For folks who want to be someone’s husband or wife, would you be open to getting married without the govt license? Hear me out..this is what I’ve been contemplating…
I’ve never been married, so call me naive but I didn’t know there was a difference until recently. After talking about some divorces that were happening with couples we knew, my parents brought up the distinction. My grandparents who are from the old country were married but only spiritually because there was no marriage license or legal agreement from their govt at the time. It was just an agreement between the couple and the in-laws and so everyone recognized they were married.
This got me thinking. What is the point of a legal marriage? Having a spiritual marriage seems like the real goal for couples. I don’t want someone’s medical benefits or pension. If we want to live together on purchased property, joint ownership doesn’t require marriage and we can even do a joint-tenancy deal that would protect and benefit both of us should one of us die or we break up.
A couple can achieve all the “life milestones” desired with a spiritual marriage. But aren’t beholden to the legal financial obligations that may hurt them if they were to get a divorce. With all the complications of alimony, splitting assets, etc. that come with a divorce from legal marriage, wouldn’t it be better to just avoid all that? Interested in your thoughts…
Note: this perspective is likely country-specific, so I need to note that I’m in the U.S. My grandparents are from a foreign country that was not westernized when they wed.
9 comments
Some advantages of legal marriage:
* Taxes (in some cases)
* Benefits (e.g. social security/veteran survivor, medical)
* Inheritance
* Parental rights
* Assumed legal decision making power (in some cases)
* Visitation rights (hospital, prison)
* Immigration
* Family discounts
Why dismiss medical benefits and pension? Those seem pretty useful (from a US perspective). Even if you both have good insurance today, who knows what might happen tomorrow? And a prenup seems like it solves a bunch of your concerns about divorce.
If you see things like “I don’t have to pay alimony” as a positive, your partner might not agree.
Whatever works for you and your partner. Legality gives a sense of legitimacy to many, and is required for division of assets, inheritance etc.
I’d prefer the legal option because of where I am, but also because when I marry someone I’m not thinking “what if there’s a divorce tomorrow”.
The whole point of marriage for me is that it was legal. A spiritual marriage would be completely meaningless to me as I have no spiritual belief.
Honestly the route id love to go.
You should probably check with a layer, but my belief is that in many parts of the US many of your perceived disadvantages will apply even after just living together for a while, and certainly after signing paperwork together, owning common property, or having a spiritual marriage – have a look at the concept of common law marriage.
So I would certainly involve a lawyer…
well if you are an exclusive couple and live together you enter what is legally known as a common law marriage.
In my culture, spiritual marriage is well accepted. However, I rarely heard of my friend open to spiritual marriage over legal ones. I personally wouldn’t do that.
There are advantages and disadvantages to a legal marriage. It helps for things like hospital visits, insurance, and inheritance, and can also have a negative impact on taxes and lead to a costly divorce. If you live like you’re married (and don’t fall into a common law marriage based on your state) you’d still have to deal with property division if you break up. Presumably you’d be living together and have to figure out division of property. And with a marriage that can all be decided in a prenup or in a divorce settlement so that’s not really a big difference anyway.
Personally I’d be fine with it. I know people who have done it for various reasons. But if someone asked early on if I’d be ok with it one day, that’d be a pink flag. It could sound like you want all the benefits of marriage and none of the liability.
Do you want to visit your partner in the hospital when they’re sick or injured? Make decisions for them if they’re unconscious? Be presumed to be the other parent of their children without going through adoption? Be protected from being forced to testify against them in any court proceeding? Get lower rates on insurance (medical, car, life, everything)? Have any input whatsoever on funeral, burial, cremation, organ donation, or other end of life decisions and arrangements? Then you’re going to want that piece of paper.
Furthermore, to your comments about divorce, as complicated as divorces are, they’re the EASY way. The law is structured around how to process termination of a legal marriage. There is an extensive framework of steps, documentation, and considerations established for that. If, however, you need to dissolve a relationship with entwined finances, responsibilities, property, children, etc. outside of the legal framework of marriage and divorce, the courts are essentially going to say “well tough shit, sounds like a you problem” and it will be FAR messier to accomplish the same things having to construct it all from scratch.