I made a post earlier today talking about how my mom walked in on me pegging my boyfriend this morning. The situation has updated and I could still use some advice.
So my mom came home and I put my pride aside and asked if I could talk to her. We sat down and had a conversation about privacy and knocking, and she told me she respected me and my boyfriend and our privacy and was very sorry for intruding on our “private time” and she promised she’d knock in the future and she even offered to buy us a lock. For real. It was a really lovely conversation and I told her I love her and forgave her and she gave me a big hug. Then she chuckled and told me she was actually very happy for us that we were “taking care of each other and keeping each other happy” since that’s an important part of every relationship…thanks mom.
While that went well…my boyfriend is still extremely mortified and embarrassed. He’s been on and off crying all day because she saw him like that and he said I’m the only person in the entire world who knows he likes having things inserted into him and he “wasn’t ready for anyone else to know.” He hasn’t left our room the entire day and I’ve had to bring food up to him because he is WAY too ashamed to show his face around her.
I don’t know what I can do to help and I don’t know if there’s anything I can do, but I’m worried about him.
If anyone has any advice, I would greatly appreciate it.
EDIT: some things very very important I probably should’ve disclosed:
1. My boyfriend is on the autism spectrum so when he’s in stressful situations sometimes he has trouble functioning in a composed manner.
2. My boyfriend grew up in an extremely religious and abusive household where anything related to sex was forbidden and it pushed a lot of sexual shame onto him.
3. My boyfriend was sexually abused as a child. I think that speaks for itself.
39 comments
So clearly he’s not in a place to laugh about this yet, but apparently these existed at some point. Shame I can’t find one now:
https://www.picclickimg.com/images/g/ZC0AAOSwOVpXay0B/s-l1600.jpg
Seriously though. If her opinion of him matters this much then I think you need to talk to her about what’s going on with him. Even a hug with no words would probably do him some good.
Positive reaction from mom, hopefully she’ll knock before entering moving forward!
If I were in your shoes, I would have a straight forward conversation about this with your mom. I wouldn’t side step or hint towards the pegging, but just come out and say it like an adult – *Mom, what we were doing when you walked in on us has BF feeling very embarrassed. Could you please talk to him 1 on 1 and let him know that it was your fault for not knocking and you dont want him to feel ashamed or feel that you think any different about him.*
**EDIT: I didnt know that the boyfriend is autistic, therefore my advice is likely shit.
My suggestion is solid, if the autism wasnt a factor. Sex between consenting adults should not be something to be embarrassed about. **
Speaking as a parent, I really wouldn’t want to run into a situation like this. That said, if I walked in on my adult child and their partner getting railed with wild abandon, i would feel happy for them and glad they can find joy with each other! (Well, and I’d be kicking myself for being careless, and off buying locks for doors as well…) People have been enjoying butt stuff since… well, since butts were invented, and guys having their ass played with by a woman is *really* nothing new. We just have better toys and better words for it now! I hope your BF can get over his embarrassment; perhaps the realization that he’s not all that unusual will help.
**Achievement unlocked: extremely awkward sexual situation**
Give him some time to feel what he’s feeling. After that, get out of the house together, go somewhere else, and just talk.
Then, I’d suggest a repeat of the convo you had with your mom, but with all three of you. And get that lock installed ASAFP 🙂
Full warning. Your boyfriend will probably have a small trauma reaction to this and will not want to do it again any time soon. Especially under your mom’s roof. Have patience with him and don’t push him.
Glad your mom is cool with things. Maybe she could write a note and have you take it with a drink, snack, etc. Is there something she makes that he really digs?
Hard to say what should be on that note.
Good luck navigtating this.
1. Your mom is great
2. There is a lot of societal shame towards men and ass-play. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is. Please do everything you can to be understanding with your boyfriend while he comes to terms with this “shameful” violation of his privacy.
Seems like your mom is supportive with it, so thats a plus. Hopefully your bf can relax a bit. Being pegged doesn’t make him less of a human being.
