I don’t know if I (42M) should stay married. That’s the blunt way to say it. My wife (40F) and I have changed a lot over the past few months. Much needed. I was too withdrawn from her. I knew I wanted her and I wanted to fight for her. But, here we are today. She has a lot of self esteem issues that she is working through. She wants to do couples therapy and I am okay with that. We both have therapist but we need someone to help us communicate better. But, aside from that she has such a hard time showing affection and appreciation. I took it for a long time but now I just don’t know if I can continue. I want to be loved as much as she does. I don’t deserve to feel unloved. I feel too old to have these thoughts but I grew up in such a bad home. I am just not sure if I should even try anymore. It’s so confusing. It’s so hard to know when to just say “let’s move on”.
1 comment
What has changed in the last few months that brought you from loving her and wanting to fight for her to giving up? A partner deserves your time and attention so you worked on that. You deserve love and affection and she is working on her self esteem with a therapist and wants to work with you to improve your marriage (aka giving you the love and affection you need).
Change takes time and it sounds like she is putting in the work to improve things and willing to put in additional work with marriage counseling. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel loved. Do you honestly think your wife wants you to feel unloved? With improved communication you can express your needs and desires and work together towards a marriage that meets both of your needs, or to realize you can’t meet each other’s needs and amicably split. So while only you can decide if you should divorce now….it really does seem premature from an outsiders perspective based on what you wrote.
Childhood trauma infiltrates in ways we don’t always realize or fully understand. Take the time to work through that. It’s valid. And it’s hard and exhausting and confusing to work through.