I (22M) recently just moved to a new town to pursue my PhD and had all the plans for my girlfriend (22F) at the time to come with me to the college town. I knew that she wasn’t to ecstatic on the location of the school, and I let her know well beforehand that she had the option to live in her hometown or elsewhere and we could try distance, but she assured me she wanted to come with. We settle on a home and put in all the payments and made the plans for the move. Unfortunately, our current lease did not overlap with the move by one month and so we would have to live with our families for some time before the move. During this time, she became distant, not wanti8ng to spend time together, not having sex, not anything really but the occasional meetup and calls, which I at the time attributed to the stress of the move. About two weeks before we move, she comes over to swim and we have a good time. We went to bed to cuddle but the room was really hot, so I suggested we move to another room. She agrees and tell me to bring her stuff to the room while she uses the bathroom. I take her stuff including her phone and then the intrusive thoughts start to rush, “Is she cheating on me?” I then took her phone and looked at her most recent texts. And sure, enough there was a text from a Justin
J – “What did you like about last night?”
GF – “I liked it when you were inside me, what did you like about it?”
J – “I liked when you were on top and I could smack your ass”
This was all I could read before my heart dropped, and I couldn’t read anymore. How?? After all our commitment, after all our promises, our highs, and lows for the past 3.5 years down the drain. She walks up the stairs and I immediately confront her, “Who is Justin?” Her, “Who??” I show her the texts, and she tells me that it’s a girl from her work named Justine. and that there is an ongoing joke that a guy named Justin trades names with Justine as a joke. I keep asking questions and she runs out of the house and leaves. I call her over and over, saying we need to talk, and she just brushes me off. Later in the dead of the night I get a call from her saying “I don’t think I can go with you, and I think I’m a lesbian.” I tell her why she tells me this now, and that its still cheating on me and she should have ended it between us earlier. I suggest that we should sleep then talk the next day. The next day we talk, and I ask her if she still wanted me, and she said yes and that she want to continue on the move. I told her we could try to expand our range in the bedroom or try bringing someone into it so that she could satisfy her sexual desires, but she needs to stop now, and we can work things after the move. She starts to yell and complain saying she needs space and that she can’t promise that she’ll stop having sex. I tell her this is ridiculous and if she can’t stay loyal after the fact that I caught her lying and cheating on me then it’s over. She starts to cry and tells me that she remains loyal and will cut connections with “Justine”. I left about a week before her to the new town. During this time, I gave her the space she requested under the promise that she would cut ties and be loyal. She came to the new town the next week and drops off her stuff then had a planned trip to New Orleans (which I knew about well before hand). She mistakenly left her laptop, which so happened to be connected to her phone messages. OH boy was that a treasure trove of shit. Apparently, she had cheated on me by a man (M35) named Justin for the past month before we moved. She had sex often and was graphic in their texts. She never texted me like this because she was “not confident”. I started to line up the dates and the night after I caught her and the night, we had our talk about her being loyal to me, she had a hotel room rented out where they would have “fun” that resulted in her getting plan B. I was on fire with fury. I told her what I found and ended it with her. She would come back from her trip, and I made her leave immediately. I spilled the beans in her family group chat and set the flams in her family. I heard from some of her family members they love me and that they were so sorry and ultimately cut ties with her. I feel bad that she basically lost all her family, but I feel this is just a cause of her actions. How do I move on from this, I wanted to be with her and really loved her. I still feel like I have love to give, but no one to give it to, I feel like I’m fairly confident and its not like I don’t love myself. I’ve been going to the gym and spending time for myself. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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TLDR: GF cheated on me for a month before we were supposed to move together. I told her family and they have cut ties with her.
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EDIT: Thank you all for the kind words and advice. I have taken it and blocked her on everything. Imma keep moving forward and occupy my time for myself. Hope you all have a good day 🙂
28 comments
Dude she is 22 with a 35 yo. He can take care of her. Old saying. Okay stupid games win stupid prizes. Not your fault what her family does. Support her or not. She caused this man.
Dude, that ex gf of your fucking sucks, she cheated, she caused the shit storm now she can deal with it. You focus on yourself and leave her behind because she aint trustworthy at all. You deserve better so go get it.
Updateme!
Tell the family to not cut ties with her. 22 is young enough to be stupid; she deserves forgiveness from family.
And tell them to do it for your sake if not for hers.
BTW she is probably gonna get dumped by him in the future and she will likely come back running to you. If that happens stay strong and away from her.
