Tl:dr
Feel that I may be taken advantage over for security my whole marriage of 5 years.
Struggling with myself and what to do; go or stay.
(Post is long so will add rest in comments)
Context:
My wife (26F) and I (27M) have been married for 5 years. What I can’t wrap my head around is why I’m feeling like I’m being used as a safety net for security or having my love towards her being utilized against me.
Background/details:
We have known each other for 9 years and instantly became close/best friends. At the time I was in a relationship. 2013 I left for the military and stayed in until 2020. About a year into me leaving, I ended up finding out that she slept with my brother (everybody says we look alike with minor differences). This absolutely tore me apart, but alas I came to the reality that her and I weren’t together and I also know how my brother is (He can be a horn dog at times). I was able to just accept we weren’t together and they are adults and can do whatever they want. She wasn’t my girlfriend or wife at the time. Fast forward to 2015, I moved back to the same state, and wanted to try and get into a relationship with her because I came to the realization that I truly did love her for who she was as a person and how much she stood by me even through the tough times and when others didn’t like my own family. he had just gotten out of a relationship, and we went on a date. Didn’t play out and we stopped talking and it had blown up. I thought the friendship and all chances of dating or being with her were done as she had cut me out of her life. I left for a deployment less than a month later. During my time away she had reached out to me and wanted to try and rekindle the friendship, and it completely took me by surprise. During those months I was being a typical guy who is heartbroken and was trying to get back into the dating scene even though I hadn’t dated in years since my break up in 2012. It was rough, and I had a close friend of mine who was my friend and his wife and I asked what they though about a girl (she was the mutual friend of our my wife and I and introduced us). Anywho, more on that later. I return back from deployment and we were talking more and decided to give it a shot again and eventually it turned out to work.
We got married in 2017 very quickly and both agreed on the way we went about it. (We eloped after a month of dating). It was rough at first being that we always lived with room mates and never partners so it took some time to get adjusted to. I worked long hours and was gone for work reasons. Eventually my wife decided to go through my phone and dogged up messages from when I was deployed and speaking to my friend who I was close to both of them and saw what I said and was livid with me because I had the audacity to say that about another women who used to be her best friend. I told her that at the time I said that I had zero impression that I was ever going to be with her given the circumstances but yet it was my fault. This lead to an argument that eventually lead to us to almost divorcing. I accepted defeat because I felt there was no way I could make her understand that this situation wouldn’t have happened if I knew she was going to come back into my life. Next, to give some context on My wife , she has been diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety, had a suicidal attempt and is prescribed medication which has helped on and off. When we first moved in together she was working and was fully independent. A couple months into being married, she was having a hard time at work balancing her mental health and work load so I encouraged her to do what she wanted to do whether that be quit, continue, or take time off. She quit her job and focused on her mental health which to me was perfectly fine seeing as at the time I could support us both with the income I was getting and she was getting health insurance through me. Throughout the rest of the time I was in the service we had our ups and downs (getting to know each other in the means of living with each other) we had a couple of times where we almost split due to the difficulty of adjusting to being in the same household. She also had issues with emotionally and verbal abuse which we went to marriage counseling 1 time and the counselor told her that and she was absolutely baffled at this concept and was visibly upset.
We continued on, her getting help with mental health, taking breaks in between, working jobs, it not working out and going back to getting help.
2 comments
I got out of the military in the middle of the pandemic, and her insurance ended that I had through the military.
We moved back close to our home town and managed to get by with the little money we had saved up until I was able to start school, and get my disability claim filed and processed and we were more than comfortable financially.
At the beginning of 2021, she got certified as an RBT and began a job through a company with the hopes of getting insurance ( never happened because she couldn’t get hours to be full time). We ended up applying to get her health insurance through the VA and now she has that. (We never got a letter that she was approved and covered).
In the middle of 2021 I got a job doing what I did in the military at a VA that was willing to accommodate for school, but cost of living was higher there and we spoke about this. Granted with a job, money from the GI bill and also disability I was not worried about finances at the time (we could afford living there and basic necessities). However my wife was looking further into the future and wanted to rent out a house. I stated that if that were the case I would want her to work so that she could help contribute with the bills, etc since my goal since getting out was to pay off debt and save for our future.
