Stuff like this has probably been asked before but here goes.
I’m 25f, pretty docile type of girl. I am what people seem to consider a pretty girl, so i always got male attention, but it seems like i am unable to deal with it. I’ve only been in one relationship in my life and it was pretty long, most of my teenage years and early twenties went down the drain and i have zero experience with men who i am not in a relationship with.
I am always kind to strangers which includes guys who approach me. I find that most of them are insanely persistent. The most recent example was a guy who approach me at the bar, he told me I’m beautiful and so on, i smiled at him and said thank you which he took as permission to put his hands on me. (It probably looked like i was giving permission so I don’t blame him) He asked if he could kiss me and i politely said no and he seemed to be in disbelief “are you for real?”
Is this because i smile too much? I have a perpetual smiley face. My father told me to stop smiling at strangers, but it just comes with my social anxiety.
Still got kissed on the cheek and head against my will before he left. He came back later and kept trying to persuade me, he got annoyed when i didn’t let him pay for my drinks (i thought it would be wrong since i had to intention of giving him anything in return) and then grabbed me and turned me towards him but not hard enough as to not allow me to escape, so I don’t think he was a bad guy, i just think I’m sending mixed signals.
How do i politely turn down a guy? I am familiar with rejection and i became afraid of rejecting others. This might seem like a no brainer to others, but i literally get stomach aches whenever i have to reject people.
Tldr: I can’t reject men for the life of me, it gives me anxiety and they always seem to think I’m kidding, how do i do it firmly without hurting anyone?
22 comments
He doesn’t seem to respect your boundaries. The proper way to reject someone is just say no, if that’s a problem for them then they are 100% the issue
“I am always kind to strangers which includes guys who approach me” That’ll do it. 90% of us are starved for affection. Any amount of kindness has a potential for being seen as an advance.
“How do i politely turn down a guy? ” You don’t. Don’t beat around the bush and firmly say not interested. You can’t entertain them at all as unfortunately some guys are creeps. Anything that isn’t a firm “no, I’m not interested” Is a challenge to them. All you can really do to get them to back off be strong. Don’t be afraid to get help from the bartender or another patron if they’re too persistent.
There’s nothing you can do except learn to put your foot down. Sometimes you can’t be polite.
Easier said than done but just be honest with him.
Let him know you appreciate his time but you felt he was a bit pushy, it made you feel uncomfortable and you’d rather not see him again. It might seem harder but ripping the band-aid off is better in the long run.
Tell him via text if it makes it easier and then once you’ve said your piece block him. He’ll be annoyed most likely but because you were short, sweet and honest he’ll get over it pretty quickly and move on. Hopefully he’s less pushy with the next girl he sees.
>Still got kissed on the cheek and head against my will before he left
yeah, i would have called the cops. that’s literally sexual assault. i understand if you were shocked though. believe me….i understand.
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>then grabbed me and turned me towards him but not hard enough as to not allow me to escape, so I don’t think he was a bad guy
uh….
this is LITERALLY battery. not a bad guy? cmon. this is VERY bad, awful, horrible behavior.
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>how do i do it firmly without hurting anyone
you don’t. you’re putting yourself more at risk by being too nice than by being a twat. predators hate when people fight back. it’s no fun if they kick and scream.
i’m not saying you’re to blame here, not at all. you were victimized.
please consider seeing a counselor who can help you learn strategies for becoming more assertive. it can literally be life-saving.
we all hope, work, and wish for a better, safer world out there. but while that’s in the works, please take steps to protect yourself, because shit can go bad SO FAST.
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as someone who was SA’d myself as a child, i know this better than i’d like to.
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PS – if anyone messages you about this issue here on reddit and “wants to help” or anything, be VERY VERY careful.
there are predators everywhere, and telling strangers that you have trouble saying no is like dumping a bucket of blood into a shark tank.
be cautious, my friend.
“I said thanks I didn’t tell you to fucking touch me”. That’s weird what happened but in a normal setting just say “I don’t see me and you being a thing, sorry”.
