Me and my boyfriend (let’s call him Stan) have been together for 4 years and the last two of those years we lived together. When me and Stan first started dating we were on and off for about a year and then we ended up staying together. We currently do not live together due to our jobs being in two different cities and gas being expensive. I also wanted to try living on my own because I’ve only lived with other people. One thing about Stan is that his communication skills are awful. It’s one of the primary reasons we broke up the first year of dating. It’s awful to the point where he would go days without messaging me or calling me. Most people would assume there was cheating involved when their partner doesn’t message them for days. But Stan is an introvert. He is introverted to the point where he won’t even call his mother back. So I’m aware it’s not just a me thing. The two years we live together I guess I was just so used to having him around and not needing to call him and check in on him because he was always there. But now that we live separately I’m running into the same issue of him not communicating. Another thing about Stan is his commitment issues have caused problems in our relationship. He always seems to have a panic attack around around our anniversary and around significant holidays such as Valentine’s Day. To the point where Stan says he wants to marry me and then there’s a point where he doesn’t want to marry me but he wants to be together.
I love Stan. But the fact that he’ll go days again without messaging me is starting to make me really irritated and annoyed with him. The problem is that when we are together I feel the irritation go away and I feel like our relationship is great. It’s just when we are apart for a while. He said he kind of feels the same way and is considering ending a relationship over it. I don’t want to end it if it’s something that can be fixed. Is it normal to get irritated with your significant other when you’re not around them but extremely happy when they’re there?
He has been working at his communication skills but it’s still awful
TL;DR Im irritated with my boyfriend when we aren’t together, but everything is fine when we are together. Is that normal?
6 comments
Info: can you explain what you mean about the panicking on romantic holidays?
>He said he kind of feels the same way and is considering ending a relationship over it.
He considered ending the relationship because of his bad communication. Am I understanding that right? I’m curious what his reasoning is behind this. Does he just plan on being alone forever because he’s bad at talking to people?
No, it’s not normal to feel irritation when apart. That emotion is trying to tell you that a need of yours is not being met. If you’ve talked to him about how that makes you feel and there is no effort to modify his behaviour. You either 1) have to accept this is the way he is. Or 2) make the painful but necessary decision to leave and find a person who can give you what you want.
Make a shared calendar and schedule calls, times to text, or virtually hang out. Set it so you both get reminders and have set expectations about when and how you communicate. You can’t trust him to take that on his own.
I can kind of relate to this. I’m seeing someone whose texting habits are not ideal. He doesn’t have the other issue you mentioned about the holidays and stuff but I def feel you on the “very happy together in person but irritated when apart” lol
Sounds like my ex and I. It drove me insane how he could go days without messaging me back or calling me back. I always brought it up, even asking for just as simple, “Hey, how’s your day.” Nothing. We always fought about it. But yes, when we were together, it was fun.
Well, spoiler alert, we broke up after 4 years. I just couldn’t handle the constant fights over the same things again and again.
I was talking to my brother about the same problem about my ex. Then he asked, “Let’s say you got married, then what? What happens if he travels for work? Is this something you can deal with/fight about for the rest of your life?” That thought scared me. It made it pretty straight forward and easier for me to walk away.
My husband now travels for work. There are times we wouldn’t see each other for weeks. Without a fail, he will text or call me at least to say goodnight, no matter how tired he was (different time zones).