I’m so sorry for the long post
My (21M) friend Gavin (not real name) recently met someone and they’ve been flirting a lot. I don’t like his boyfriend, but that’s a long story for another time. When Gavin met the guy he’s currently dating, I immediately found a shift in how we talk with each other and it’s giving me so much anxiety that I am experiencing physical symptoms such as a heavy chest, stomach issues, nausea, and a palpitating heart.
Gavin and I met in July of last year. As soon as we met each other based on mutual interests and life experiences, we clicked immediately. We were talking every day and regardless of how busy we are, we reply fast and we always told each other about everything. This meant gossip in the community, our toxic parents, our sex lives everything. It’s important to note that last year, we were still in online classes so it’s possible that a shift to onsite (or face-to-face) classes can be an attribution to our lack of communication lately.
But when Gavin met the guy he’s dating, it’s like there was an immediate shift in how we communicate. Suddenly, he’s not as communicative anymore, he doesn’t share stories about himself anymore (when usually I’m the first one he tells stories to), and instead of a symbiotic relationship where we can both reach out first, I’ve been feeling like I’m the only one making the effort in the friendship.
There are three significant events I can think of that’s causing my anxiety to go haywire. First is, he is refusing to tell me any stories about him and the guy he’s dating. I didn’t think much of it, because when I date other people I don’t tell him stories too. I have this superstitious belief that if I told anyone that I’m dating someone, it won’t come true. I thought he just adopted this superstitious thinking of mine. But, he’s been telling our mutual friend about his experiences with the guy. But again, they both dated the guy, so maybe the two of them are bonding through the guy, and he feels like I can’t relate to him. He’s not like this with the other guys he saw in the past, maybe he’s also trying to prevent sharing stories that will make me hate the guy he is seeing even more (the guy is notorious for being a prolific cheater).
There was also that time when, the last event was when I invited him to drink with me. This one is 100% my fault. I invited him to drink on a Friday and he said he can’t because of class, also I never clarified which Friday. Then, he told me he was going out to drink on September 16, which gave me a full-blown panic attack. That was the date I had in mind. When I told him this, he said I never clarified which date I wanted to drink. He thought I was inviting him to drink on September 23. I read our convos, and he was correct, I was the one who was wrong. He was nice enough to apologize though and said my feelings are valid, said that we both need to start communicating properly (he never put the blame on me) and that from now on he’ll think more of me when it comes to friendly social events.
Lastly, is when I saw him tweet that the guy he’s hooking up with (not the guy he’s dating, also the guy he’s dating is fully aware that he’s still hooking up) used him to cheat on his partner. That sounded like something he would immediately tell me in the past. When I brought it up, he said he suppressed the memory and didn’t want to talk about it. That’s when it cemented to me that something really did change.
I know it seems so pathetic and petty, but fuck my paranoia and anxiety won’t decrease whatsoever since he started dating this guy and there was a shift in our dynamics. I don’t even mind if we don’t talk every day, cause there were times we don’t talk for a week, but he’s showing a lack of interest in our conversations lately (or idk, maybe it’s just my anxiety blowing this out of proportion). Since he started dating this guy though, I’ve had several reassurances that nothing was going to change. First, was when our mutual friend (the guy he’s telling his stories to), said that Gavin is not comfortable declaring that they’re boyfriends because all three of us (there are four of us in our friend circle) hate the guy he’s seeing. Second, when he said that going forward after the drinking incident he’ll think more about me when he goes to social events. Third, is when he told me that he is still excited to celebrate my birthday and New Year’s with me.
Idk, my anxiety is fucking killing me with this. It’s important to note that I am aromantic, so the concept of romance and relationships actually perplexes me. To me, it seems like friends are more paramount to the guy you’re dating. I keep telling myself that there are other reasons why there is a lack of conversation between us and that things are just the same. First, of all, he has other friends from his classes that he is also socializing and communicates with. I mean, he’s not my only friend, I am also in the same boat as him. Secondly, we’re both senior college students, so he’s probably busy writing his thesis and all of his requirements in class. Thirdly, he is dating someone, and despite being aromantic, I know that most of his time and effort will start going to that guy. Fourth, he’s so tired from daily school stuff, his social battery can’t maintain a conversation with me anymore. I mean, again that’s a very fair assumption because there are times that I reply 5-10 hours after. Fifth, I’m probably overestimating how close we actually are.
Gahd I hate anxiety. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy all the time to avoid thinking of him, and nothing seems to be working. As soon as I am done with whatever activity that fills my time, I start thinking of how scared I am that he’s drifting away.
5 comments
I’ve been down this road so many times. I’ve always been on the ace/aro spectrum, not entirely comfortable with labels but I know that love and sex are barely on my radar. I’ve always lived and breathed for my friends.
I had a couple of close close friends in high school that I would blame them for ditching me whenever they got partners. But as time went on and our friendship ebbed and flowed, I realized that I was just filling their romantic needs in their single eras. I was so close to them and so intimate by nature but I just couldn’t give them physicality (not saying we were attracted to each other.) But when someone came along who could give them physicality, a label, and the intimacy: of course they stopped craving my platonic intimacy as much.