We agreed, she had a job for a month, and quit. She went months not working or getting help, and then eventually got a job. She had insurance, got seen, but eventually quit because she couldn’t handle her mental health and the demand of the job. We just now had to decide whether to resign the lease or not, and spoke and her reasoning for not wanting to move is that she is tired of moving since we have moved almost every year and she wanted some consistency. I understood that, but reiterated that the condition we agreed on was that we helped each other here financially. We found out then that she was covered through the VA and had coverage. So we agreed that she would get help and I would continue to stomach the finances with the rent increase as long as she would get help and eventually help with living and the responsibilities as she is a stay at home wife right now.
It has been 2 years now after getting out of the military and 5 years together and I am feeling like I am getting to my wits end. Providing financially for the both of us, paying off my debt and her debt, giving her money to buy weed to compensate for the mental health and eating disorder she struggles with.
I now am working full time in an emergency room, and going to full time with a 45 minute commute both ways and on campus 13 hours to accommodate for work by putting all my classes on 2 days and work every other day except Sunday.
I’m completely exhausted, always tired and just want to sleep as I haven’t really had any time for myself to do my hobbies.
My wife stays at home and either plays video games, watches streams, or sleeps (sometimes does household chores but asks me to help her because we both live here and it’s a lot.
Now that I’ve painted the picture, my question to Reddit is:
I find myself constantly feeling like I’m not good enough, even though I feel that I am doing everything I can to provide, and be caring and supportive. I’ve offered to help her find help but it doesn’t lead to anything. Tried to schedule her appointments with providers and nothing came of it. At this point it seems like I’m just be used as a financial safety net to not have to work and sulk in her misery as utilize it as a crutch.
I’ve try to have difficult conversations about these issues which never come to any resolution. Either shutting down, or flipping the script to what seems to me as playing the victim.
I look forward to being at work or being at school even though I’m exhausted and have many other responsibilities to manage because I can be myself and to sense have time for myself for what it is. My sex life went from 2-3 times a week, to now months on end. Our last time was the day before our anniversary and her reason was because she wasn’t feeling good/wasn’t in the mood, before that I don’t even recall. I used to be forth coming and try to initiate intimacy, but have been shut down for so many years that I no longer try nearly as much due to the fear of being turned down and feeling inadequate.
Many friends of mine have told me that for what I do for my wife, it makes me a good husband, yet I feel like I’m not good enough and now beginning to think I never was or will be. They tell me that they would never let those things slide in their relationship and I’m a good man because it shows I truly care about her.
Am I not seeing clearly? Am I being taken advantage of? Or am I catastrophizing and need to remain grounded?
I find myself wishing sometimes that I was alone and that I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, that I just want to worry about myself because life would be easier if it was only me.
I have contemplated divorce, but my draw back from going that route is I can’t push myself to do it unless I feel that I’ve done everything I can do to help salvage and mend this, but this isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way and have pushed the deadline back time and time again as to when enough is enough.
I may be missing some stuff, but can’t really think as my mind feels flooded with uncertainty and unreal thoughts of how I see myself and value myself.
Regardless, thank you for taking the time and reading this novel.
Oh dude. Leave this girl now. She’s NEVER going to get another job. She will watch you burn yourself out as a full time student and as many jobs as are necessary to support both of you and still ask you to help with the chores. This is a selfish person who didn’t even wait 6 months to stop working after you got married. Think about that. My grandfather was career military and had 3 jobs, the difference is my grandmother was raising 5 kids. She still cleaned the house, cooked breakfast and dinner every single day for him (and their kids obviously) and sent him with a packed lunch. I don’t think my grandfather even knew where the vacuum was kept or saw the washing machine other than the day it was delivered. Was the same with my parents, and now with me. There was no “helping with chores” when you’re busting your ass to provide for your family and serving your country. Obviously I’m pro military so I might be biased but military or not you’re working your ass off and getting taken advantage of. I honestly wouldn’t be shocked if benefits and not having to work are the only reason she married you. You sound like a nice, great guy and she knew you were into her and used it to her benefit. I’d move on and find a true partner, someone who will support you when you need it and be there for you 24/7.