So [25 F] I met this guy [26 M] on hinge and we clicked and became exclusive after 2 weeks and saw each other loads in the first month. He was the first guy I’ve ever slept with and he knew that before getting into the relationship I didn’t do casual sex and would only sleep with someone if they were my boyfriend.
Last night I dumped him because he had been flaking on me recently and not prioritizing me. We had a small argument about it where I told him how I felt like I prioritized him (cancelled plans with friends, moved martial arts classes, took a taxi when there were no trains) because I genuinely wanted to and enjoyed spending time with him yet he cancelled with my because he either wanted to sleep alone, clean the apartment with his housemate or see his friend. I asked him if he needed space and that I’d respect it and will give him space if he needs it but he said no and that he still liked seeing me. He said he’d be more mindful of my feelings next time but when we saw each other over the weekend, he never initiated sex the whole time and told me he told his friend he was going to play this video game even though his gf(me) is still at his. I’d never felt more alone in my life. He was there but he wasn’t present. The whole weekend he just seemed so distracted, always on his phone texting his friends, or put his headphones on to make music while I sat there in the background.
Considering how I told him how I felt about him being flakey on me this early on in the relationship (which he said was unreasonable and I should only be upset about it if he did it constantly 6 months into the relationship). He asked to hang out this friday but text me on thursday saying he can predict he will be tired on friday evening and would rather lie in alone to recover so he is seeing me saturday morning instead. That was when I called to break up. Bear in mind his last relationship ended because he only saw her once a week and wanted more time commitment yet he couldnt do the same for me.
Am I right or crazy for breaking up and making this an issue this early on in our relationship?
Edit: Forgot to mention he asked me what my opinion is on moving in with him (after we had an argument) to split the rent which to me was a red flag and the fact he smoked weed everyday and was pretty much stoned all the time.
TL;DR – broke up with boyfriend of 2 months because he couldn’t make time for me or valued the time we did spend together. Felt alone.
9 comments
Yeah, so you’re not mature enough for a relationship yet.
You don’t own him. He still gets to have time for other friends and video games, and he never owes you sex.
You shouldn’t be in a relationship where you feel alone. It was strange that he put on headphones to make music while you two were supposed to hang out. Did he say anything about that? Did you tell him you want to do something together?
On the other hand, some of your expectations don’t seem healthy. Absolutely do not cancel plans with friends or move your schedule around for someone you are dating! A relationship isn’t supposed to take over your entire life. You should still have friends and hobbies, and your relationship can enhance your life, not swallow it.
Cancelling plans often is not good. I think your were right to break up with him if he kept cancelling plans with you and chosing to ignore you when you hang out.
As for the initiating sex, did you initiate? Why did you expect him to? I’d look at that as well.
Lastly it sounded like you told him how you felt, and he dismissed you.
Overall, I think you did the right thing. However, consider my points for your next relationship.
You were doing way too much for a BF of 2 months. You don’t need to move your whole life around for a *new* boyfriend and it’s definitely not fair to expect him to do that either.
When you’ve been together under 6 months, you hangout when your schedules align. You don’t tear your whole life apart and move heaven and earth to accommodate each other.
You need to learn that just because you become official, doesn’t mean you need to be each others #1 priority immediately.
You do seem pretty unreasonable. You jumped right into a relationship because it sounds like you wanted to have sex, but you have your own personal rules about not having sex with anyone you aren’t in a relationship with. So you started an exclusive relationship with someone you barely knew.
Additionally, it sounds like neither of you communicated very well on what you wanted out of a relationship. It sounds like you wanted a fulltime commitment where you only spent time with each other, and he still wanted to maintain some independence.
You can break up with someone for whatever reason, but if you go into a relationship expecting that they will do nothing but spend time with you, you’re gonna have a bad time.
He doesn’t sound perfect but you are definitely being unreasonable. My friend broke up with his gf because she didn’t see him often, due to personal circumstances. 18 months later he’s still wallowing in regret and she isn’t taking him back. The solution to not seeing your partner enough is usually not, deciding to stop seeing them altogether. Clicking with someone is rare, you need to respect his needs more… Else be okay with him finding someone that will
Sounds like he wasn’t nearly as into you as you were him.
It’s k my 2 months…and he’s cancelling on you to “clean”?
You made the right move
Neither one of you sound like any fun to be around.
You sound clingy and demanding and he sounds like a stoner. Both of you move ENTIRELY too fast in relationships apparently, but you prioritize intimacy and constant attention and he apparently prioritized sex and lower rent with someone to “chill” in his proximity.
I doubt any of that was particularly helpful, but you asked so……..
I think this is a little of column A and a little of column B.
I agree that you were coming on far too strong. It’s great when we are in a new relationship and we are excited to be around the other person. But – it’s also important to remain grounded and to find the right balance between indulging in that and maintaining your pre-existing life. You should not have been cancelling plans with friends, rescheduling lessons and taking taxis. It’s ok not to be available sometimes. You don’t need to move mountains. Maybe you were reacting to the info re: his previous relationship – but he wasn’t expressing a lack of time together as an issue with YOU yet. Maybe you were trying to solve a problem that you didn’t have. It’s perfectly normal to see a new partner only once or twice a week for a bit. The lesson for you here is to try to exercise some restraint a bit in future relationships.
Then you kinda wanted him to match that same (unreasonable) energy.
That said – he should have been more upfront. Yes, he needed space. He was trying to strike that balance of still having time to unwind or time with his friends – but he should have been straightforward about that, rather than have you come over and stare at him while he played video games. Not cool.
Anyways – life is a learning experience and dating is like a dance. It’s about finding someone who is a good match – but who also wants to dance at a similar pace as you. You guys were clearly not dancing well together – so best that it comes to an end.
Likely a better idea that you dumped him. Being stoned all the time and selfish are reasons enough. Now, I also urge caution. If you end up with the next partner being too clingy or not clingy enough. The problem might be you getting bored with relationships. That would make you a heart breaker if you aren’t completely honest