My partner has an avoidant attachment and is fiercely independent. They are adamant that they do not need support or need to rely on anyone, including myself. They recently told me they are unsure of where we are headed (can’t see us long term) because they have alot of things on their plate, general life transitions and new job etc. I am almost 100% sure they are self sabotaging the relationship because they feel it is getting quite serious and they dont want the potential to get hurt. Our relationship is healthy, we are openly discussing and communicating these feelings, but has recently lost its spark because of scheduling and their slowing effort due to said feelings on their end.
Anyone have any tips/experience with their partner and how they can navigate this situation? Things I can bring up to say to make him realise its ok to trust me? Conversations to have to really know whether we are compatible and our values align?
4 comments
I’d recommend watching Thais Gibson’s videos on YouTube about it. Ultimately an avoidant (I myself am one) with trust issues has less to do with trusting you and more to do with their deep seated fear of vulnerability. Until they grapple with that within themselves, they won’t be able to fully trust you.
Your attachment style also affects how your interactions with them should go. But ultimately, letting them have their space but being consistent, honoring your own boundaries first and foremost, and letting them slowly open up on their own timeline is what you need to do.
Edit: I’ll also add, for the compatibility bit—they have to be dedicated to improving their attachment style and core wounds for you two to be long term compatible. That’s the first step here
I’m not sure there is much that you can say. You have to let them do things in their own time. He has to decide to let his guard down. In the mean time don’t give up on him. Be honest and show that he can trust you to let him move at his own pace. Listen to him when he talks and show that you care and understand. Do NOT offer solutions to the problems he shares with you, unless he directly asks for them. If he is willing to vent to you that is a good sign that he trusts you. But, venting is just processing for him. He would likely much rather hear words of encouragement and confidence in his ability to find the right solution. Extremely avoidant people can be very difficult partners (speaking from experience). If he is not willing to open up to you and let you in, you maybe better off finding someone that you can connect with and be a part of their lives, rather than always being at arms length. I wish the best of luck and much love.
Time.
One of the benefits of avoidant-type people is it doesn’t matter what humiliating thing you’re going through, doesn’t matter if you’re on top of the world proud and gaining clout one month then its snatched the next, he is determined to define others over a span of years or keeps you close-yet-at-arm’s-length due to a quality relatively unappreciated by others. (actually the second seems more accurate). while others are going through a breakup one year and engaged/married in 2-3 more, an avoidant may have just promoted his date to gf in that span.
Are they working on their attachment style and speaking with a therapist? I’m very much like your partner, it’s a painful self destructive attachment style. I have to work on it in therapy.
I am far too independent where I’m stubborn about it, I can literally get myself into the deepest shit and can get myself out in the end of it all. No one knows what I go through.
It’s best to work on this with a therapist and just go with the flow/takes time. Realizing you self sabotage and realizing it’s okay to ask for help, it’s difficult but worth working towards.
Strongly recommend they seek therapy if they haven’t done so already.