Boyfriend uses his sex drive on porn more than with me

12 comments

1. sounds like he has a porn addiction. you need to give him an ultimatum

2. That would be very frustrating. It would be one thing if he was using that for when he couldn’t be with you or you weren’t in the mood, but it’s definitely not good if he’s doing that instead of being with you.

   Have you tried just calmly asking him why he chooses to do that? (No complaints, no criticism, just trying to understand the motivation.) What does he find more appealing about it? And is there anything you can do to change that?

   Hopefully if he explains it and you can understand it the two of you can find a way to resolve it. If he won’t discuss it or you can’t resolve the issue after he explains it, that’s a problem. Maybe couples counseling would help with that? If this isn’t resolved, it could really put a strain on your relationship and lead to bad things happening, so hopefully you can work something out with him.

3. I once dated someone with this problem. He would jerk off to porn almost 4 or 5 times a day but when it comes to me he can’t even get hard at all so we just end up doing hand stuff. I dated him for almost 3 years and no sex at all because his porn addiction just didn’t allow it.

   Personally I think its okay to watch porn when you’re in a relationship. Both men and women have “needs” and sometimes your partner even imagines doing it with you while watching them. Though if this gets in the way of your sexual intimacy its time to actually think things over. If sex is important to you in the relationship and you don’t feel loved because of this its best to say this directly to your boyfriend. If he can’t do anything about it and refuses to save anything for you its best to rethink if you really do want to be with this guy.

   Hope this helps.

4. 1. I think the direct expectation that he save himself for you always, sounds really controlling, and while with the context of what you said here, my eyebrow can go back to normal position, by itself it doesn’t sound great.

   2. I think its important to note that often sex takes a whole lot more effort than wanking. You have to be clean, and thinking about someone else’s pleasure and prepare for cleanup, and foreplay and etc etc. My point is there are perfectly valid reasons someone might want a wanks sex sometimes that have nothing to do with addiction or not wanting their partner.

   3. I don’t think you are being reasonable with internalizing this as a value judgement of you.

   4. I think your observation about sexual interest going up with longer periods doesnt sound invalid.

   With all those observations what do I recommend here?

   1. Prepare for communication. Get your ducks in a row and make sure you don’t come across as wanting to be controlling or directly insulting to his sexuality. You want to hit a perfect sweet spot between formal and casual where he knows this is a real concern of yours, but it doesn’t feel like hes getting grilled, because if there’s a sure way of making imperfect sex relationship worse, its gotta be making it feel like you got dragged into the principles office.

   2. Realize that his habits are not at all necessarily a reflection of what he thinks about you.

   3. With those 2 things in mind, I think you should more or less tell him a lot of what you’ve said here today.

   What might you say? I think a great idea, as a casual aside is expressing interest in him muff diving more directly, “I love when you muffin dive my fruit slit”, “I have a meal for you that needs eating, and its not in the kitchen” Obviously dont use those bad and silly phrases, unless you have a silly relationship like that, but the point is reinforce that this is important to you, without making it like a chore.

   I think in a more dedicated conversation, mentioning that you like when he has built up sexual tension as a way to pass the idea that you’d like it if he were to save up his horniness sometimes. Some people dislike it, but maybe if you were to figure out times when he was least stressed, and tries to casually insert a schedule for those times, that would be a good move, like planning to do more exciting things at those points in time, where indicating you’d prefer he charges up could set a mental schedule.

   I also think especially when you work from home and its possible, its really tempting to just masturbate when you have down time/are feeling bored/stressed. I think finding a nice alternative to fit into that spot might significantly help you out in a weird indirect way. Some people play games, some smoke, some exercise. I think you suggesting something else to fill that gap might be worth it.

   What can you do? I think another way to make more sex happen is making sex lazier sex, if you are ok with that. When I say lazier, I don’t mean he pumps you 3 times like a fleshlight and rolls over, I mean less formality to it. It sounds like you don’t need/want extra long non contact romancing, and that I think could help. Initiating in a more lazy fashion might be helpful in this front. For instance, perhaps you could try cuddling intimately after watching something, and then casually and very inconspicuously placing your crotch onto his forehead. The point is about making there be less of a process so that the switch between “meh fuck it, I don’t want all that rigamarole” and “I could do a sex” is smaller.

