My (24M) partner (23F) and I have been together for 5 years now, and I just proposed to her in May. I love her more than anything in the world; she’s my best friend, my errand buddy, my better half, my “player 2”, and my soon to be wife. She always makes me laugh, is always there to comfort me, and knows more about me than myself. She’s a 10…but our sex life is not great.
We have pretty opposite libidos, where I am horny almost daily, and she is horny once in a blue moon (she’s on antidepressants and birth control, and both have side effects of “loss in sexual interest” so that doesn’t really help our case). Our sex life has gone through some really rough patches, and I feel as though I’ve tried everything in the book to make things better, but it seems like even when we make one step forward, we take several back.
Here is a list of some things I have tried thus far:
• Lessening the amount that we have sex. When we first started dating, we had sex a few times a week. Then we went to scheduling it to be twice a week (Tues/Thurs) so she could anticipate it. Then we went to once a week (usually Fridays). Then we went to twice a week (which is something that she says we discussed but I don’t remember, but it’s not a hill I’m going to die on). Now it’s barely even once a month.
• We tried a system where I would place a little ceramic heart on her nightstand whenever I wanted to have sex. She then added a rule that I had to place it at least 24 hours in advance so she could have time to prepare herself. It worked for a while, but then she told me that we were having sex too often (the most I’d placed it down was twice in a single week after not having sex for four weeks prior). So I gave her the heart, saying “I’ll place the power in your hands, then.” I waited five weeks and she never placed it once. We’ve since ditched that system.
• She finally told me that part of the reason she avoids sex is because my penis reaches her cervix and I accidentally hit it when I go too deep. I felt so guilty that I had been hurting her all this time, so I researched around and I invested in [the OhNut](https://ohnut.co), which is a modifiable penis buffer. After our first time using it, she cried tears of joy because it’s the first time she’d ever had sex without experiencing pain. I cried as well, and I hoped that maybe our sex life would turn around and we’d have sex more often again. But nothing changed.
• She told me that she felt as though we needed to take more time doing foreplay to help her get in the mood. Most nights it would end up being about 45-60 minutes of foreplay alone, which wasn’t a problem for me because I really enjoyed the intimacy. Now, however, she’s told me that we do too much foreplay, and she wants to keep the whole sex process to under an hour.
• She told me that she gets really nervous and intimidated by me in bed. I asked her why, and if I was doing something to make her feel that way, and she just said “I don’t know. Maybe we can talk about other stuff to help me calm down?” So we started having conversations before starting foreplay, which can run anywhere from 30-60 minutes. She’s not uncomfortable around me in any setting other than in the bedroom.
• I got us a sex journal so every time we had sex we could talk about it and process what we liked and didn’t like. She was super into the idea, but she never really dove very deep into how she was feeling about it. We’ve only used it three times since I bought it.
• I tried “restarting our sex life,” where we would go back to square one (just making out) and climb our way back up to where we are now. It started off great, but then she said she felt ready to go back to penetration after a week. Nothing changed.
The last time we had sex (which was about four weeks ago) was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me, and what happened has been playing on repeat in my head ever since. On average, we usually have sex for 1-2 hours (depending on how much foreplay or pre-foreplay conversations she needs to get sufficiently comfy and aroused). But this time, she said, “I don’t want to have sex for more than half an hour, because I don’t want to waste my weekend.” I asked her if she thought sex was a waste of time, and she quickly said that’s not what she meant and tried to just brush it aside. But once we actually started having sex, she said, “I want to see how fast you can cum.” Well, she got what she wanted, and I came as quick as I could and we were done in like 5 minutes. She seemed very happy and satisfied, but I was left feeling incredibly empty and disheartened. I told her that it hurt my feelings and she apologized for it, but it didn’t feel genuine. Sex is something that’s very important for me because it’s a time where I feel most intimate and connected on a physical level with her, and it felt as though she just didn’t care, and that she didn’t want me.
She started a new job this year as a high school English teacher (she’s in grad school simultaneously), and with her medications, I totally understand why she doesn’t think about sex as much as I do. She comes home emotionally, physically, and mentally drained daily, and I do what I can to support her needs. But I don’t feel as though my needs are being supported in return. I don’t feel like I’m asking for much, I’m perfectly happy having sex once every other week. But she often forgets or takes a rain check on it.
Are there any suggestions that anyone has regarding how I can help my partner feel more comfortable in the bedroom or other sex systems that have worked for you? I’m starting to lose steam and run out of ideas.
TL;DR My partner is a 10, but our libidos are opposite. Any suggestions on how to align ourselves to have sex on a regular schedule?
11 comments
So a couple of things:
Taking a big dick for a LONG period of time is pretty draining, and can be downright uncomfortable. I have a partner who’s preference is to go for 30-45 minutes of penetration on average. Sex is rarely a quick thing between us. I do get quickies out of him, but they’re still 15+ minutes. I’ve been pretty vocal about needing shorter sex sessions mixed in with longer. It sounds like your girlfriend is telling you something similar? If every time I had sex it was going to be 1.5-2 hours, I’d be less than thrilled too..I have a massive sex drive, but the thought of marathon sex every time I’m intimate sounds like a chore.
Have you both talked about her getting off birth control and switching to something non hormonal? Condoms? Cervical Cap & Spermicide, Copper IUD? If her contraceptive is the issue, it might be worth addressing.
