Hi. Throwaway as my bf uses reddit.
I (f23) and my bf (m25) have been together 6 years. This past year though I’ve noticed some behavior I’ve never noticed before.
In June I was really drunk, I initiated very enthusiastically but I guess I fell asleep halfway through. I apologized the next morning for falling asleep & he said not to worry as he kept going and finished. That made me feel…really icky but he said he thought I was just “enjoying it and relaxing”.
He apologized and said he’d pay better attention next time. To note- he had been drinking too but not drunk.
Anyway..I moved past it but a couple weeks ago, we were having sex and I started disassociating which has never happened before (I just started therapy for childhood trauma recently) and again he just kept going and didn’t notice.
I’d like to note as well that I’m usually very enthusiastic and I just kind of froze & got really quiet which is unlike me.
I did mention it (and cried) after awhile as it took awhile for me to feel better and he apologized again and said he did noticed but didn’t think anything of it.
I’m really conflicted bc on one hand I’ve told him I’m into free use (although we never agreed to anything) & I never specifically told him to stop but also I feel like he should have?
I don’t know. He seemed really apologetic both times and I feel like I’m overreacting and I am trying not to freak out over it. I honestly want to break up over this.
I’m wondering if anyone has delt with something like this and how did you move past it or did you decide to break it off? Am I overreacting
8 comments
I think he’s getting very confusing and unclear signals. And that maybe you aren’t into free use and that’s okay, you don’t have to be. And maybe y’all should have a policy about not having sex when you are really drunk or not into it. Clear boundaries
You should have started with the but about being free use.
You need to agree on what you mean by free use, which means used whenever he wants regardless of what you think. If you want restrictions on that it’s fine , just talk about them first.
It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to hurt you but unfortunately has been given unclear directions. You have talked about free use and he may have taken it as that was what was decided even though you didn’t finalize the deal. This is something that can happen and is totally approachable.
I think a healthy conversation is need and maybe you could have him sit in on a session with you so disassociation is explained to him he may not know the signs.
Communication should fix it but if it keeps happening more drastic measures would need to be taken.
He’s not a mind reader, if ur to drunk, tired or don’t feel like having sex, you need to say “NO”. 🤷🏻♀️
You’re overreacting. And even though I sympathize with your feelings (and there is zero wrong with your emotions) your **actions** due to those feelings are unfair to a guy who has heard his lover say how much she is into free use one day and then the next cry because she slept through sex she had consented to. Maybe it’s just my opinion, but it seems to me that falling asleep or disassociating does not rescind consent in a loving trusting relationship where both people are either drinking or focusing on their own thoughts/pleasure during sex. I think the majority of people are of that thought. But if you aren’t, that’s cool. Your body, your rules. But you have to communicate clearly with your lover. Expecting him to be able to navigate the maze of things that you have said or done without clear guidelines is unfair to him. You need to say: “The moment my eyes close or glaze over, you need to check in with me and STOP THRUSTING.”
My wife and I have enjoyed sleepy sex for nearly 40 years. She often has trouble sleeping so it’s pretty much essential for her many nights. Neither of us has any past trauma. Neither of us has any problems with sleep sex, quite the contrary. It’s one of the most intimate bonding things we do.
In terms of your feelings, you’re not overreacting but don’t take those feelings and make a rash decision without communicating. It definitely sounds like you both need to have an honest and open discussion about the fact that you feel unsafe at the moment, especially considering you are currently going through therapy and undoubtedly reliving some experiences that you’ve been repressing.
It is a case of making it clear to him that he needs to be extra, extra careful and vigilant. You haven’t mentioned what he is like outside of these interactions so it is hard to tell his intentions and the authenticity of his apologies however if you feel like you can trust him then you should.
There are a lot people here saying that you have been confusing about free-use. Having read that you only talked about it and didn’t agree on anything, you shouldn’t feel like you’ve given any mixed signals especially since the conversation was 2 years ago and didn’t have a conclusion apart from disinterest.
None of this is your fault. Just because you have said you are into free use, doesnt give him free reign when you haven’t officially decided that you two are going ahead with it. You told him your feelings after the first incident and he has repeated the behaviours. I personally would not feel comfortable continuing a physical relationship with someone that I couldnt trust to acknowledge proper consent. There is a lack of consent when someone is too drunk, passed out or disassociated.