“I admire your bold style and self confidence. I’m not interested, but I’m sure you’ll find someone who is.”
If he persists, say “Persistence often works with many women, but please respect the fact that I’m not open to any sort of relationship with you. I just want to be left in peace today.”
If that doesn’t work, tell the bartender or a waitress that you need to be left alone.
>Tldr: I can’t reject men for the life of me, it gives me anxiety and they always seem to think I’m kidding, how do i do it firmly without hurting anyone?
Just be honest simple and to the point. Its not your problem if someone gets hurt by it.
>he told me I’m beautiful and so on, i smiled at him and said thank you which he took as permission to put his hands on me. (It probably looked like i was giving permission so I don’t blame him) He asked if he could kiss me and i politely said no and he seemed to be in disbelief “are you for real?”
Was he drunk? Sounds like a twat
There will always be obnoxious creepy guys who won’t take no for a answer so once it gets passed the first no then feel free to be a bitch. Otherwise one of the best ways to not hurt feelings well getting any decent guy to leave you alone is to lie and say you have a boyfriend otherwise simply say “no” – if they ask for your number “no, I’m sorry.” If they you ask you to dance “no, but thank you”. The key is actually saying “no”, many men will pursue because if you don’t make it clear then they think they still have a shot. From reading what you posted it sounds to me like you’re simply not clear enough about not being interested, however, also refer to my opening sentence.
Wow it is not that difficult
Out of that entire bar scenario, clearly he doesn’t respect boundaries or take visual hints but did you say “No I am not interested, please try someone else” in the tone as if you’re a doctor delivering news of a loved one who died during surgery?
Because that’s the only way he would’ve registered it sadly
Also I agree with your father but if you can’t stop smiling due to anxiety, why not wear a face mask since that’s still relatively normal these days?
Smile all you need to but literally hide it
That is why women incorporate the Resting Bitch Face
Tell them you’re a lesbian.
Act like they don’t exist. Look past them and not in their eyes when you tell them.
Indifference is the tone you need.
Indifference will deflate their confidence.
Be a little bitchy about it too and not so approachable, remember thy are the asshole in the situation not you.
How can you say you are 25 and pretty, (maybe you’re not that pretty, jk)but not know how to reject creeps.
I really don’t mind some girls being firm and maybe “bitchy” as some would put it about rejecting me because well that has to be done.
For starters, that guy who forcefully kissed you is a bad person. Based on what you described, you didn’t send mixed signals at all. You seem polite and respectful, so smiling at strangers who talked abd complimented you is normal, but the recipient must make the distinction to not treat this as invitation.
I always go by the following: “If you have the courage to ask a person for something, then you must have the courage to be rejected.” You are too soft because you don’t want to “hurt” the other person, but you are letting them invade you space. You need to plant your feet like a tree and set your boundaries. You need not to be afraid to reject these people. Forceful kiss is sexual assault, don’t be afraid to kick their nuts!
Just be honest and direct
Say it like you mean it.
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I’m dead serious. You can be polite, but FIRM.
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I’d suggest you read “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud. [https://smile.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control-ebook/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1663734043&sr=8-1](https://smile.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control-ebook/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1663734043&sr=8-1)
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I recommend this book A LOT. Because 1, it personally changed my life. And 2, many problems people experience in life are actually a boundaries issue when you remove the fluff.
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The way you talk about your problem shows you have an issue with your boundaries. You could go to expensive years long therapy to figure out where in your childhood it came from. Or…………………… you could read that book and get a handle on it yourself.
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One of the biggest problems women have, especially pretty ones since men will ALWAYS hit on pretty women persistently so, is that they are afraid to draw a line because the guy might not like it. Women don’t do confrontation as well as men do. (I’m not saying men don’t have this same boundary issue, many do. Only that men generally handle confrontation better than women do, because men are much more likely to not care what the other person thinks)
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Once you read the book, you’ll understand why such a drawing of the line (a boundary) isn’t to blame if somebody else gets pissed about it or tries to ignore it. That’s a “them” problem, not a “you” problem. And it will help you feel more confident about doing YOUR business, and leaving their feelings as THEIR business. Less guilt because you know your responsibilities, and their responsibilities.
