I (23f) have been lonely for a long time.
I transferred colleges 1/2 way through and never made friends at my new school. The loneliness pushed me to seek therapy, face the trauma of having alcoholic parents, and stop relying on partying. In a way I was reborn on “fresh legs”… all-in-all it was good and necessary, but I feel like I never got my social confidence/skills back (or was it no longer having drugs/alcohol as a social crutch?). Also, my two most recent (like 2-3 years ago) best friends very unexpectedly cut me off, and one of them was emotionally abusive.
I have FINALLY over the past year or so started to feel a bit less alone, like there are at least people I can reach out to if I feel like hanging out with people. The biggest catalyst for this was realizing I had to initiate plans, especially in the beginning stages of relationships. However, rejection is still SO triggering to me. My mind immediately jumps to “youre weird/they dont like you/dont want to hang out with you/just give up and accept you are a loner”. This doesn’t always happen, but especially if I ask multiple people to hang out, and I get many rejections (even if theyre totally valid, which they almost always are!). I also get very triggered by being alone on the weekend. Having the handful of friends I have has done WONDERS for my mental health, and I’m really scared of slipping back into the lonely/depressed/(tbh) suicidal place I was in prior to having any friends.
The other trait I know I need to let go of is constantly comparing myself to others, and beating myself up when I see they have more friends than me. I know it’s so toxic because I always want to ask friends about their social lives covertly, just to see how many friends or how deep of friendships they have.. I guess deep down I’m hoping someone will admit to being lonely and struggling with friendships the way I do, so I feel less alone in this struggle. Can anyone else relate or share any advice?
tl;dr: need strategies for building resilience in the face of rejection, because I know that’s the cost of making new friends! Also any advice on not comparing my social life to that of my friends, and not catastrophizing when I dont have plans on the weekend would be amazing. <3
2 comments
i cant really offer advice but i was/still am in the same shoes!!
what really helped me that i found a girl who was ready to admit that she is lonely as fuck too. instant best friends. from strangers to best friends in two months.
go search. someone will admit to it. there are more loners than you’d think. introverted people are a good bet! they are usually too shy to make friendships but even they need social interactions!
I saw this video on YouTube where this guy felt like he was very sensitive to rejection so he purposely went out and would get rejected on purpose, kind of like exposure therapy. It works, welcome rejection. I think I’ve learned in therapy that rejection hurts so much because of some bullshit from childhood or something, it’s inflated. I’ve noticed that you do have to take the lead a lot of times if you want to expand your social circle, so rejection just comes with the territory.