Hey everyone. Just want to say thank for all the good advice and nice comments that 99% of you made. There are couples things I need to clarify though.
1. Yes my stbx was drunk, but had enough sense to high-five her one friend after finishing.
2. In the video the stripper is not forcing her but she actually stops and then keeps going after.
3. Many think this is fake and that is fine. I don’t care. Honestly if you think it is fake that is fine. I just needed some advice.
4. I thought all clubs were both male and female, and just varied on night.
5. She did not plan to blackmail my stbx. She took the video (which was only like 18 seconds) and few pics. She knew this would come out eventually and wanted to cover her tracks with her husband. She saw that and then ran. She didn’t know any of the other girls and was so surprised by what she saw, so she bolted out of fear.
6. I am not mad at my ex, just disappointed, and to those who say you can salvage, she threw that away when she kept lying about it by not telling me.
7. Also, no, her friends did not ruin a perfect relationship, she did. I don’t believe the girls wanted us to end. They are all single women in their late twenties for which many think that casual sex is fine. I have no issues with people who do it, it is just not for me. I think some people on here just think that every person has some malicious intent and that the accused is just a victim of circumstance. People do messed up things sometimes of their own free will.
8. I have no intentions of blackmailing her or tell people the info unless she wants to get nasty.
9. Lastly, no I don’t hate women. I actually defended many women from some assholes on the thread. These are few bad people not women, PEOPLE.
Now for a quick boring update:
Someone’s asked about how my stbx seemed to be like the best women ever for me and that I had nothing bad to say about here at all other than this. Well you are correct. To say I was the weird kid in HS, is an understatement. I had long hair, colored all the time. I wore makeup and painted my nails. Dressed weird for many. She was always there for me ands protected me from others, as at that age I didn’t have a spine. I had a few gf who I dated who said I was good looking but they wanted me to quit wearing makeup, painting my nails, and other things. I said I am not changing for anyone and she always defended me when these girls would talk ill of me after. So she was literally the only person I could talk to. I couldn’t talk to my parents or brothers. She was the one who held me and cared for me when one of my exes started spreading nasty rumors about me and she sat with me every night for days. So she was the perfect women. That is why I cant confront her yet. I know I will break if I see her cry because I will think of the memories we have together. I still love her but no longer see her as my wife and bestfriend. If she wants to go out and have sex with random people that is her choice. Just do it single.
Anyway, I stayed up late on reddit and went to sleep on the couch for which I have for the past week. She got up to go to work, I took off today, and woke me up to give me a hug and a kiss goodbye. In my stupor I said love you too, and gave her a kiss. Muscle memory is a thing it seems. Although, I noticed no feeling with the kiss like I am used to. After that I went back to sleep and woke up at 9. I got some breakfast, took a shower, and started packing her stuff up. To those who said I seemed odd an emotionless well I cried a lot today. I have been in damage control and packing her stuff and seeing memories of us made me just break. I have been blaring music that keeps my mind occupied. My poor neighbors probably know my favorite music as much as I do now.
In the afternoon I get a call from my buddy. Turns out my stbx took a half day and went to their house to talk to her friend. Turns out she is having a emotional breakdown. I am not going to get into all the details but to hit the major points.
1. She worried about me.
2. She knows I am not sick. She knows when I am sick and knows I am not.
3. She thinks I am getting cold feet about the wedding and is scared.
4. She is extremely worried that I wont have sex with her or kiss her at all. In her own words “I usually cant keep him off me (which is true), but recently he wont even touch me. Not even a hug”.
5. She is wondering what is wrong and if my depression has come back worse.
There is more but that was the major point. She has no clue my buddies wife told me thankfully. Then later this evening, actually just a little bit ago, she calls me to say she made to her friends place. The conversation was brief but I could tell she was upset. To be honest, it hurt me to hear her like this and I wanted to hold her, but I need to do what is right for me. You know that sound like someone is holding back tears, that was her. She asked how I was feeling and I said better. Then we talked about the wedding and everything and just some other bs about work. She then says love you, and I say okay and say that I have food to finish and don’t want to get burned. She says okay, and I tell her to be safe and have fun. She says she will and that she loves me again and I said bye and she said bye.
That is it. I know this is pretty boring but that is what happened today. I will probably keep updating if I feel I need too for mental reasons. If not, thank you all for the help and advice.
Edit:
Many of you seem to think that she may have been so drunk that she may not remember. I am going to call my buddies wife an ask her how drunk she actually was.
Just got off the phone with my buddies wife. She said that my ex not sloshed or completely drunk when the left the winery but was buzzed. She said that surprised her that she said lets go to the strip club. She said the kept drinking on the way there and drank a lot more at the club. She says she was definitely wasted but not blackout drunk during the lap dance. I then asked her about possible drugging as someone said. She said that she didn’t see anything.
26 comments
Dude my heart is absolutely broken for you. So sorry you have to go through this. Thank you for updating us, please take care of your mental health during this. Good luck through this process. This weekend won’t be easy, let yourself cry and feel what you need to feel. Time will be healing through this process ❤️
Stay strong brother. You’re doing the right thing.
Honestly I cannot believe she hasn’t told you about it.
You’re right. That’s why it would be a dealbreaker for me. If she had come home and like spilled the beans on herself before the friend’s wife ever got to, I would consider therapy.
She knows something is wrong and is still not coming clean. You haven’t touched her, and she’s still not coming clean. She would have taken this to the grave, and THAT is not something that I personally could forgive, and I do not blame you for not being able to forgive it either.