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GL
Serious reply: it seems to me that you need to work on your self esteem a little bit because it takes confidence to set boundaries with people, and that is essentially what you are doing when you “reject” someone. But the thing about boundaries is that they not only MUST be set, they MUST be reinforced and maintained….the man you’ve described in your post sounds like a predator to me and, unfortunately, there are no “polite” ways to set boundaries with people like this, they MUST be told off, and that MUST be reinforced with your behaviour. Not only did he kiss you against your will, he did that AFTER you told him no, which is to say AFTER you set a boundary. In order to reinforce this boundary you could have moved away from his advances and perhaps told a staff member or manager what was going on, you shouldn’t have to put up with that bullshit.
Not only did this person totally disrespect you, but in your post you seem to justify this behaviour by saying things like: #1″The most recent example was a guy who approach me at the bar, he told me I’m beautiful and so on, i smiled at him and said thank you which he took as permission to put his hands on me. (It probably looked like i was giving permission so I don’t blame him)”
and
#2 “He came back later and kept trying to persuade me, he got annoyed when i didn’t let him pay for my drinks (i thought it would be wrong since i had to intention of giving him anything in return) and then grabbed me and turned me towards him but not hard enough as to not allow me to escape, so I don’t think he was a bad guy, i just think I’m sending mixed signals.”
It seems to me that you are not only blaming yourself for his behaviour in example #1, but you are giving him FAR too much benefit of the doubt in example #2. The bottom line is this: **THIS MAN DOES NOT RESPECT YOU, AND THIS IS THE NUMBER 1 THING YOU OUGHT TO BE LOOKING FOR IN THE COMPANY YOU KEEP BE THEM A FRIEND, FAMILY MEMBER, OR LOVER.**
But I digress, your main question here is how to reject someone politely. I would say first of all to reframe rejection as “respectfully declining”, they’re not quite the same thing. Rejection stings; it’s curt, cold, cruel and seemingly personal, whereas respectfully declining leaves a little plausible deniability, the individual making their move might be a good fit for you, but it’s just not good timing (getting out of a relationship as long as yours makes this a totally valid reason to not want to rush into another for example). However, rejection has its place, and this can be thought of as a protection mechanism against creeps like the one you mentioned. In such an instance you want to have a dismissive, uninterested, skeptical, and stoic one, much like the one a detective has when interrogating a suspect. And shorten the interaction as much as possible. Consider the following dialogue:
Douchebag: “WOW! You’re so pretty, I wanna kiss you, can I kiss you?”
You: “Thank you, have a nice day” *walk away*
Douchebag: *Grabs your arm*
You: “Fuck off” *pull your arm/hand/body away from him, because it’s, you know, your own fucking body*
I know it might be difficult to adjust your behaviour in accordance to setting and maintaining boundaries, but it gets easier with practice, and **it is essential for your safety and quality of life.**…..Think about that the next time you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, really hope that helps, thanks for joining my TED talk.
Here’s the rules everyone should follow:
Yes means yes.
No means no.
Maybe the first time means no, but asking again later is permitted.
Maybe a second time means no.
Yes means yes.
“No” is a complete sentence. The reason is not owed or required.
I recommend you practice saying no so it becomes easier.
Its ok to smile and thank for a compliment, but when he starts getting touchy you need to be firm.
Level 1 – not interested/have a boyfriend
If he still keeps trying then time for level 2 – stay (the fuck) away from me
In the setting you described the best way I think is for you to find a way for him to reject you. Do something utterly disgusting that would make him walk away. Pick your nose, cough on your hand and then touch him, start talking politics. Also, wear a ring anytime you don’t want to be approached. Most guys won’t take politeness genuinely as we’ve been trained that girls just play hard to get.