   Ultimately, I think trying to get him to give up porn when that isn’t really the source of your contention will likely end up in you tunnel visioning one thing and bringing up sourness.

   Now if what I said doesn’t work, maybe you really do have a problem that can’t be resolved and more forwardness or even separation could be appropriate, but given what was said here, I actually don’t think this is a situation where you are at the stage of nuking the relationship yet.

   A lot of people here want to immediately jump to that because people come here mad about their relationships and want to live out what they wish they’d do vicariously, but I think what I’ve suggested is far more balanced.

5. Porn addiction is a legit thing.

   It’s almost like an impulse, bored? Masturbate depressed? Masturbate etc etc.

   You could try broaching the subject with him, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets defensive.

   At the end of the day you have to make sure you’re happy, a partner is supposed to help with that and sex is a massive part of it for a lot of people.

6. r/loveafterporn

   these are people in your boat and they are a very supportive community to talk about being the partner of a porn addict.

7. I have honestly been very upset every time we have talked about it. I used to think he had erectile dysfunction until I realized he was just jerking off everyday while I was at work before he saw me and then he just wouldn’t be as hard or be able to last longer and sometimes not in the mood at all! He went on a 4 day trip twice and it was a guy’s trip so he obviously wasn’t able to watch porn since they were sharing an airbnb with shared rooms. When he came home he was ready to jump on me and he had such a desire for me that he usually doesn’t have and he was hard like I’ve never seen before and he even lasted longer than he usually does and he actually made me cum vaginally for the first time. After that I noticed it was never the same until he went away on a trip again. I brought up this change I noticed and he did get defensive. I also brought up him not going down on me as much I do to him. When I’m on my period I go make sure I get him off if we cant have sex. I go out of my way to switch things up to keep things interesting, its what I like as well. Ive tried offering solutions and I wanted to brain storm a good middle ground but he always shuts down and gets upset and then doesn’t want to talk about it because he says he thinks we have a great and solid sex life and doesn’t understand why I’m complaining because is completely happy and satisfied. I feel I could have definitely approached the situation a lot better than how I did but I just felt so hurt because it doesn’t make sense to me and he’s not really willing to talk about it, instead gets upset and shuts down. So then I get angry and defensive. I feel like its worth approaching from a more gentle manner like you are suggesting and depending on his responses I will have a better understanding of how big of a problem this could become.

8. The only option left is an ultimatum. Break up, or he agrees to let you get your needs met elsewhere. Probably wouldn’t be an issue finding someone else to fill in.

9. This is why porn is a dealbreaker

10. Sounds like addiction off the bat.
    He’s got a living breathing caring woman that wants to sleep with him, and he’d rather spunk in his hand?

    Have a look at “Fight The New Drug”.
    Porn addiction is a thing, and more men struggle with it than I’d care to imagine.

    This isn’t a “You vs him” issue, this is a “You & Him vs the Issue”.
    You’ve got an area in your relationship where you’re feeling less than – failure to fix issues of this nature, tend to lead to the demise of a relationship.

11. You cannot hate your boyfriend for watching porn 95% of men watch it. It has nothing to do with him being in a relationship with you, even if you guys have sex everyday maybe he still likes to watch porn and get off, people do that. Well did you ask him if he prefers his porn over you. Ah there it is he doesn’t go down on you, that’s a big problem that is one of the main things as a guy myself that I will do to please my woman first and foremost don’t ever say you’re not good enough because you are. And I’m curious to know how long you guys have been together?

12. Addiction is definitely one strong possibility. I’ve struggled with the porn issue causing my partner to feel insecure as well. It’s hard to explain sometimes but I honestly don’t find myself attractive and it can be easier to engage solo vs going through the mental stress of knowing someone else is looking at me. I don’t know if this is really strange or unique. It was a thing that started pretty early on for me but has just gotten worse over the years causing a lot of sexual dysfunction. I really enjoy sex and my gf is really attractive. I don’t know if this is something your boyfriend might be experiencing as well. Just a lack of overall sexual energy or confidence.