There was a video I saw one where a couple of interviewers went around a college campus and asked both guys and girls, separately, if they believe that guys and girls can be “just friends”. I forget some of the exact details, but I do remember that all of the girls said “yes, guys can girls can be just friends”, but ALL the guys said “no, they can’t”.
I would normally assume bias in videos like these, but I read the comments and it appeared that they overwhelmingly agreed with what the guys said – that guys and girls cannot be “just friends”. As a matter of fact, there was a part of the video where a girl said “yeah, I have a couple of guy friends, there’s Bob, Joe…” and there was a comment with thousands of likes that said “A moment of silence for our boys Bob and Joe”.
Do a lot of guys really think that platonic friendships between guys and girls are not possible? Is it because of the assumption that guys who are friends with girls are in the “friendzone”? I personally know guys in my life who have managed to have platonic friendships with girls, so it kinda confuses me that there is this widespread idea that it isn’t possible. Can someone explain?
46 comments
Because we know ourselves and we aren’t interested as much in women we aren’t banging. The effort to be friends with a woman is much higher, as is the effort to maintain the friendship, than being friends with a man and the benefits are lower.
Opportunity cost dictates that if you aren’t getting sex, your effort is better spent making friends with guys.
A lot of men use friendship at a method to become a boyfriend with a woman. It’s a lousy tactic but does has a low success rate, so they still try it.
Meanwhile, us guys who actually do want to just be friends are constantly being doubted that we really are just interested in friendship.
i have tons of platonic women friends. former co-workers, my wife’s friends, my neighbor’s daughter, my other neighbor’s daughter, my sister’s friends, women i’ve been friends with since high school, women friends i made in college, a couple of my former professors, etc.
that’s only anecdotal, but maybe it’s easy for me because i’ve been married so damn long that i probably don’t give off any kind of romantic/sexual interest vibe. i just don’t care anymore, i don’t think about it at all. maybe women can pick up on that?
in my experience, good guys can and do have platonic friends. and those platonic friends are usually good women, too. mature people. respectful, honorable people.
A lot of guys know they cannot be platonic friends with women, and then also assume all men think the same way they do.
A lot of times people apply what they think to the rest of the world. They don’t want to be platonic friends with others therefore others must feel/think the same way.
Because if I can be friends with her, and I find her attractive, that’s all I really want in a girlfriend and trying to manage those feelings isn’t worth it
Also a lot of these friendships are just the guy putting energy towards the girl, the girl enjoying the extra attention and not returning any of the energy to the guy. It’s very one sided a lot of the time
I have some women friends but I kind of keep them at a distance while I’m dating someone, as they’ve expressed their interest at some point beforehand. It doesn’t bother me, but they usually push boundaries so I do it out of respect for my partner.
Most men aren’t looking for female friends. We typically tend to be more lonely and less vocal towards the opposite sex than women. Most of the outgoing “cool guys” are attracting women as mostly partners & not friends.
We aren’t likely to even start a conversation with girls we aren’t physically attracted to. Most the time they’ll be a friend working their way into something more.
Lastly since this one may be more a me thing than a man thing but a big thing that keeps me from bothering to hold a conversation with different girls is cause im micro managing how to make you the least uncomfortable. Be that not walking or standing too close to them etc
College campuses are full of raging hormones and horny people. You cant expect an answer reflective of genders there
Obviously possible and happens.
Think it comes down to the difference in internal wiring, guys are generally more visually attracted than women. Women are attracted to confidence in the main.
If a guy is single and he’s hanging around with an attractive woman as a friend It can be like a Christmas present you never get to open.
Probably because women think 80% of men are “[worse-looking than medium](https://web.archive.org/web/20131205025323/https://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dating/#:~:text=As%20you%20can%20see%20from%20the%20gray%20line%2C%20women%20rate%20an%20incredible%2080%25%20of%20guys%20as%20worse%2Dlooking%20than%20medium)”.
So if you think only 20% of the opposite sex is attractive, it’s probably easier to be friends with them without romantic interest developing.
Meanwhile, men rate women’s attractiveness as a pretty normal bell curve, meaning they find about 50% of women to be better-looking than medium, and the bulk of women to be average (2.5/5) attractiveness. So, men find a lot more women to be attractive than women do men, which means men’s friendships with women are probably more likely to develop romantic interest.
IMO, this is why women find it much easier to be “just friends” than men.
Every platonic friendship I had with a woman wound up with me having unreciprocated feelings for them when the friendship got close enough. It wasn’t on purpose, it just happened. It makes sense though since the romantic ideal, I think, is for your romantic partner to be your best friend as well. If the person is attractive enough physically for you to have a physical attraction to them, why wouldn’t you eventually want to date them?
The question is how many guys can recognize that impulse, understand that if you aren’t a couple yet then it will never happen, and then have the confidence and wherewithal to look elsewhere. It wasn’t until I had gone through this cycle many times before I rejected it and found what I was looking for in someone that I was not friends with first.
Men know men, women are often oblivious about us. And, I assume, vice versa.
It really depends on the person, but the most vocal assume everyone shares their feelings.
