My girlfriend and I have been together for a bit over 2 years now, and she doesn’t trust me even though I have given her no reason not to trust me. I have never been unfaithful, and I do my best to be supportive. However almost daily she needs to ask me if I am cheating/have cheated on her. It’s gotten to the extreme. The other day I shared with her a new band that I liked while in the car earlier in the day, and she needed 30 minutes to herself because of how anxious it made her thinking about “how I heard of that band”. I understand that I need to be supportive of her, but every time this happens I feel like I am being called a liar, and it hurts me that she doesn’t trust me even though I haven’t given her a reason to.
These trust issues extend to other areas of our relationship. I have essentially cut close friends out of my life because she thinks that I have had “crushes” on my friends girlfriends in the past (which is not true). I have also cut out time with my family (by not taking as many trips back to the midwest where I am from and instead staying on the east coast where I live) because she thinks when I go home I will cheat on her.
I know these insecurities she has also harm her. She has very low self esteem and is constantly looking to me to reassure her that she does not look ugly. Sometimes it feels like that is all we talk about, and all she cares about.
I just don’t know what to do. When things are going fine between us, I love being in this relationship. I also love her, so I want to be there to help her feel better about herself. But these trust issues are literally crushing my soul.
Does anyone have any advice for what I should do?
24 comments
You’ve done all you can, either live this way or walk away. If it’s been this long and not changed, then it isn’t going to. I’m guessing you know what you need to do.
She abusive
She needs professional help.
And it wouldn’t hurt for you to consider doing some individual therapy yourself so you can learn more about how to identify healthy vs not healthy behaviors and boundaries in a relationship.
You are in a codependent and abusive relationship.
If you were my (44F) little brother, I would tell you that you may love her but you’re enabling her and you’re being abused and need to end this.
I’ve been in these exact shoes. Daily re-affirmation when you’ve shown no cause for her to doubt your fidelity, your partners inability to regulate their emotions, demanding or guilting you to spend more time with her and less with outside “influences”. These tactics are manipulative and wrong. Full stop.
She could have some underlaying mental health issues. I’d encourage her to seek professional help.
If she refuses to seek help, or gets worse leave and do not look back. The behaviours won’t stop they just get worse. The best thing you can do for yourself is respect yourself and your own well being and leave. There’s a term Ibe heard that I find wholly accurate especially in situations like this. Shit or get off the pot.
She either needs to work on herself and be willing to get help or you need to leave.
I’m sorry this is happening. All is going to say people who don’t love themselves can never be loved enough by their partner. I had an extremely insecure ex that I did so much to try and make him feel better about himself, and he ended up cheating on me because he didn’t feel like he was enough.
My point is people like this are endless pits that you can pour into and it’s draining and exhausting.
She needs help. It’s not your job to fix her and love her enough so that she can feel better.
Sounds exhausting. I’d leave
She’s probably cheating on you and projecting
She needs a therapist, not a boyfriend. Until she gets her issues under control, then she won’t make a good partner to anyone.
I get it, I’ve been cheated on, it was traumatizing–but your girlfriend needs to learn to cope with her feelings and insecurities, and she clearly needs professional help to do so.
It concerns me that she is isolating you, or getting you to isolate yourself. That is a red flag as well. You may love her but this is not sustainable or remotely healthy. As difficult as it may be, you’re going to have to set some boundaries (and suggest she speak with a therapist about her issues).
It’s genuinely not your job to cut people out or bend your life to fit her insecurities. If anything, that’s going to make it worse in the long run. She/your relationship needs therapy. It’s a lot of work though, and if you’re at the end of your rope no one’s going to blame you for walking away. In general, if you’re actively losing friends and relationships because of your partner, that’s not normal, healthy, or sustainable.
I’m someone who gets decently anxious and insecure and I present it in this way sometimes, to my chagrin. Treating the symptoms of these insecurities is helping no one. The mild comfort granted by you capitulating to her is immediately overridden by the next potential threat drummed up by her maladaptive thought patterns. You need to get to the core of what she is feeling and why.
Therapy is the go-to. You can be part of her support network if you think it’s worth living through until it’s fixed, but it’s unreasonable to ask you to fix her. Just know it may never fix her core anxiety, only keep it to a manageable level. She may learn to express her insecurities in more communicative, pointed questions of “do you still care about me?” but even that can get annoying.
