I’m going to try and be very to the point in this post. My (44m) girlfriend (38f) have been together for just over 7 months and due to some life circumstances it’s been a bit unbalanced for the majority of the relationship. I love this woman with my whole heart and there’s just about nothing I wouldn’t do for her.
Her job has been pretty demanding the past few months and I’ve been on hand to keep things going. I take a great deal of pride taking care of her and have dealt with our dogs. The cooking. The shopping, arranging the house so her friends can visit for a fun overnight. I’m actually happy to do these things because I’m able and also willing.
Lately, however she’s made some decisions that I’ve been less than enthused about. We had a date night scheduled ahead of a very busy weekend and rather than leaving work when she was done, she chose to hang out and people watch at the bar after work, leaving me to manage the dogs, dinner and setting up our at-home evening. I’m tired, too. I work, too. And I did all of that on the heels of a long day
More often than not, her job takes priority.
I realize this sounds like a small thing but I think I’ve been feeling more and more that her decisions often mean that I’m on the hook to take care of things.
I’ve expressed this to her. I’ve not asked her to change anything but that I would really appreciate knowing that she’s at least aware of what she’s asking of me.
Recently, she told me she took one of the last few tomatoes I grew this summer, tomatoes that I bought, planted and cared for. A tomato i had been looking forward to eating. She gave it to her coworker, a guy I’d never heard of before. It irritates me that something I did, for us, was being given to someone else to enjoy with zero conversation with me. Not until after the fact. I tried to be gracious about it because apparently he super appreciated it. I’m trying really hard not to be petty, but the idea of someone else I don’t know enjoying my effort, especially when I spend a great deal of energy making sure things are comfortable for her, bothered me a bit.
It bothers me because I’m not getting any metaphorical tomatoes from her.
Last night, i was a bit laid up (the first time in our relationship) because i screwed my back up. She came home from work and vented about her job. I was happy to listen but after awhile I realized she just needed to talk so put aside my discomfort and listened as best I could. She also explained that the one shining moment was this coworker who helped her and talked to her. She said that he’s such an interesting human. Said he always has a smile and makes her feel better. Also said she felt bad about giving away one of the tomatoes. Then clarified, “sort of”.
Just now, I went in to have a drink and she introduced me to her coworker. I said that I’d heard he really enjoyed the tomato. He said, “yes! Man it was delicious….she did a great job!” I told him (friendly and politely) that it was something I grew. He was totally surprised and it was just then that I realized that she’d given this guy something I did with zero mention of me.
I need some outside feedback to understand if I’m overthinking this. At this point, I’m pissed because I bought, planted these tomatoes for US.
My girlfriend hasn’t been very thoughtful to me, but clearly has the forethought to give something to this coworker who really appreciated it. And, I’m just finding out that I’m getting ZERO credit for it. Like, he was legit surprised I had anything to do with it.
It really rubs me the wrong fucking way. I put a lot of thought and energy into what she needs. I’m not getting that back and while I’m trying to be understanding, the fact that she gave something I did to someone else, enjoyed that credit, makes me feel really shitty.
I can’t tell if I’m being petty or unkind or what.
I’m upset but not entirely sure why.
27 comments
My eyes were getting wide reading this and I think you know the tomato represents something much more concerning here.
So you’ve only been together for 7 months but it sounds like you’ve been living together awhile. How soon after you met did you move in together? Sounds to me like it was way too soon.
She is in infatuation with the co-worker….at the least
It feels bad to be taken advantage of.
I have to point out a funny thing in your write-up. My brother grows tomatoes and stuff and my sister in law turns around and buys vegetables at the store.
People sure can find their own ways to be shitty to each other.
I believe you need to do what my mom did once. She went on strike. It was very dramatic but the funny thing is, she also included my sister and I in the strike zone (we were about 11 and 9), but took extra care of the littlest boy (3). We found out we could take care of ourselves and it made for a fun couple of weeks. And maybe it woke my dad up into not working 12 hours a day? I don’t remember that part. He was a contractor, it was summer, he had to make hay while the sun shone. Life is complicated.
I have a feeling your GF is thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe it is for you too? I don’t know.
