My sister hates my boyfriend.
[TL;DR – My sister hates my bf, and is making me choose between her or my boyfriend. Currently asking for advice as to how to handle this situation.]
I (17f) have an older brother (22) and sister (25). Older brother passed away this February due to an accident. My bf (17) who at the time was not my bf yet, was the one who picked up my brother that day.
My parents were at first mad at him and his friends for what happened, but in the end calmed down and decided to keep the peace since my brother wouldn’t have wanted that since his friends were everything to him. And its not like they wanted that to happen to my brother either. The problem now lies with my older sister.
Me and my bf got together this july. We’ve known each other for more than 4 years now, and I had already forgiven him for what happened to my brother, as well as his other friends. I knew what I got myself into the day we became official, i knew that many of my family would say something negative about our relationship and I was prepared to face all of it. My parents and other family members have now accepted us except for my older sister. She message me a while ago saying it was either I cut off contact with my bf or she would be the one to cut off contact with me. I don’t want to break up with my boyfriend because after everything i’ve been through, i am now genuinely happy with him and where I am at. Losing him would mean losing a part of me, and losing my sister would mean losing my only pillar in this family.
EDIT: My bf and I have been in a dating/get to know you stage since 2+ years ago, before the accident happened. My parents were all completely aware of this since I tell them everything. They were cool with it, but just kept reminding me to always put my studies first and I did/I do.
EDIT: My brother did not die in a car accident, he died due to drowning. The reason why I said my bf picked him up from our house is bc that has been the argument my sister has been telling me: “Had he (my bf) not picked up our brother from our house, he would still be alive.”
EDIT: My bf picked my brother up from our house that day since they were going out for a drink with other friends in a private beach resort. my bf at the time was preparing/helping serve food so he was away from the place where my brother drowned at. they were all sort of busy preparing their items but my brother was having fun, until he drowned. we have no exact idea as to why he drowned, but there were a lot speculations like maybe he fell asleep in the water due to tiredness etc. After a few moment where my brother’s friends realized he was gone, they immediately looked for him and called the officials. They found his body far away from the cottage they were staying at, his body apparently moved along with the water tide. They were giving him CPR immediately afterwards, there was no water in his stomach. Which is why they speculated that he probably fell asleep underwater, and became unable to breathe, or rather was not able to control his breathing and therefore not inhaling any water.
13 comments
You say you “forgive him”, so did your bf accidentally but still through his own fault, get your brother killed? You’re leaving out the details of the accident so I can only assume what happened isn’t favourable to your bf.
I don’t blame your sister, if someone’s negligence killed my family member I’d never be able to be in the same room as them without being enraged.
~~So the guy, either through negligence or stupidity, got in an accident which resulted in your brother dying, and you both probably trauma bonded over this which resulted in you becoming his girlfriend?~~
~~If I was your sister I’d be pissed too. Forgiveness is one thing, going out of your way to develop a romantic relationship with this guy is a whole other level.~~
EDIT: original post did not specify when they started dating and the nature of the brother’s death. After seeing edit I think that OP’s sister is still processing grief and is lashing out.
OP, please accept my condolences for the untimely death of your brother.
Of course it was a trauma for your whole family, and kudos to you and most of your family members for finding the strength and tolerance to forgive. Your BF (let’s call him “Joe”) was just 17 at the time, inexperienced behind the wheel, and he obviously did not intentionally crash his car in order to cause your brother’s death – but it happened. Obviously Joe will have to live with that guilt for the rest of his life, grieving for a good friend who died way too young in an accident that he caused.
People grieve in different ways, though. Clearly your older sister still carries a lot of anger and a huge grudge against the “perpetrator” who, in her mind, KILLED HER ONLY BROTHER that awful day. You can’t change her mind about that, but time has a way of healing wounds and softening hearts. I would have a heart-to-heart talk with her, if she’ll let you. Tell her that you and Joe have forged a special relationship, based in part on your shared grief over what happened, and your brother would not have wanted any of you to sacrifice your own future happiness or family ties because of his death. Tell her that you respect her need to cut off contact for now even though it makes you very sad, and you still love her dearly. Add that when she feels like talking again, you’re available 24-7 – and you hope it happens soon, since you don’t want to lose ANOTHER sibling to this horrible tragedy.
Really, I think that’s the best you can do for now. Best wishes for continued healing, for you, Joe, your sister, and the rest of your family.
[deleted]
Can you imagine your best friend dying, you being 100% not responsible for it, and having their entire family blame you for it anyways? I feel horrible for your BF.
I know everyone is grieving but they need to also consider your BF is not only grieving, he’s having to deal with the guilt of everyone blaming him for something he didn’t even do. Cruel.
At first I was going to agree with your sister and say that she doesn’t have to forgive your b/f if he was responsible for an accident, but after reading your edit then it shows he had nothing to do with the accident and his involvement was merely incidental.
Your sister is placing the trauma of losing her/your brother and blame on him because she has nobody else to blame. It’s unreasonable, and she needs to seek therapy for this misguided blame, though I doubt she even thinks she has a problem (most in her situation aren’t capable of seeing it as it requires some deep self analyzing. Many people aren’t capable of that).
You are 17 years old. This won’t be your last relationship, probably not even close. It’s definitely not worth fracturing your relationship with your sister. Is it fair of her to blame him and throw this ultimatum at you? Absolutely not. But you have your whole life ahead of you and I can almost guarantee that this guy will probably not be a part of it, while your sister will.
Your sister (and the whole family to an extent) is grieving and behaving irratonally. There is nothing to forgive here – it was not your bf’s fault in any way and it must be terrible for him to have had to be apologetic for his friend’s passing that he did not cause. I hope you told him eventually that it wasn’t his fault.
Your sister probably needs more time. It’s on her to not take out her grief on others after the initial shock. I wouldn’t give in to the ultimatum. I don’t think your bf deserves to be further punished for something that *wasn’t his fault* and was traumatic also for him.
What exactly was this “accident?” You say he drowned, but that leaves out a lot of context. How did it happen?
Your sister is grieving. She is looking for someone to be angry at (anger being one of the seven stages of grief) and seems to be unable to let go of the anger. Her anger probably feels more comfortable internally than sorrow or abandonment (other grief steps).
It is not fair for her to hold it against your current bf. If he didn’t hold your brothers head under the water (obvious exaggeration) then she can’t keep blaming him.
The best thing for you to do is to sit down and explain what you are feeling with your sister and ask if she really prioritizes bejng angry at your bf over her inner piece /calm headspace.
It’s hard to answer this when all you say is ur brother drowned. What happened? How? Where? Was ur bf there when he drowned? Not trying to be rude but not enough info to say who’s right or not
I had a similar situation with some of my friends. Two of my best friends had some drama that kept building. Eventually, they just starting ignoring each others existence. One of them told me that if I didn’t stop hanging out with the other friend, he wouldn’t be friends with me anymore. I straight up told him this (I believe this is the actual quote).
“Dude, I’m sorry that you don’t like {name}, but that’s your problem, not mine. Honestly, I don’t think we should be friends anymore either. I don’t want people in my life who will use me to get revenge on other people.”
Long story short, I haven’t seen him for the past year and a half.
Is your sister being reasonable about this? Not really.
Would I choose a highschool relationship over my grieving sister in the aftermath of my brother’s tragic death? I’m not so sure.
At the very least I would not push at all for your sister to accept this/give her time and the space she needs. Don’t try to make her into the bad guy here. But if she cuts you out, let her know that you’ll be around when she’s ready to talk and that you won’t try and force anything between her and your boyfriend.