Do you use lube? If not, you should start. Don’t be afraid to reapply it.
Is masturbating together a compromise? Or something you can do together to explore your sexuality more?
I feel like im in a very similar position honestly
>Here is a list of some things I have tried thus far:
>• Lessening the amount that we have sex. When we first started dating, we had sex a few times a week. Then we went to scheduling it to be twice a week (Tues/Thurs) so she could anticipate it. Then we went to once a week (usually Fridays). Then we went to twice a week (which is something that she says we discussed but I don’t remember, but it’s not a hill I’m going to die on). Now it’s barely even once a month.
>• We tried a system where I would place a little ceramic heart on her nightstand whenever I wanted to have sex. She then added a rule that I had to place it at least 24 hours in advance so she could have time to prepare herself. It worked for a while, but then she told me that we were having sex too often (the most I’d placed it down was twice in a single week after not having sex for four weeks prior). So I gave her the heart, saying “I’ll place the power in your hands, then.” I waited five weeks and she never placed it once. We’ve since ditched that system.
>• She finally told me that part of the reason she avoids sex is because my penis reaches her cervix and I accidentally hit it when I go too deep. I felt so guilty that I had been hurting her all this time, so I researched around and I invested in the OhNut, which is a modifiable penis buffer. After our first time using it, she cried tears of joy because it’s the first time she’d ever had sex without experiencing pain. I cried as well, and I hoped that maybe our sex life would turn around and we’d have sex more often again. But nothing changed.
>• She told me that she felt as though we needed to take more time doing foreplay to help her get in the mood. Most nights it would end up being about 45-60 minutes of foreplay alone, which wasn’t a problem for me because I really enjoyed the intimacy. Now, however, she’s told me that we do too much foreplay, and she wants to keep the whole sex process to under an hour.
>• She told me that she gets really nervous and intimidated by me in bed. I asked her why, and if I was doing something to make her feel that way, and she just said “I don’t know. Maybe we can talk about other stuff to help me calm down?” So we started having conversations before starting foreplay, which can run anywhere from 30-60 minutes. She’s not uncomfortable around me in any setting other than in the bedroom.
>• I got us a sex journal so every time we had sex we could talk about it and process what we liked and didn’t like. She was super into the idea, but she never really dove very deep into how she was feeling about it. We’ve only used it three times since I bought it.
>• I tried “restarting our sex life,” where we would go back to square one (just making out) and climb our way back up to where we are now. It started off great, but then she said she felt ready to go back to penetration after a week. Nothing changed.
Points reorganized, to make them easier to read
This makes me so sad. There are women out there that don’t even get a fraction of the thought and care you put into sex and here she is, seemingly not reciprocating the same care and thoughtfulness in your relationship.
You shouldn’t get married until this is fixed. Getting married amplifies problems. She might put the effort in long enough to get married and then go back to how she was before. So she is going to have to really work to get to the bottom of the issues she is having.
It might be that she is asexual, or birth control is affecting her and you need to switch to condoms, or maybe something else.
When you explain it to her, tell her exactly how you feel, and that you are worried this issue is going to drive you apart etc etc. She needs to take this seriously, this isn’t just a horny guy wanting an orgasm and being annoyingly persistent, there are some fundamental needs that are not being met in this relationship, you need to feel wanted and desired by the person you love.
You also have to be willing to walk if she doesn’t put any effort in. That isn’t just sex, that is her not caring about you.
Do you want 60 years of that?
If she’s open to it switching to a non hormonal form of birth control did wonders for me. I was on the pill too for 3 years and it totally tanked my libido. My partner is larger and could cause painful sex for me too especially since he doesn’t cum quickly so sex is at minimum 30 minutes and most of that is penetration. I started not wanting sex as much because my libido died and I wasn’t able to get as wet, which just made sex painful. I switched to a copper iud and that cleared things up within 3 months my libido was back and while I still go through cycles of lower libido before my period for the most part I’m down to have sex on a daily basis 🙂
Do not marry this girl. Head over to dead bedrooms and then the adultery sub and you’ll see why. That is where you’re headed if you remain in this relationship.
You’ve gone above and beyond, the girl just doesn’t like sex
it’s totally bonkers to me that it’s expected to be on birth control which effects you at all times, instead of condoms which effect you only during sex
Accept that it will always be this way, or move on.
The person you marry is the person you marry.
Bruh…
If your sex life is bad when you’re 23/24 and unmarried then things are going to be a lot worse in a few years. Do not subject yourself to a lifetime of sexual frustration. You two are sexually incompatible.
Having a partner who has sex with you only out of obligation is depressing enough. Once you get married she’ll stop doing even that and things will get even worse.
> she’s on antidepressants
Ugh, another one. Is there anyone left who isn’t taking antidepressants?
1-2 hours of sex is not reasonable for every session. I think you’re making sex a chore for her and she resents it. Its fine to have a long session every once in awhile but for people with a busy life, brevity is the soul of wit. I doubt my wife would fuck me very often either if it required two hours.
Maybe next time you have sex surprise her with a fast session. Undress her, kiss her, enjoy her body for a few minutes, eat her out until she cums, and then give her a quick 5-10 of penetration and finish.
If 2 hour sex sessions are a requirement for your happiness this relationship is never going to work out. Most people don’t fuck like that.