We’ve been together for a year and a half now. It’s an arranged marriage but we’re in love. We’re in a very long distance relationship (separate continents) because I’m going to grad school in the US. We’re getting married in a few months, and then we’ll be together after that most of the time.

My last birthday, he sent me roses and chocolate covered strawberries and an Hermes bracelet, and we FaceTimed for two hours. This was a few weeks after we met. We were unofficially engaged. I thought it was cute, and was happy. We’ve gotten a lot closer since then of course.

For his birthday, I got him an Hermes belt and an iPhone and a MacBook because these were all stuff I knew he needed anyways. I also wrote him a poem- spent like five whole hours on it during exam week. I was in the US at the time, so I couldn’t do anything in person.

For my birthday this year, I was expecting something similar to last year. But nope. He was traveling to Europe that day, so I understand perhaps not being able to FaceTime for too long (although go he still had time to go to the gym in the evening after he reached the hotel). But he also didn’t get me anything. Just wished me happy birthday. That’s it.

I was so sad I spent the day crying. I didn’t want to say anything that day because he was staying with his dad and I thought I’d just wait until I wasn’t so angry so I wouldn’t say anything mean. So a few days later I told him calmly- hey I was really sad you didn’t do anything for my birthday, and you didn’t talk to me so I cried for an hour, you didn’t even get me anything. He goes how you know I haven’t gotten you anything? And I said well I dunno. And he said he’ll talk about it after he gets back home after the trip.

Now, it’s been five days since he’s been back from the trip. No mention of anything. I really don’t understand why he would do this. He’s usually pretty romantic. I certainly know he’s capable of it. What’s going on? Does he really care so little for me? How could he literally not do anything?

My grandma keeps saying don’t ask him why he didn’t get you anything, it sounds like you’re begging for presents. But I don’t care about presents for the sake of presents! I want love and affection and I didn’t get any on my birthday of all days.

Edit: I know he didn’t forget because the whole week leading up to he was like hey it’s gonna be your birthday soon! And kept asking me about my plans.

Also this really isn’t about presents. I can’t think of any material thing that I could want. When my parents asked me what they should get me, I said I don’t want anything because really- there’s absolutely nothing I want. Except quality time and balloons.

I just wanted a gesture of love and EFFORT.

14 comments

  1. Magical surprises are nice, but what’s needed is healthy communication. Here’s the likely truth: He forgot about it, told to a tale to delay and now he hopes you’ll just forget. If you were only dating, this relationship would possibly be coming to an end.

    This long distance worries me because you two can’t get along well from far away–wait until you’re literally tripping over each other.

  2. Talk to him about your feelings about him doing nothing for your birthday and about everything else you and he can think of.

    You are ‘in love‘ right now, but how are you going to feel about each other when this feeling wears off and you wake up and come home to each other every day for 20, 30, 40 years or more?

    I’m worried you don’t know each other well enough to get married.

    Edit: Is if possible he’s stopped making efforts because you have agreed to marry him and he doesn’t think he has to try anymore? I’m also worried he was on his best behavior when you first met and are now starting to see who he really is.

  3. >I thought I’d just wait until I wasn’t so angry **so I wouldn’t say anything mean**.

    Is this common?

    Also, listen to your grandma.

  5. I would bring it up. Presents do not need to be as lavish as you both have done. Your poem is a great example. He could have done anything and several of those gestures could have been free, so doing nothing does not make sense. Wanting your future husband to show affection is not unreasonable. One thing is for sure, it does NOT get better, and will not be better when you’re in person.

  6. You should not have to question the love your partner has for you in a marriage. He should show it. But you have to decide is this something that if you communicate with your husband how much it bothered you that he would respect that and do differently next time? Or do you feel he won’t try to understand your POV and gaslight you? Sometimes a topic takes a few convos so I don’t agree with grandma sorry

  7. If he’s not making effort now, that won’t change once you are married. Start paying attention to how he behaves on an average day. Does he say or do little things that make you feel valued? If he doesn’t cherish you now, during the first blush of your love things will only go downhill once you marry. Honestly? He sounds like one of those people who only apply effort until they feel they have their partner locked in. Then, you see who they really are. Your Fiance is showing his *true* face now. Decide before the wedding whether you love the real day-to-day him, not the courting a wife him.

  9. My now-husband didn’t do anything for me at all the first Valentine’s Day we dated. I was absolutely upset about it, I felt very hurt, gift giving to me is a way to show love and affection. However, communication made all the difference: we had a long talk, and now he knows that I’m not going to feel loved if I don’t get any sort of acknowledgment on romantic holidays, birthdays, etc. it was only an issue one time. After our discussion, he’s done so much to make me feel loved and special on these days. His family was never that into gifts, even though they were wealthy. To him, gifts and “things” never had much value to him, because his family could always get whatever they want, so he didn’t think it was showing a sign of love. For me, gifts are an important love language to me. Once we understood where eachother was coming from, neither were upset anymore, and we both know each others values. I would try having a conversation about it, and make sure he knows this is important for you to feel loved this way. If he can’t make the change, then that means he can’t do what makes you happy.

  11. Its not that big of a deal, he was traveling enjoying alone time with family. You cant really be so selfish to think any man would break his back at the expense of a simple “thanks for the gifts”. Just admit your mad he didn’t spend thousand of dollars for a day you obviously care about.

  12. I would hesitate to marry him. If this is how he is acting when he is engaged and should be concerned about impressing you, I can’t imagine how much worse he will be once he marries you.

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