Nothing makes it right. Like, sometimes lines are crossed and it just poisons…everything. There’s just no coming back from it, even if you try. I hope you can start healing soon.
If you cave she will abuse you for the rest of your life
You absolve her friends but I’m willing to bet a few of them were jealous or just pushing her to let loose one time before getting married.
You’d be shocked how some friends can absolutely not want what’s best for you. Especially female friend groups, I’ve heard some just catty shit before.
Not excusing what she did just saying they could have influenced it, she still allowed it to happen to completion.
Tough thing to read about. I feel for you.
IMO there’s no going back. She can sense something is wrong but she still leaves to spend time with that friend & doesn’t confess.
Sorry OP but this is so heartbreaking.
I know you cherish the memories and the person you used to know her to be, but cheating and lying is no way to start a marriage. You are doing the right thing by ending it. You deserve a partner that loves and respects you in the FULL sense and her actions are not evident of that. Love will find you again and I hope you find peace in all the chaos.
OP you have to out some blame on her friends. Just because they are single and don’t think casual sex is an issue, doesn’t matter. Your ex had a plan and was encouraged to detour…. being drunk is not an excuse but as an alcoholic I know what being pressured feels like when drunk and you have opportunity in front of you and consequences are far away.
Your ex will alienate herself from everyone one of them after this happens.
The worst case scenario OP…. is if your ex doesn’t even remember what happened and is at her friends house to try and figure things out.
Her “did something happen at my party? My man won’t touch me an barely speak to me.”
If the friend tells your ex about this and your ex BLACKED IT OUT OF HER MEMORY…. she might come flying back home.
I mean there’s no way she can’t put 2 and 2 together of she remembers what she did…
After all OP you said she was always a bright girl.
That she still hasn’t told you makes it worse, the guilt she isn’t feeling says alot about her as a person.
You are doing the right thing by getting out. If she will do this now she will do it again and it’s better to exit now than after 2 kids and a mortgage. Live your life to the fullest.
Makes me wonder if she remembers giving the BJ? Not that it makes it any better but the way she is reacting to some of this seems off, like she’s not lying. I would still breakup but damn that would be crazy if that was the case.
Have someone be there with you when your break up with her.
This could get bad and you need a witness if she tries to spin a different way.
Sorry you’re going through this. You’ll survive
Is there a slight possibility she doesn’t remember what happened? I’m not defending her actions. Drinking isn’t an excuse, but maybe she was wasted and doesn’t remember the night?
What does stbx mean?
I know it’s none of my business and entirely your choice, but I really appreciate the update man. Idk why but your situation just turns me into a bleeding heart. I cannot believe she would sooner blame your depression over what she did, the only possible reason being she wants to somehow deny what happened.
I wish nothing but the best for you, even in these terrible times. She made a mistake, and now you’re having to pay for it. If you don’t update again, I hope it’s because you found the healing that you need away from her.
Hey man you could write a letter for her writing all your thoughts and feelings about this instead of a head on confrontation if you are not ready, and maybe even post the link to these Reddit threads for her to read, after all is said and done. Just an advice.
Updateme! 1 month
I’m sorry. This is so sad for you both. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
UpdateMe!
OP. 🙁 I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I am going to say that I hope you do what’s right for you and that no matter the outcome, you take this as a learning experience and grow from it. It’s hard when dealing with stuff like this.
Honestly, this reads more genuine than a lot of the stuff in here does, if people are calling it fake. The story itself, yeah, does follow a trope if you look at it solely on the surface. However, your explanations and reasons are a lot more grounded and nuanced than I fake story would be, where – after all of this – the person would still naively ask what to do.
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This is more no nonsense. You want a more actionable approach, and know this isn’t salvageable. That’s not to say that everyone who’s been in this situation should act and do as you did. However, more fake stories sensationalize a lot of the details and attempt to pull all the stops – this doesn’t seem like that.
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Anyways, you’re doing the right thing. Get your ducks in line and take as much time as you need to make the transition as smooth as possible.
Just want to encourage you to stay strong. But I also want to help put somethings in perspective for you. You may not realize this right now but you never knew her and she is not the woman you thought she was. So there is absolutely nothing for you to save anyways.
Just think about it. Is any of this consistent with the woman you had such a deep friendship with and fell in love with. Would the person you have known for all these years, cheated, betrayed you, humiliated you, concealed it, plotted to cover it up, disregarded your feelings, and left you alone when something is not right with you. It is a harsh reality to come to terms with, but sometimes it takes us longer to meet the real person then we would like. People can do an amazing job of putting on a mask for a long time.
Once you realize that the real her cheats and connives, you will realize how much of a bullet you dodged. You finally see the whole picture and now you should be glad you did not entangle your with her more.
What many here have said is true. It isn’t the sex. It is the lying, the disrespect for your boundaries.
She had unprotected oral sex with a sex worker. Oral STDs are really common and spread like wildfire. Get tested, even if all you did was kiss.
She put you at risk, she lied to you, and she disrespected the boundaries of your relationship. If relationships were contracts, she is in breach of contract.
She hasn’t done what is necessary to repair the relationship. That all starts with admitting that she fucked up.
Are you going to tell her you know?
Galvanize yourself against the TORRENT of love bombing, lies and crocodile tears that will come when you confront her.
Bear in mind that anything that comes after you pull back the curtain is the result of days of premeditated planning for a cover story. And, had you not confronted her, her ACTIONS were that of someone intent on lying to you for the rest of your life.