It sucks so bad and I still have new and old friends that this happens to me with. It sounds like this is your issue as well. It doesn’t make sense to me either but to people who aren’t on the spectrum sex and intimacy will always trump friendship over everything. It’s just something I feel like I have to “readjust” every now and again. A close friend is single, I expect to hear the minute detail of their day. Then they get in a talking phase, I expect to hear less when it’s going good. Then a relationship, I expect to only hear big things and understand that hanging out with me is no longer a priority and I will have to plan a lot in advance to see them.
It sucks.
You need to realize people will always have other things besides a friendship with you. A friendship is not a codependent relationship. But here, this friend is showing by action they don’t prioritize the friendship and that they are not interested in you. People eventually make time for whom they want to make time for. Unfortunately that’s not you here. You can’t force somebody like you or be friends with you. Let’s be real, you don’t even like everybody. That’s life.
On your anxiety. Think about what your it says about you. You are chasing, begging, and overpursuing somebody who likely isn’t doing the same for you. That other person is more than capable of doing other things in life besides talking to you, but you continue to sit around, do nothing productive in your life, and keep worrying about them all the time, when they are not worried about you at all. Don’t you feel embarrassed by that ? Also, when you are chasing and begging somebody, they can see your actions and subconsciously deduce that you are lonely, desperate, obsessed with them, and that you need constant validation from them. In short, they subconsciously view you as inferior to them. They will never respect you at all.
You need to understand this anxiety does not lead to deeper friendships. It ruins friendships. The more you beg and chase somebody, the less likely they will come to you. People gravitate towards somebody who doesn’t need them so much. People gravitate towards somebody who doesn’t put them up on a pedestal and is instead self confident. People gravitate towards somebody who knows how to hold a decent conversation with them and brings positive vibes and positive value to social interactions.
You need to be genuinely busy in your life focusing on your goals and hobbies while interacting with other people on the side. Chase excellence, not people.
Can you focus on other people in your life, forming new relationships?
Reconnect with him more directly/fully in 9 months to a year, when the bulk of the new relationship energy will have worn off.
You sound a but obsessive. Maybe it’s time to make additional friends and focus more on all the parts of life that aren’t Gavin or else you’ll end up like that guy in RDR2.
I’m in the same boat, OP. My anxiety went through the roof.
I (30F) have a guy friend (30M) who moved to another country for work but we still texted everyday, sending each other quite a lot of memes throughout the day, sending photos and selfies when we were on vacation and stuff. He would always text some random stuff even if he was out drinking with the bois and I would always get the good night text from him. This created the dynamic and daily routine that I was used to. Then suddenly, he started going radio silent for days. My text got left on read, no reply what so ever. I felt like he purposely ignored me. When I finally got an answer out of him, he just said he was busy with vacation buteven then, he had never ignored my texts like this before, so I tried to curb my anxiety, keeping telling myself that he was just busy and he has other friends that he was hanging out with and he couldn’t text me all the time. I gave him spae for 3 weeks until I was sure that he was not on vacation anymore that I tried to get our dynamic to be back to the old routine before but he was still being distant to me. Mind you, I still send him memes as usual but I limited myself to no more than 3 per days if he didn’t reply or even read them. Finally, he told me that he was also busy with dating. That sent me a dull pain that I would rarely hear from him anymore after he get into a relationship.
I feel neglected and hurt that he would ignored me like that. I even got bitter since it kinda felt like he only used me for companionship only when he’s single and bored then discard me like a hot potato as soon as he gets a new girl to spend time with. I confronted him about it that I was upset and hurt that he would drop our friendship like that. His reply was that he just didn’t send me memes as he used to and that I have to relax.
Nowadays, he still send me memes but only 1 per day. No more random chat but would still reply if I ask him something yet the answer would be short and quite cold. Not engaging. Not interested. So I match his effort in keeping in touch. I set his chat notifiation to low priority so I wouldn’t see or hear when he texts me until I actually pick up the phone to check it. I delete the messaging app (we text on Telegram and he’s the only person in my friend group that texts there) from my phone homescreen, so even when I use other social media platforms, I won’t be tempted to social stalk him or keep anticipating his text notification. I joined Meetup group to meet new people in my city, invite a friend to hangout at my place for dinner sometimes. when I am alone at home, I just play video games and watch some movies or reading so I wouldn’t focus on my phone and waiting when he would text me. I also recently tried to join some clubs and stuff for my hobby in the city so I wouldn’t be so alone in the apartment all the time.
I recognize that I have become too obsessive, anxious, attached and clingy on him, so I tried to shift my focus somewhere else otherwise I would appear too desperate and push him away even more. I decided that he would contact when he actually wants to. I won’t pressure him. I would send a meme back when he sends one but that’s it. Any relationsip is a 2-way street and you have to match the energy of the other person unless you will feel burnt out and bitter in the end when you put effort more than your friend does to maintain it. I keep telling myself that if they were truly your friends, they would always come back to you.
Cheer up, OP. We will get through this together!