Did he even know that she’s in a relationship? With you?
I’m sorry but she sounds horribly inconsiderate, neglectful of you and the relationship as a whole and treats you like a vending service that she has an unending roll of Free vouchers for.
You may love her but to her you are nothing more than a casual add-on that sweetens her path in life. You deserve so much more than this but you’ll never find it with her. Move on.
Rough, friend. Rough feelings, and it sounds like you’ve been putting in a lot of work. Like other commenters have mentioned, this doesn’t sound like it’s about the tomato to me. If it was, you could have a direct conversation about it more specifically, but that doesn’t sound like what you want.
To me, it seems like you want recognition of the effort you have been putting in and more confidence that she wants to be in the relationship. Have you thought about what that might look like? Would it be your partner cooking a few nights a week? Would it be more of her time? Is it her making an effort to make your relationship more of a priority than her job? That’s worth considering.
Something you mention a few times is wanting to be supportive and gracious, another thing to consider – how much of that are you doing for you and how much are you doing it because of expectations? You seem to be upset about this, and it seems like you’ve let them know why you’re upset – but are you sure they know where you’re at? It could be your partners mind is naturally more at work, and without more direct communication it might not occur to them.
FWIW – the last thing to chew on a bit, has your partner ever asked you to do the taking care of things that you do? Or is that something you do out of expectation. I once dated someone who had maids/help growing up, and she literally had never considered doing these things herself.
I wish you both luck in finding happiness.
She is absolutely taking advantage of your generosity. If you really want to try to work things out, you need to have an honest, blunt discussion about how you feel. But, honestly, considering it’s so early on in the relationship, no one would blame you if you just ended things and moved on. She’s not really treating this like much of a partnership.
And I have a feeling she told your coworker that she grew those tomatoes. Just saying.
I read your question as trying to nail down why this bothers you so much – I think everyone can agree this would bother all of us too, but the main reason expressed is “feeling taken advantage of,” which is valid. Another part to this, if I may project for a moment, is that what you’re talking about is real labor to create and produce things that don’t just magically appear – a welcoming home, happy dogs, homegrown produce. Things that absorb your time, care, and attention. You love this woman I’m sure for a thousand reasons I’m sure, and so it’s important to you that she SEE what you’ve created not just as objects and outcomes, but as labors of your love and your skill. I think the tomato incident doesn’t have to be read as potential infidelity (we’ve all had coworkers of the opposite sex who were great sources of platonic support at work), but she did take a product of your time and commitment and give it to another person you don’t even know without even acknowledging you in the process. That’s a kind of emotional theft, and the fact that she doesn’t understand the value of what she took – that it reinforces your feeling that she doesn’t SEE and value what you do for her – is its own insult to add on. I do think this warrants an honest conversation, not just about the tomato and the coworker, but about how you want to be recognized for what you do. There are a lot of decent resources aimed at women who traditionally handle “unseen work” etc that might help you put more words to your masculine version of this age-old imbalance.
A few people are focusing on the guy she gave the tomato to, but that’s not the point of your post.
It’s about the fact that your effort towards the relationship is not being reciprocated. I actually have this conversation with my wife a lot. Our love languages aren’t always compatible. I do the heavy lifting around the house and her job pays a lot more than mine. My love language involves acts of service and sacrifice, hers is… more subtle. She likes leaving me notes and isn’t always expressive.
I think you are upset because your sacrifice isn’t being acknowledged. Your getting used in a way that has pushed you to a limit. In return, your girlfriend has not only ignored you but taken even more than you have already given her. You deserve to get what you want out of the relationship, but your girlfriend may not see it. Her love language may be completely different, something you consider and act of love might just be a chore in her eyes.
It might be worth sitting down and telling her that you need more participation from her, and more acknowledgment. She may not be realizing it.
What’s with tomatoes today
There was literally a fist fight at my job today over tomatoes
she is probably in an emotional affair with this guy, possibly more since she is with him after work and leaves you alone. you need to have talk with her about boundaries and let her know that if she wants him to break things off before she cheats.
The tomato is a perfect metaphor for the disparate levels of care and effort in your relationship. I think it also stings you that she gave the tomato to this particular coworker, who she’s crediting with supporting her when YOU are the one truly doing that.