Cuddle with him and tell him what your mother told you. Being on the spectrum myself I can tell you that this kind of things can mortify us for months. Make a safe space and if he doesn’t want to bring it up just don’t.
I thought your first post was extremely funny and i appreciate you sharing that and now it became sweet and at the end very sad. I’m like your boyfriend too. My background is pretty much similar. I know what i like but i have a hard time not feeling guilty about it. I would think finding someone who likes pegging like him and get them to talk to each other might help but if this sounds like a bad idea, then a therapist might help. Also he needs to talk to your mom about it sooner or later to feel better
Coming from a person with Autism, I can fully understand why he feels that way. It may be partly embarrassment and partly a traumatic trigger with him right now, but hopefully you can help him calm down and remember that your mom is not like his parents. He won’t be punished for him seeking out pleasure with you, Op. Your mom doesn’t think less of him. Give him time though, don’t force him to confront your mom. I think you guys will need to find your own house soon. But also sex is just sex, but its a LONG mental journey to get to that mindset. And lots of guys enjoy pegging, it doesn’t make them “less” of anything. Also advice for “wasn’t ready for anyone else to know” part of his worry, hun, no one is entitled to know what you’re love life is like. The shame will pass and you will be okay, maybe not at this moment, but you will be okay OP’s boyfriend 💛
Just a word of caution. If he uses reddit and you don’t want him to know about your posts about him. I’d delete this because he is going to obviously know this is him. You’ve posted a few personal things about him and I just wanted to warn you of that possibility.
Damn, I feel really bad for him honestly. As a Black gay guy I know fully well how complicated this stuff is, and have had partners dealing with all sorts of pressures / shame / etc. around sexuality. The expectations that masculinity has to look a certain way and needs to be performed a certain way is a whole extra level of trauma that we’re honestly just barely starting to unpack as a culture. Bottoming or getting pegged is hella vulnerable for a lot of people.
Full support in sorting through all this fam.
Maybe have your mum write him a letter or record a voice memo explaining that her opinion of him hasn’t changed and that she in no way judging him for what he enjoys , I think your boyfriend needs reassurance from the source of the upset (obviously it was an accident but still) , he needs to see that her views are in no way the same as his family’s views and that he is welcome and encouraged to be himself without the worry of judgement or shame . She needs to explain that she is the one who did something wrong (by walking in without knocking) and that it’s up to him to forgive HER or not , shame like this often makes a person feel that they are responsible for another persons wrong simply because that person can sometimes have the audacity for judging someone for something they weren’t supposed to see in the first place .
It will take time for him to move away from this experience and to move on from it so don’t push him or keep reminding him of it , I think when he’s ready hearing from your mum that reassurance and apology will help . He needs compassion right now .
Honestly sounds like things worked out pretty well. Your Mom seems pretty reasonable from the sound of it. Bf might need some time to get over, and that’s understandable. You just need to patient with him and give him some time most likely.
And hey, all things considered, it could be worse! At least you’re not the Cbat couple, haha
As a guy who was sexually abused as a child as well, I can’t tell you how bad I feel for your boyfriend. I saw someone suggested having your mom speak to him which I also think is a great idea. Maybe also before that happens, since your boyfriend has had such a traumatic past; maybe your mom could write a brief letter just assuring him that there is no judgment and that she does not think any less of him. I don’t know what your boyfriend is feeling but I would be feeling ashamed as fuck thinking your mom is now thinking less of me. Just food for thought and I’m really sorry you both are going through this.
I’m Autistic and anything like that happens it’s hard. My partner’s mum saw me butt naked and I couldn’t face seeing her. About an hour or so later she said it’s fine, fully natural and we all have bodies. I was embarrassed for a while but it gets better. Might be worth your mom talking to him in some way. The embarrassment won’t suddenly go but it’s the first step. It’s hard as he’s had a lot of bad situations and in the frame of it being a “sin” but slowly I hope he can heal a bit from it. Not easy though. I promise as well he isn’t the first and won’t be the last to enjoy different types of sex
I think it would be a good idea to reassure him that your mom’s regard for him hasn’t changed, and then just give him time
Just came here to say that you sound like an awesome girlfriend to your man, and I really hope he is okay. He is a very lucky guy to have someone who enjoys pegging him. This may be a time heals kind of situation. Talking with him, reassuring him is a good start to getting back to normal. Hopefully tomorrow he wakes up and feels a little better about things.