I’ve got multiple female friends that I’ve no intention of pursuing. Most of them are bartenders, so it happened pretty naturally when I didn’t feel like cooking or wanted to go out.
They’re pretty much the same as one of the guys. We sit outside, have a beer, and talk about whatever is on our minds.
But if you’re seeking more, it’s an easy trap to fall into. At the end of the day it takes self discipline, and being realistic.
the problem with platonic friendship with women is… women want attention more than anything else.
men want sex more than anything else.
so a platonic relationship with women makes you a sucker.
I have multiple platonic female friends and nobody finds it weird. Then again, I’m also friends with their husbands/boyfriends, and I’m not a very sexual person myself. So that may have a lot to do with it.
Because men knows how men think. Generally speaking, men will act like a friend, but absolutely will have sex if given the opportunity.
The reverse is not true.
Yes there are exceptions but it boils down to a difference of how one sees the other.
Every young guy has been “friends” with a girl he either had a crush on or developed feelings for only to have her reject him (usually in a mind-bendingly bad way). So they are going to say NO.
As people get older and become more mature its a little different.
Because we have more knowledge of dudes with unrequited feelings for female friends.
I have life long (literally 3 decades) of friendships with female friends.
I have slept with all of them at least once due to varying circumstances.
I do believe men and women can be friends, but give it time and the right circumstances, humans do just pop into bed with each other eventually. I’ve seen it happen a lot.
>Do a lot of guys really think that platonic friendships between guys and girls are not possible?
They are possible, it’s just a massive waste of the time in most cases. I had quite a lot of female friends in college (and these were actual friendship, not some friendzone shit; I didn’t want to sleep with any of them) and it’s nice for a while but it always ends up as an ordeal in a long shot.
I’m pretty self-sufficient person and I need some emotional support *at best* three times a year. Most of my male friends are wired the same way. Female friends? They often expect it three times A WEEK. So, we’re on the first category and it’s already a 50 times (!) bigger effort. Similar thing goes for favors.
Whenever there was drinking involved and I was the only guy in a group, they expected me to be some fucking guardian angel for all of them. Couldn’t have any fun, couldn’t flirt in peace with some girl I’ve just met at the bar, nope – I had to be a babysitter for three grown-ass women. Plus, whatever issues they caused, they felt no accountability the next day, I never heard a single “sorry for yesterday” from them.
If I tell my male friend a secret, I know he’ll take it to the grave. If I told my female friend a secret – even if I specifically asked her not to tell anyone – 8 times out of 10 the whole friend group knew about it in a week, and sometimes even some random ppl I barely knew.
Not to mention that once they get a bf and the bf is jealous, most of the time the whole friendship goes down the drain in seconds. Ugh.
After all this, sorry but since 2017 I’m friends only with guys and that’s it. Call me a misogynist all you want.
It is too easy for intimacy to grow between friends that are opposite gender (if heterosexual). If I have a problem, I can talk to a make friend…just may be venting or getting advice/support. With a woman, it could create an empathetic emotional connection, that could develop.
[deleted]
Because it might not be possible for them.
If someone says that they can’t do something, I give them the benefit of the doubt. Someone saying that they can or can’t do something has no reflection on my own ability. Men who can’t are in a different place than me and have walked a different path. If that’s the case, we may not all be at the same place from moment to moment in our journey.
I might not count because I’m bi, but I have several friends who are women and each relationship is strictly platonic. I’ve been friends with girls since I was a child, so maybe it was an upbringing thing? Just never had problems with it.
Also, as a bi person, this same dynamic can be on both fronts sometimes. Obviously most guy friends I have aren’t going to be into me, another guy, but the same kinda tension is presumed with bi and gay men for me as well. Maybe it’s just a lot of practice thats helped me lol
It’s just something you gotta keep in check. If you like someone, it’s not always worth fucking up a friendship by taking it to the next level.
Guys are wired to spread our genetics. If we make a connection with a woman strong enough to be considered a friend, there’s probably underlying reasons why. As in, we probably enjoy spending time with her. If there’s any sort of physical attractiveness there it’s a wrap, we want something more than just friendship.
I’m friends with plenty of women I never wanted to sleep with, but found objectively attractive. I feel like there’s a certain sexual chemistry that if it just doesn’t develop initially isn’t going to develop and when that happens it’s pretty easy to just be friends.
It’s on a college campus, I’d expect it to be heavily biased since most of those dudes don’t have much life experience. Pretty much all those dudes know a guy who caught feelings for a girl he was initially friends with, or they’ve been that guy.
The average guy 22 and under is in the mentality/conditioning of “every attractive woman I meet is a potential partner”, so the second they befriend someone they’re attracted to they have it in the back of their mind that they might fuck them someday. They’re that way because of again, limited life experience, and at that age they’re in a “scarcity mentality” of taking the opportunity of sex whenever they can get it.
I used to be that way but I outgrew that mentality around age 24 or so. I forced myself to remain friends with a female friend who I connected with but the attraction wasn’t mutual. It was weird at first, but I kept doing my thing and pursuing other women with the mentality that she was strictly in my life for friendship.
