me pay for stuff I probably shouldn’t have?”. I found out that she did this so often that several people stopped being friends with her because of how badly she was taking advantage of me. I apparently paid rent 3x in one month, paid for countless bar tabs, and probably ended up giving her close to 5k while I lived with her (about 6 months).

   So, because of all of that, I’ve learned that I really need to pay attention to my money, but to also really watch out for accusations of me doing something out of character then being demanded to pay for it to be rectified.

   People who are trying to gaslight you will make you question your own character and mental abilities, and you really need to be confident with yourself to ensure you’re not taken advantage of.

3. My father is a retired therapist, so when he gaslights he uses a lot of psychology jargon and implies that I’m mentally ill for confronting him. He’s good at maintaining a calm, rational, authoritative “therapist voice,” so even when he’s saying complete bullshit I almost feel like I’m overreacting. Sometimes he’ll pretend to be “concerned” in order to undermine me… For instance, when I confront him about his uncontrolled diabetes and heavy weed use, he pretends to be incredibly worried about my “drinking problem” (an occasional glass of wine) and “eating disorder” (vegetarianism).

   People who have mental illnesses or who are neurodivergent should be very wary of gaslighting, because your mental issues *will* be used against you.

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