Sorry this might be kinda long. Ive (25f) been in an open fwb situation with this guy(27m) for the past 2 years. At the very beginning i said “i dont expect this to last” bc at the time we were just looking to mess around. I guess over time we became more attached, and now were in a real relationship that started a month ago. The issue is i dont feel like he really loves me. Our sex is amazing and im scared thats really why he wanted to stay with me. Ill try to sum up the past 2 year events quickly-
In 2021 we saw eachother like once a week to fuck, he didnt ever seem to have feelings towards me emotionally and i kinda felt the same. By august 2021 i was developing some feelings but when i would sort of test if he felt the same it was clear he did not. We hung out as friends and just fucked alot. After august we also were exclusive although it wasnt bc we made the decision to be, we just werent messing around with other people after. By December 2021 i was kind of over it and wanted to end it since it wasnt going anywhere but idk i just couldnt bring myself to do it. He also told me in this month that he was planning on moving 7 hours away to another state summer 2022. I figured we would just keep seeing eachother until then bc the sex was really good lol.
Now in march 2022 i found out i was 6 weeks pregnant🫠 he was amazing throughout the whole situation, asked me what i wanted to do and was supportive of whatever I chose. From the beginning we both said we did not want any babies ever and if this were to happen we wouldnt keep it. If we were in love i mightve kept it but i decided not to and got the pills by the next week. He paid and was with me at rhe doctors and when i took it and it was the most painful experience of my life. I lost alot of blood and was in so much pain i legit wanted to die. He stayed with me that night and helped me alot. During this time we became much more affectionate with eachother like never before but after a few weeks it kind of went away (but not completely).
In april we took a lil bit of shrooms at the beach and we opened up a little more. I asked him then if he liked me and he didnt really respond (he has done this before too which makes me question everything) I obviously take it as this isn’t going anywhere and he just wants to fuck and i keep thinking about ending it but just decide to do it when he moves.
June 2022 comes around, i let him stay with me for 3 weeks since his lease ended and he still couldnt move to the new state. During this time we barely have sex and act more relationshipy but i also feel like he would find me annoying at times. Eventually he leaves but we still don’t really end things. We continue texting and FaceTiming alot.
Beginning of august i go to visit him for a week and plan to end things there. I decide to do it at the end of the tripso it doesn’t spoil our time together. I was also secretly testing him to see if this could become something (he failed. At one point he does kind of mention that he wants things to progress but he doesn’t specifically say he wants a real relationship). I gave him the entire week as well to speak up about being serious. Well end of the week comes and right before we leave for the airport, i say we should stop seeing each other. We both start crying and he seems distraught. He tells me that when he moved away he cried alot during that time bc he didn’t want to leave me. I ask why hasnt he shown feelings before and he says idk. I just say we should move on. We leave and on the car ride to the airport he says that he was going to bring up becoming serious during this drive and was just nervous which is why he hadnt before. To me it just sounds like an excuse to keep me around for sex (he has said previously im the best hes ever had). Well i get on my flight and We ended up deciding to speak about it next weekend in person as he was coming back into town. During this week we barely communicate mostly cause we didnt know how to treat eachother.
Well when the weekend arrived he shows up with flowers wine and treats and says he wants to be with me and hes sorry for not being able to be romantic and express his feelings (hes never been in a serious relationship) Idk why but my dumbass agrees to start a long distance relationship after some conversations.
Now were one month in but he doesnt act really romantic towards me. Hes never really complimented me and i just dont feel like he really loves me. After all this time together i feel like he knows who i am and should already know if he loves me or not. Ive been in past relationships and in comparison to my exes he just doesnt show the same amount of interest in me. Bc of this i feel like im holding back all the love i really want to give him. I dont want to be devoted to someone who wont devote themselves to me. I feel like he does care about me but i know physically im not really his type and sometimes he can be an ass. Being far apart really makes it harder too because i dont feel we connect as much through the phone. In person were more affectionate towards eachother (maybe cause its more physical?) but over the phone idk not really. I do want to add that he is a closed off person and its taken me all this time to really get him to soften and open up. I do see him trying to make this work and trying to be there for me but i feel like he really just lusts over me and just doesnt see me as his soulmate and shit. I feel like he wants to be together bc of how i make him feel emotionally and physically , not bc he loves me for me. The thing is, i dont even think he knows this himself, i think he truly is trying to make this work bur not for the right reasons.
I also want to add im crying constantly bc i feel so unwanted by him. Its not like hes a dick to me i just have felt real love from other men before and he just doesn’t treat me as a man in love treats his girl. Idk if im being insecure or what too😭
So do yall think hes really just lusting over me and just wants to keep fucking and will say anything to do so, or could he really love me and just doesnt know what to do romantically and is just closed off since he hasn’t experienced a real relationship before?
5 comments
This is something I will never understand. Why do so many women who are not aromantic settle for FwB when they want a relationship? I’ve seen it countless times in this sub. Either repeating the same fwb process with new guys and ending up heartbroken each time, or settling to be just fwb with one guy for years and then be heartbroken. Why not just go for someone who wants a relationship? This truly baffles me…
Does it matter? He doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated. End of story.
I don’t think he loves you. If he did, he’d try a little harder to make you feel special. When I’m in love with someone I’m constantly thinking of how I can show it. I want them to feel special. I want them to brag to all their friends that they are dating me. I want to rock their world. That is what love looks like. It’s not just amazing chemistry.
Most likely, he’s closed off. You describe a guy who wants to connect, tries to connect, but, for whatever reason, won’t and most likely can’t…at least not at this point in his life. Why? Who knows; childhood trauma, prior dating trauma, the way he’s wired? We don’t know; neither do you. Figuring it out, and fixing it, is a job for a therapist, not a lover.
Bid him a fond farewell and start looking for guys who ARE emotionally available. They exist, but you won’t find one while you’re entangled with him.
Advice from a guy.
What are you doing?
Yeah he isn’t in love with you, don’t take it personally. He probably finds you attractive and enjoys your company, but obviously there isn’t that spark there for him.