Keep on pegging. I know it’s not my wife’s favorite thing, but she’s been doing it for me for just over 10 years. She likes making me feel good. Keep making him feel good because it really bridges a close connection with the two of you, as well as a deep part of his sexual identity. It’s sucks your mom found out about it by walking in on it, but it’s still a deep connection between the two of you.
Aww just comfort him and validate his feelings and give him time. Maybe tell him what your mom said. There’s prob not much else you can do. It should pass even if it takes longer
You know your BF better than anyone online. Sit with him and ask him what he wants to do, how he wants to proceed. But, just some thoughts: Strong reassurances and love will see him through this, in time, I think. A few quiet reminders to the family to never mention it, will help go a long way, until he feels comfortable to resume.
I also think your mom explaining there’s no shame or guilt or anything to be mortified about ot happens it’s something that to consenting in love people do and have her let him know she doesn’t feel any type of embarrassment he shouldn’t either.
As a dude (but neuro-typical-ish and never abused) I’d just hope mom treats me the same as always for a while – whatever that looks like. I’d be extra sensitive about being perceived as less manly, despite knowing that’s kind of heteronormative and old fashioned homophobic. So the first time mom asked me to open a spaghetti sauce jar, squash a bug or take out the trash, it would be a big relief.
That said, unless mom walked in to a private space (OP’s bedroom) she has nothing to apologize for – shared spaces in shared quarters don’t get a knock by default.
Love how supportive your mom was.
Based on what you said about him being ND/Autistic, I don’t think a face to face convo between him and your mom would be helpful. It might make it worse, actually. Because of that, I recommend a text or a note from your mom that’s addressed to him. It should reassure him that he’s safe/not judged and that she’s very apologetic. Even with a note, he will likely be upset for a while ☹️
You should tell your mom how mortified and ashamed he is that she saw you two being intimate. I don’t think you even have to mention the pegging part.
If your boyfriend’s fears about his relationship between him and your mom are that she won’t see him the same way and it was shameful (especially the act itself), I would possibly ask your mom to write him a note along the lines of:
“I’m very sorry I intruded in on your time with [ OP’s name ]. It must have felt really violating for me to invade your privacy, and I sincerely apologize. You have a safe place in my house, and I’m very sorry for making it unsafe/feel unsafe the other day. From now on, your door will have a lock and I will always knock first.
I love/care about you very much. Nothing has changed about the way I see you as a person.”
I dunno if it would be too mortifying to add anything beyond that, but she could also mention something like “intimacy between partners is normal and healthy.”
I’m so sorry 🥲 I would be distraught if this happened to me too.
Being autistic and having his background it will be difficult to know if and when he will be able to put this traumatic experience behind him. If he has a social worker or someone who checks in on him once in a while it would be a good idea to talk to them about it. If not them the best thing to do is to be open to talking but not push him too hard to “get it out.” When you are on the spectrum this can be much more difficult than it would be for you or me. Be supportive, read up as much as you can about how to handle trauma with an autistic person and maybe this might require a professional to help you sort it out. I would say talk to his family who knows him best, a parent or a sibling, but given his background this may not be wise.
Talk it easy with him. Based on the post history, you’ve had a CRAZY week.
OP, you’re a fucking Rockstar! I just wanted to start with that from reading your other posts. It seems like it will required a lighter touch, I feel like the best course of action may be for her to come talk to him. You and mom have a pre conversation, pending that goes well, you would let him know everything is ok, and that it will continue to be ok…(my daughter is downe syndrome..this is how i coach her along). Maybe have her knock on the door and he answers for her to come in..as its his comfort and everything…idk, you’d know better…once you get that far I would think you holding his hand through the convo should make him strong enough to get through it and keep some pride and lose the shame…hope that helped at all.