Probably time to tell her that if she doesn’t get into treatment with a therapist and learn how to manage these insecurities that the relationship is over. Two years of low-key emotional abuse like this is long enough. Take a stand, give her an ultimatum and be prepared to end this if she doesn’t get her act together.
Do not, and I repeat, DO not ever confuse insecurities with narcissism. Based on what I am reading here your girlfriend has been showing some signs of narcissism.
Read into the different types of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and ready yourself.
People can be insecure, everyone should have some degree of insecurity in themselves on “am I doing enough or am I enough for x/y/z”, but to extend it to a high amount of destructive action for their own security is not insecurity.
If she’s taking the effort to address her insecurities and work on them, then that is insecurities. If she’s not taking the effort and just lashing out at you continually, that is not just being insecure, that is destructive.
Stop bowing to insanity. You cut out close friends; she is isolating you and making you be her therapist. That’s not healthy at all.
Tell her she needs to get counseling and also tell her that you aren’t going to let her destroy your other relationships because it isn’t healthy. And she needs to get better or the relationship needs to end.
She’s an energy vampire.
Couple fucking therapy, get some therapy for you both. Her insecurities need to be evaluated
I behaved somewhat like this in the past and the best thing my ex ever did for my self esteem was to end it with me. I healed a lot after that because I was forced to.
I am not necessarily saying you should end it , just sharing my experience.
>I understand that I need to be supportive of her
no, you do not need to support someone’s delusional insecurities
Having dated someone like this, I know how absolutely manipulative and exhausting it is.
Obviously you have a few options here but I highly recommend BOUNDARIES. You have to teach people in your life what is acceptable behavior and what is not.
I went with something like this: “I’m really horrified and disappointed that you feel that way about me and distrust me to this extent. Because I would never do that. I cannot discuss this every day and if the choice is between doing that or breaking up with you, I will absolutely walk away from you because this is miserable for both of us. Going forward, every time you bring this up I will hang up or walk away. I have NOT earned this distrust and I will not subject myself to this anymore.”
And then I followed up.
Scripts:
“That’s it, good night” – hang up. Do NOT text or accept her calls again for 24 hours.
“Sorry, this date has now ended” – then get in my car and drive home.
“I’m dropping you off at your place, because the evening is ruined.” – then do it.
“Here’s $$$ for my drink, enjoy your evening alone” – then leave the bar.
“I’ve already warned you that I’m not having this discussion again. I’m going to X friend’s house/meetup at bar to enjoy their company, etc.” – then go meet up with your friends.
Cutting you off from your friends and family is a classic [abuse tactic](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm#:~:text=you%20feel%20powerless.-,Isolation,-.%20In%20order). (Scroll down to “Isolation”)
End this relationship!
This should not be your problem. Set a boundary. She needs therapy. 30 minutes on where you heard of a band? If she let you or understood how people can have contact with a lot of people and never cheat then she would understand that it is normal to get information from people. Or just hear the song on the radio or a TIKTOK, etc.
I do not get people who think that everyone wants to sleep with everyone. Does she have friends she hangs out with? Family she sees? She wants to sleep with all of them? They all want to sleep with her?
Have you said: I have no interest in cheating. You’re the one who brings it up. Are you cheating? Are you thinking about cheating? Because you talk about it so much, I wonder. Can I trust you? Let her hear what it sounds like.
I’m afraid that there is nothing you can do. I’m sorry to put it so bluntly, but there are some things that just need to be addressed from the inside out, not the outside in. Does she recognize that her anxiety about this is extreme and not grounded in reality? Is she willing to seek professional help about this?
Hi there,
I think it’s fair to say that a lot of women out there have insecurities. I know I do! However, the fact that she is constantly asking you on the daily if you are cheating on her is outrageous! Especially if you haven’t given her a reason. I don’t think it’s fair that she’s putting you through that. I don’t think that’s love. She does not own you, and she shouldn’t be isolating you away from family and friends. You can’t make a relationship work without trust. You may be able to hang in there for a while, but you will eventually be burnt out from dealing with the same accusations everyday. Don’t let it get to that point. It isn’t your job to “fix” anyone or be her emotional punching bag. Best of luck, friend.
She manipulates you by playing the victim but at the same time she’s abusing you and making you miserable. She doesn’t need a boyfriend, she needs a therapist.
Please get out and live your life.
As long as you give in to her demands, she’ll never work on herself or her trust issues. You’ve demonstrated that it’s okay for her to try and control everything instead of learning how to compromise and deal with her anxiety.