Been dating my bf for a year before I recently moved in with him. We are starting to have problems understanding each other, which we never experienced before.
For context – My bf and I used to work at the same office. He’s smart and competent. We had zero problem understanding each other, or being understood. We both received positive feedback from our managers, and we were promoted almost yearly. He’s a very genuine person. He can be nerdy sometimes but nothing I’d label as “socially awkward”. I really didn’t expect having this much problem interacting with him at home.
I found his words and behavior contradict his mind. He’d assure me that he’s really listening to me, but he’s looking elsewhere, and can barely repeat what I just said. If I say “honey I will cook this chicken tomorrow, tonight let’s finish that leftover beef” he’d hear it as “we’ll eat chicken tonight”. About 80% of the time he’d “mishear” what I said.
Another observation is he has this habit of rejecting my opinion even before he makes sure he fully understands it. If I say “guys are generally taller than girls” he’d go “No that’s not true! Sometimes girls are taller than guys!” If I try to explain what “generally” means, he’d bring up the corner cases again and again. I say yes but that’s not my point, yet he’d continue focusing on corner cases. It’s hard to get a conversation going sometimes. Another example: I tell him “this is the route we need to take”, “No, it’s not” “Are you sure? There is almost no other way” “Oh which route you talking about? Let me see”… Now imagine this happens almost every single time when we discuss something.
After the above occurrences happened many, many times, I started to tell him it’s ok if he can’t understand me, if he could just give me any sign that he’s trying, I’d feel much better. He then goes “me looking down to the floor and silently contemplating what you said in my mind isn’t a sign?” I literally froze upon hearing this. After I collected myself I responded “well nobody can read your mind, most people would interpret that as a sign of being absent-minded rather than active listening”. “Well I am not most people”… Many a times I feel I am desperately trying to communicate yet the communication isn’t going anywhere.
I also told him I don’t mind being told wrong, as long as it’s well grounded. He first misunderstood it as “I don’t like being told wrong, period”. Later he switched the focus to himself (“I myself don’t like being told wrong. It’s better if you say my approach is wrong rather than I am wrong”). I tell him to please stay on topic, and one topic at a time. He’d be like “what you mean? I am right on topic.”
So what is the nature of the problem here? Are some people just different at home vs. at work? Did he just become slower/more passive at communication for whatever reason? Apart from the frustration resulted from the inefficient communication we have no other problems.
tl;dr – Recently moved in with bf. Daily communication is inefficient and painful. Don’t know what/why.
8 comments
If he wasn’t like this before you moved in with him, this is a giant red flag.
It sounds like he doesn’t like the way you phrase things, and after a year it’s getting on his nerves, so he’s arguing back with you.
Some of the stuff you’ve said, I can see people making people pause, including myself. What was the context of saying men are generally taller?
It could be that you two have different communication styles.
However, you both were able to communicate fine before. Have you brought up this concern to him? Do you think he’s struggling mentally, or only in communication with you?
Sounds like he has avoidant attachment issues that are bubbling up now that he’s freaking out about the step of living together. Not making eye contact, not actively listening, not agreeing with you or listening to you on anything — those are all avoidant behaviors. And it can’t feel very nice that he’s avoiding you. This doesn’t sound at all pleasant and probably a deal breaker if it goes on much longer.
The first two sentences alone seem like a very typical situation. Moving in together comes with loads of communication and habit adjustments that take time to work through.
However, the specific communication problems seem to reflect that your partner has a hard time listening without assuming / jumping to conclusions. Maybe talk to him about slowing down your communication so that it’s easier to hear each other clearly. Our couples therapist always suggests slowing down as the first tool for conflicts caused by miscommunication. It’s hard to do, most of us aren’t used to slowing down and communicating thoughtfully.
The “generally” conversation about height is a stupid right vs wrong battle that many couples have had and you both should mature out of entering into that. Generalizations can never be 100% accurate and sometimes people have to just allow each other to make generalizations to make a point without nit-picking, if you are going to live together for decades. Or talk about it in a curious way rather than wanting to be right. I think my husband and I had a lot of such dumb debates that became conflicts during our first year of living together. You’ve both got to move past your need to be right about things that don’t really matter.
If it’s a sudden change in behavior I’d suggest he get checked out medically. Maybe he’s had a minor stroke or a brain tumor. IDK, that or he’s just being an argumentative dick. It could be anything.
I would find your constant critiques unbearable. I think you are asking too much. We all want peace in.our homes.
You moved in with him as a trial of what your day to day life would be like. Here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter WHY the problem, it matters WHAT the problem, and he clearly won’t or can’t change it. You ultimately need to decide if you’ve learned something about your partner that you DONT like, that’s part of why we date. It’s why you moved In together, to find out if this could work forever. Don’t be afraid to say it won’t.
So what sort of work is your BF doing to overcome these communication issues?