Just keep in touch with the family, block her and tell them you’re worried about her if it’ll help you with the guilt.
The reality is she made the bed so she can sleep in it. If they are her family then she’s their responsibility now (and whoever she decides to fuck) – it sure as shit isn’t your problem anymore.
Block her on all social media, and move on with your life.
Why don’t you focus on your studies for a year and forget relationships. Get yourself back to a good place, then when you feel confident with where you’re at, seek out a partner.
Concentrate on you and only YOU for the time being! Heal, try to stay healthy, have fun with real friends and live your life looking forward, not backwards!
Honestly speaking, why are you worried about her now? She just cheated on you cold hearted. I’m not saying you shouldn’t, but don’t worry bout her boss. You should take care of yourself now. You should keep yourself b4 your ex or anyone now , regarding the mental health. And let her suffer mahn, if she cheats on you, she should also be prepared for consequences. I dont think 22 is being young to not suffer any consequences.I would have honestly loved to watch the how but well you are a kind hearted dude so atm give love to urself more than anything. Block her, love urself and live your life. I’m definitely sure you will find someone who will love you as you loved your Ex or even more and definitely not cheat on you. Hopefully my words reach you❤️✌🏻
Your doing the right things. Work on improving yourself and you will build the esteem that was damaged back up. These feelings aren’t permanent. Just remember that.
Your title is misleading. You did not ruin her family relationship, **she did!!** She cheated on you, lied about it being with a girl and that’s she’s lesbian, told you she’d be loyal to you and cheated again that same night. I don’t know how you believed her lies the first time you saw her texts because it definitely seemed like she was talking to a guy. She didn’t deserve your forgiveness, I’m glad you ended things now instead of wasting more time on her. Some people just aren’t worth it.
You’re still young, you’ll find someone who loves and appreciates you!
A dude working on his PhD. No my man, you will definitely have a lot more to offer someone else rhan being a their second choice. You now have a fresh start of finding that next amazing partner. She’s is most likely set up for a relationship where she’ll get burned and learn “a lot” from. You don’t not owe her anything. Like seriously, not even your thoughts. Go be happy. Focus on your PhD and an aweseome future. 🙂
>I heard from some of her family members they love me and that they were so sorry and ultimately cut ties with her. I feel bad that she basically lost all her family, but I feel this is just a cause of her actions.
Don’t worry about this. They may be upset with her, and angry at her in the moment, but it might not be the case that they will cut ties with her over just this one incident.
Nah dude, fuck that bitch. You owe her nothing. She can go crawling to some other dude. And good on her family for not letting her sleep. They sound like good people who value you. I’m sorry this is happening to you. You deserve better.
Her family will eventually get over it. They are her family, you’re both young, the odds of forever are not great given the circumstances you both had. Trying to hold onto a relationship post college when the two of you are moving in different directions is tough. That doesn’t excuse her behavior – ending things is the right course in that case. But don’t worry about her family. They are likely to rally around her down the line.
Anyway, I say some of these things because something like this happened to me when I was 22. GF and I graduated, both of us headed to graduate school. Me back in the same place, her 600 miles away. We decided to try long distance. Year two she wanted to break up, but I doubled down and proposed. (yes, stupid) Anyway, a few months later she calls me and confesses to cheating on me. (I’m pretty sure it was to get me to break up with her)
I spent 4 months distraught, hitting the bar way too much, and spending way too much time in my softball beer league. But I eventually realized that the two of us would have ended up with incompatible life courses, and that we hung on after graduation out of fear. Within a few months of this realization I met the woman who has been my wife for almost 30 years.
You’re moving into a very new part of your life, and you’ll be meeting people who are more likely to fit the direction you’re going now. Keep your head up – the future is bright!
She not only cheated and lead you on, but made a story about her sexuality and how she wants to be lesbian, only for her to be banged like the hoe she is without rubber with some old dude at the same time. Good for her family not condoning her behaviour, it’s just one of the consequences she is about to face. I bet when the 35 old gets tired of her, and she is finally on her own, she will realise what a dumb mistake that was, and instead of being open with the guy who gave her everything, she chose to destroy it for ass smacking.
Don’t get bitter and think every girl is like her, they aren’t. You will find someone like-minded, who communicates with you, and appreciates you. You are young, you seem goal oriented and have a good head on your shoulders, so it won’t be hard to attract a good one.
