I (20F) got out of a bad relationship with my ex (21F) when I was 17 years old. After we broke up I was so broken that to this day my friends know how much my ex hurt me and how badly I dealt with the breakup.
However, three years later and my ex and I are talking again, i’m falling for her even though she likes someone else. Everyday my friends call me pathetic for liking her while she has hurt me immensely in the past. They said that it took me three years to get my life back together and I cant go on with my life if I start pining for her again.
Personally I feel like my ex and I have a connection I’ll never have with anyone else, even if my friends hate her. I think she’s the one for me even if she likes someone else right now. She sees me as a friend but I personally see her as someone I can potentially get back with. My friends are telling me it’s unhealthy but I’m really in love with her and I don’t know what to do.
TLDR; My ex is the love of my life but my friends hate her for breaking my heart three years ago and are against us reconciling.
4 comments
>Personally I feel like my ex and I have a connection I’ll never have with anyone else
Only if you don’t allow yourself to move on.
>My ex is the love of my life
Are you dying?
Your friends are using harsh phrasing, but they’re trying to get you to snap into reality. It is really, extremely hard being the friend of someone who is making such obvious bad choices. It’s agonizing watching someone you love throw themselves into unnecessary danger.
>even if she likes someone else right now
So this is one sided. I can see why your friends say it’s unhealthy. You need to break free of this for your own wellbeing.
Based on my experience with similar situations, I think the odds are that your friends are right and you’ll eventually see that your ex is an asshole who toyed with your heart. My advice is definitely to cut your ex loose and move on.
However, based on the same experience, I would be really surprised if you did anything other than disregard everything your friends or reddit have to say and learn this lesson the hard way, because that’s usually what people do. Good luck.
You are trapped in a trauma bond, which is like an emotional addiction. This means that it will be much harder to get over your ex than normal. Your brain is telling you to go back to her so you can get another “hit” of the toxicity you are used to. Think of it like withdrawal symptoms. You’re gonna have to work extra hard to get over her and move on.
People assume it’s easier to leave toxic or abusive relationships because of all the bad times, but often it’s harder to walk away than in a healthy breakup. This is because we are drawn in by the high-highs, this person makes us feel like we’re soul-mates. Us against the world. Blah blah blah. Then, once we have committed, the devaluing starts. Bad things start happening, betrayal happens, we get lableled as the scapegoat, and we feel the low-lows. Since the other person makes it seem like we are the problem, we stay to try to fix things. How can our soulmate be wrong? We really must be crap. Our brains want that high again, so we stay with the toxic person in the hopes we can get back to the good times. Toxic people feel safe when others are panicked trying to please them.
People on the outside don’t often understand the cycle, and even less often do they know how to help. Your friends are being mean because they are afraid for you. Let that sink in.
You know she hurt you in the past, whether it was toxic, abusive, or involved many betrayal arcs, I can’t say. Whatever happened, you know it was wrong, and that you can’t be in a relationship where it’s treated as normal. You should make a list of all the bad things she did to you, and you should read it every time you think about getting back with her.
Block her number today. Start a new hobby tomorrow. Stay busy, and spend time with people you trust. She is messaging you because she likes the attention you give her. She does not care about you as a romantic partner, or she wouldn’t be telling you she is messing around with someone else. Stay away from her. Get friends and family to help you. You will find someone kinder and move on from this. It’ll be hard, but you can do it.