TL;DR I keep fucking things up in my relationship and my life and I don’t know what to do anymore

This might be long…I’m sorry, I just don’t know where else to turn to or how else to feel.

I(f22) keep fucking things up in my relationship with my bf(m21)

We have been dating for a little over 3 years now. I ended my relationship with my mentally and emotionally abusive ex and went straight into my relationship with the man I’m with now. I love this man…more than anything. But it seems that I keep having toxic tendencies that I’ve picked up from my previous relationship that carried over into this one…

For example, when we first started dating I still had photos of my ex on my phone. I learned from my ex that it was completely fine to have photos because they’re memories and we had dated for 2.5 years(he had photos of all his exes). My now partner asked me to remove them and it took me a long time to do it, not because I didn’t want to but I just kept forgetting about it. The most recent incidents are..I don’t have many friends, so I restarted my old kik account and mostly males would talk to me(and flirt)…I would still talk to them but not respond to any of the flirting and continue on the conversation on a different topic because I just don’t have many people to talk to.(I have bipolar 2 and lost basically all of my friends because I was too depressed for them or my parents wouldn’t let me hangout with them because they thought I was too depressed to leave the house). The last incident occurred tonight. I was at a drive thru and on the phone with my bf, while I was at the window of the drive thru I saw someone there that I’ve known since high school and he asked for my number so I gave it to him because it’s always been a completely platonic friendship.

After getting home my boyfriend got really mad at me and said that I have no respect for him or love and that I should have known his boundaries and should have given the guy my Instagram or something instead. This guy has also not always been the greatest to my bf when he’s been in the drive thru. I.e. slamming the window on him when my bf asked him something, granted I genuinely don’t know if this person heard my bf or not.

I’ve really fucked up tho and it’s really taken a turn on my mental health and it keeps making me question if I’ll ever be a good girlfriend or if I can ever fix the things I’ve done wrong. Idk what to do anymore, at this point I just feel like I want to die honestly. It’s so tempting. I feel like I’m never going to be good enough. I even asked him tonight if he really wants to be with me anymore because I keep hurting him. I don’t want to hurt him though…there’s something wrong with me tho because I keep doing it. Fuck I guess I’ll just never be good enough

Update: he came and gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek

6 comments

  3. First of, never go straight form one relationship in to another. And go and get soms professional mental help.
    Do you have friends or familie you trust? Ask them for real answers about how your current boy friend and how hey is threatening you and really listen to them

  4. Youve gone from one abusive relationship into another.

    What you need to do is be single and spend some time with a therapist to help you through those feelings.

    None of what he freaked out to is a normal response… hes controlling you.

    You dont have toxic tendencies, he does.

    My gf met a guy she knew from work recently and gave her number guess what I did? Said nice to meet you and let them talk… they went for coffee together and had a nice time. Its not hard.

  5. just have a good talk about what both of you are comfortable with. It honestly doesn’t need to go any further than that. People have different boundaries and experiences, there is no universal rule to this.

    Just know that you’re both entitled to have your emotion heard and validated. (including you)

  6. Yeesh I hope this doesn’t sound biased, but you remind me of my ex.
    Also This basically happened to me.
    She rushed into a relationship. She was talking to guys. Not flirting just talking. And when they did she would ignore it. But knowing how guys are they still continued to pursue. Lol and she didn’t stopped texting because she didn’t want to be rude.
    Or was bored.
    I was a different person then, and back then I found it annoying.
    But it happened to me too. Ppl would text me. And stuff but I just didn’t keep talking to the ppl who pursued me, I just told them I was in a relationship. And I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t just do the same.

    But yea honestly I can see how your bf got upset at all those things. It kinda feels like you’re honestly trying to make him mad. Or get a reaction out of him.
    My ex did this too me. Sometimes by accident but mostly on purpose.
    Shes since apologized for it.
    But it was both our fault.
    We both weren’t emotionally mature for a relationship. Maybe her more than me.
    She was still emotionally recovering from a relationship and I had no trust in her.
    I was insecure around that time. And thought she would just move in fast. Or talking to other ppl.

    Anyways I feel like you rushed into this relationship wayy to fast. You said it too.
    You didn’t have time to process your emotions and transferred some to the next relationship

    You need to decide if you want to really be in a relationship or not. Or if you’re just in the relationship to not be alone.
    Which is totally understandable, but doing that is kinda selfish. I know you said you love him, but you can still love someone that much and not be in a relationship.
    You can love from afar.

    a relationship should better your life. Not make it worse. And it seems like you Both are getting hurt.
    Either you both need to fix it and take both of your emotions into account. Or y’all need to break up and take care of your emotional needs first. Otherwise it’s just gonna be another painful relationship.

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