Believe it or not, during that time was when I truly leveled up my game and started getting laid more frequently. It takes a certain strength of character to be a guy whose capable of being strictly platonic with someone he’d otherwise consider “attractive enough to fuck”.
I’m a straight man and some of my friends are straight women so it is definitely possible
Assuming that “platonic friendship” means a friendship where neither person is attracted to the other, the answer is probably that dudes want to bone almost all of their female friends almost all the time.
I have lots of female friends. I always have.
But I would have loved to have sex with almost all of them if they were up for it.
I’m not going to, and I wouldn’t try to. But it’s not because we are ‘platonic’. It is because I am married. And before that it was because I had a girlfriend, or they had a boyfriend, or I knew that one of my friends was interested, or I knew that we were incompatible and it would blow up the friendship.
And that’s different from being ‘friendzoned’, or pretending to be friends with somebody just to get with them. I’m talking about ladies who were some of my closest friends. Some still are. I cherish those friendships.
But I still would have totally jumped in bed with them in the right circumstances.
Because the men are privy to the details. They know that if a guy is friends with a woman, they probably secretly want to be more than friends. They know this because they’re that man.
A lot of women like to lie to themselves and believe that their male friend is just a great dude and wouldn’t sleep with them even if they asked. Guess what? He would.
Think about it. How often do you see men that are besties with unattractive women? Almost never.
If a straight guy wants a friend, he’ll be friends with another guy. They are more likely to have similar interests (watching sports, golfing, action movies, crude toilet humor, etc.) and frankly, they require less “upkeep” in a friendly relationship. It’s not rocket science and it shouldn’t be controversial… it’s just how it is.
No no it’s absolutely true, I’m bi and so I dont actually have any friends at all. Yep.
Men can perfectly be just friends with women they don’t find attractive.
The only times I’ve managed are when they are married or dating a good friend of mine and they are categorized as “off limits” in my brain.
Otherwise its very tough to be just friends with them if there is a certain amount of sexual attraction.
If you did a survey where people were guaranteed anonymity, I bet a good percentage of men would say something to the effect of “ I would if be down if she was interested, but she’s not.”
Yes, they can have platonic friendships. I have 3 good female friends (ok, I had a crush on one of them at some point, but that was temporary). It is very much so possible.
They’re actually easier to talk to than other man for some reason.
Keep in mind I did not go to college, in the USA or in Norway where I live, so I’m strictly going off on what I’ve seen in movies and series centered around colleges in the USA.
A lot of the times in series/movies I will see Senior High guys talking about big plans with their friends about how, when they enter college, they aren’t going to remain virgins for long.
There are other various versions of this that I have seen, too, which makes me think that there must be *some* truth behind it all, meaning that I’m thinking that in the USA, boys seem to grow up and learn/adopt the mentality that either in High School or especially College, girls are not ones to befriend but to lose their virginity with and have sex with as many as they can to earn “credits” with their friends.
But, again, all this is just thoughts/theories based on a media aimed to entertain viewers, so don’t take it too seriously as I am probably very wrong.
I’m actually really grateful for my platonic friendships with women (even the ones I may have had crushes on 😂). I think being an introvert helps a bit with that, because for me there’s a difference between people I can enjoy spending an evening with, and people I could spend all or most of my time with. Some of my friends I love dearly, but they also take a lot more energy to keep up with 😂
(It makes me really sad when young men just CANT be platonic friends with women. Like really sad and hurt. I can’t help but feel like fuckin meat instead of a whole person with thoughts)
My boyfriend has matured but i know if I get any male friends that he doesn’t know, he’d be on edge. When i did have a guy friend from like 9th grade (im no longer friends with that guy because he was fucking mean and judgemental and i was finally done) he did not like him and was always worried that he’d “switch up” one day and try something. But he calls his friends my friends and doesn’t care about our interactions. So idk, for my bf it’s just about how well he knows the other guy? :/
I feel like it says a lot about how they view women. I’m a dude with friends who are women and it’s totally fine lol
I usually end up cutting chick friends off because she’ll try to abuse the friendship
College guys think with their penises–I’ve had female friends for years.
if there’s attraction they cannot be friends. period.
Because men know men better than women know men. It’s possible for sure, but more often than not there is secondary issues for sure.
I (M) used to think it was possible until my now ex’s male bsf asked her out 5+ times and she never cut him off. shitshow.
As a guy, I have had multiple completely platonic straight women friends, we hang out just like any of my guy friends, playing video games or watching movies/tv shows we both like, etc. However, that being said, every woman I’ve dated, including the one I’ve been happily married to for over a decade, began as friendships and evolved into dating at some point, some quicker than others. I have also discovered at least one of my female friends was in fact attracted to me and wanted more, which I was oblivious to. I also know one of my friends had at least three other male friends who ultimately made a pass at her, one successfully and they ended up dating and are now married.
So, in my experience, platonic friendships between men and women is certainly possible, though there is a realistic possibility of one or both wanting it to be more.
I’m only doing the stuff women do in friendships with somebody I’m intimate with.