I hope you’re not getting a PhD in paragraph breaks
She hasn’t “lost” her family. they’re probably rightfully roasting or shunning her. Actions have consequences and being a cheater should have consequences.
For now, focus on your PhD program. Give it time, she wasn’t who you thought she was, and you will come to terms with that in time.
Dude. You saw a message from her saying “I liked it when you were inside me” and you let her convince you it was to another girl? WTF were you thinking?
Anyhow, don’t worry about her relationship with her family. You had every right to let them know why you were breaking up and not let her paint you as the bad guy. Their subsequent reaction is down on them, not on you.
You seem to be doing things right post breakup. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and concentrate on that PhD. You’ll eventually attract someone who will hopefully treat you right. All the best.
As crappy of a situation as this is, you’re in a doctoral program with a HUGE life ahead of you. She’s just a blip on your life radar. Take this time to focus on yourself and your studies and when she’s still stuck in the same life doing the same things, you’ll be happy this happened before you got married. Live your life free, have wonderful experiences and enjoy life. Time heals all wounds and your responsibility isn’t seeing to her that she’s okay. She did this to herself. If she spirals, it’s due to poor choices she made of her own volition. She started it, she can end it and fix herself.
To the streets!
So she lied about being gay cause that makes it better somehow? Turns out it was a dude the whole time.
She gaslit you and treated you like shit, dont feel bad. Block and move on.
I’m just surprised you believed her after she said they were inside of her and she said it was a woman
Glad you broke up
You’re a doormat.
Ex of mine spent 6 months cheating on me with a married fella she worked with.
I inevitably found out, and kicked her out (she’d lived with me rent free for 2 years, I made a lot more money than her and was helping fund her university). She had nowhere to go but back to her parents.
She lied to her family and said she needed to get out because I was an awful abusive arsehole – which backfired pretty spectacularly when her Dad and brother showed up with the intention to confront me about all these terrible things I had allegedly done.
Of course, I had copies of all the evidence. Suffice to say this didn’t go down well with her family.
About 2 weeks later she hooked up with another fella (not the married fella she was cheating with) and immediately moved in with him (I’m guessing the vibe in the family house was pretty unpleasant). Both her parents and siblings messaged me a couple of times to apologise for her behaviour, which I thanked them for but assured them THEY had nothing to apologise to me for.
Funnily enough she span a similar yarn to the new guy about how I was awful and abusive etc – I have no idea why but he decided to find me on social media to write some bizarre angry tirade about how I was a piece of shit and so on… How I was responsible for turning her family against her.
I told him the truth about what happened and warned him to be careful. He wasn’t having any of it and at this point I was done with the whole thing so blocked all involved.
About 6 months later the new guy found me on some other social MEDIA (or he might have gotten my phone number somehow, I don’t remember) and apologised profusely for kicking off at me – apparently she pulled a similar stunt with him but the fella she cheated on him had taken her in this time around (I guess he wasn’t married).
Thing is – yeah for a little while, as you say, I did feel a little guilty about what happened between her and her family as a result of all this.
But it really was a very short while. Like you, I did nothing wrong, and it’s not your responsibility to fix, or even care, about the fallout from cheating and lies that happened. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
It’s a shit situation mate, and it’s going to hurt for a while, but I wish you all the best and hope you get over it soon. Take care of yourself, and good luck with the new school.
She fucked around and most definitely found out.
I actually think you are lucky you’re moving and starting fresh. Block her 100%. No social media, no nothing. Move on and, seriously, if you do nothing else, always remember that YOU DODGED A HUGE BULLET. Do you know how much worse this would be if it all happened a few years from now? After marriage or kids?
Go do your PhD program. Meet friends. Go out and have fun. Date a bit. Discover a new city/town. Make a new interest or hobby. Find out who you are without her. And just be grateful that YOU DODGED A HUGE FUCKING BULLET.
I think it’s better that you informed her family of her cheating.
She was cheating on you and was lying to you all this time, including telling you that she’s interesting in staying together. She showed to you that she can convincingly lie. Would you put it past her to tell her family that you were an abuser etc. i.e. spreading lies around to make herself look good?
It’s not like you spread lies about her. You just disclosed the truth. People who have integrity may not want to associate with her, knowing what they know now about her. They may have felt lied to had you not disclosed her true nature to them. Someone is family does not mean that a person is entitled to have their company.
Block her completely and whatever you do, do not get back together with her down the road. For all you know, she may come back and may want you guys to give it another try and may want you to forget all the past ”mistakes”.