You sound like a great partner. She does not. Maybe think about if this relationship is even worth that much effort on your part? Why should you be putting in 110% for someone who is not even giving anything back?
sounds like acid reflux
I really don’t think the tomato is the problem, I think it’s what the tomato represents that is. This relationship seems (based on this post) very one sided and I think there are other issues in your relationship (some of which you do mention). I think the tomato represents more of what you are putting into the relationship, only to have it ignored/given away.
So, why is new boyfriend hanging out with you guys? I thought he was just a coworker that appreciated her tomatoes?
Stop being a doormat and she’ll stop walking on you. Everything you’ve said makes HER the priority. Why are YOUR needs unimportant, or even just less important than hers?
She’s taking cues from you. If you want her to treat you like a priority, start treating yourself as a priority.
I don’t get why you’re still with someone that isn’t treating you in a way that you want or deserve? And gushing about some guy to you is beyond weird, it’s frankly rude. She clearly has a crush on this guy that’s why she lied about the tomato to him too. So he could be proud of her. It’s time to figure out a way to move on from this before you waste more of your time.
Because you’re feeling like an afterthought in your own relationship.
She isn’t putting as much work and effort into the relationship as you are. If you’re putting in 100%, then she needs to be putting back in 100% as well. I think it’s time you sat her down and have a heart felt conversation about how you feel and see how it goes from there. If she is willing to work with you and genuinely try to change some things to make the relationship better, then I think it’s worth it to try to mend it. If she doesn’t, I say cut your losses and find someone else who will grow another vegetable next to yours so that you guys can both enjoy them together equally 😊
This mirrors the experience of many stay at home moms with working spouses who solely support the household financially. It’s pretty devastating and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Feeling like your own identity is gone and it’s now melded with your partner can make people feel burnt out and empty inside.
You need to be 100% candid with her. You basically already resent her – if you don’t address this soon it’s going to build up and eventually spiral. Obviously this is about much more than a tomato – the tomato is symbolic. You take care of her, water her, grow her, and then others reap the benefits.
I would preface and iterate to her though that it’s not the tomato itself that’s the issue, it’s the fact that she used the tomato as an opportunity to bond with this coworker instead of you and that hurts. If she tries to downplay your feelings or tell you you’re overreacting, remind yourself that feelings are NOT LOGICAL and that’s the reason you’re even discussing it – you want to make the feelings known, give her an opportunity to explain, and gain understanding about the situation. Try not to treat it like an accusation of anything and it’s about your feelings – however, if SHE starts overreacting and acting like you’re accusing her, then there may be something deeper going on that’s worth investigation.
No brah… she’s spending all her time WITH THAT GUY.
All the “work time” is him… all her “positive energy” is him.
She is using you as a babysitter and a home and accrediting some poser for nothing but being there while you put in the work.
I wanna say you need to talk with her… but seeing what she did with the tomatoe, I say don’t. Boot her
She isn’t seeing what you’re doing as extra because she feels entitled to it. You’re giving too much and the relationship is very unbalanced.
Not a psychologist, but in my esteemed and random stranger’s opinion, the tomatoes represent a thousand little things that you feel that you do for her, which are not necessarily requested, but for which you want at least acknowlegement if not reciprocation. You feel that your acts of love are not being noticed. You’ve let resentment build and it suddenly comes out as an obsession with a tomato.
Or it’s something about your mother, early potty training or a scarey clown when you were 5. To repeat, not a psychologist. I do getting the feeling that you’re keeping score though. Talk it out with her calmly.
The tomato symbolises that you put into the relationship but she just takes.
That she took it to give it away to a man with no mention of you is just horrible. I suspect she’s being unfaithful even if not physically yet. She’s not your person. You deserve better.
You’ve been dating 7 months and you already live together, have joint dogs, and you do all of the chores?
Why did you rush through this relationship like this? You missed all the dating and honeymoon part. You sound like married for 7 years, not dating for 7 months.
It feels like she is using you as a place to live and do all things for her, while she is working and having a work husband (this guy she gave the tomato to). I’d also be pissed about the tomato, to be honest.