So glad mom was cool. Hopefully your boyfriend will be okay with it and he’ll see that everyone moved on. I’d assume he’d prefer that no one ever talk about it, like he wouldn’t appreciate your mom telling him that she’s not judging or anything, you do you, glad you’re happy stuff, but maybe ask him how he’d want it handled.
I’m just wondering if it will be awkward “elephant in the room” feelings for awhile.
Hopefully this can get worked out.
💯 get a lock or your boyfriend might never have sex again. 😳😬
Your boyfriend will get over it eventually. Its a shock but being in a positive household will speak for itself in time. Glad your mom was so chill about it cuz most parents arent
Read the earlier post and then read this one. Can you please tell your mom that a stranger on the internet just wanted her to know that, as much as a person can love someone they’ve never met or even exchanged words with, that I love her! She sounds like an incredible human. As a person that came from a family that never talked about feelings, with parents that were given very minimal tools for interacting with other humans… my therapist (finally started therapy last year at 44 years old) said I grew up “emotionally autonomous”… it’s left me with a lot to work on.
I don’t want to ramble too much, but your description of your mom, wow, she’s an inspiration! I can only hope that someday my daughters will have anything remotely as wonderful to say about me. And you seem to be handling this very well! So good job everybody. I really hope your bf is able to feel safe and is able to see that your mom is not going to judge him. Hugs to all of you!!!
I think even if your boyfriend were not autistic, feeling very embarrassed in this situation would be a pretty standard reaction. For now, the best course of action is probably to just let him stay in the room if he wants to and bring him whatever he needs to be as comfortable as possible. Maybe see if he’d like to watch a calm/funny movie or something to take his mind off reality for a bit, if that’s something that works for him. Explicitly reassure him that you love him and your mom loves him too, so you both want to let him deal with this however will be least distressing for him.
Maybe after a little while to let things settle, you could ask if he knows whether he’d prefer to just never speak of it again and pretend it never happened, or if he feels like it would help to hear directly from your mom that she’s sorry for walking in. He might want some time to think about it and process on his own before deciding. If he does want to hear from your mom, a note from her might be easier than a face-to-face conversation, but that could be up to him. I think it would be best that she not mention specific activities, and just say that she’s very sorry to have walked in on you two. She can tell him that she understands why that situation would be very upsetting, and that it’s natural to feel embarrassed, but that she adores him and hopes he will be able to feel comfortable around her again with time because their relationship is important to her. And then if there’s anything he thinks would help, he can tell her or you. Time will probably help more than anything else.
I dont know how to look after your boyfriend. But damn, your mum is awesome.
As a mom with a son about his age I will say I would be happy he knows himself so well and that this speaks highly of your relationship that he can voice his needs. Second, we get our dirty side from someone so I bet it’s your mom. 😉 give him time to process. It will blow over soon.
This may seem like a radical or far-fetched approach but anyway: Apparently your mom is a loving and compassionate woman. Your mom may be able to comfort him simply by directly or indirectly addressing his worst fears about being excluded, ridiculed or what ever the core of his fear is. The theme of you mom’s talk should be unconditional acceptance of consensual sexual behavior and a recognition of the value of a loving couple bring able to satisfy each others needs. Your mom would represent “people” and show your boyfriend that”people” are diverse and not necessarily judgmental. Let him know that his fears are completely understandable and probably are rooted in traumatic experiences. He may want to disclose some of them to her. The whole drama can be turned in to a healing experience for you boyfriend if your mom is up to it.
Since you said your BF was on the spectrum, try posting this over on /r/sexonthespectrum.
I don’t have advice, but you and your mum sound like amazing people. I’m glad he has you.
Your bf sounds like a guy who wouldn’t want you to share this much about him with strangers on Internet.
Will we get an update after the mom&bf inevitable conversation? Please?