I want to have a good relationship with my mum

4 comments

1. >Every-time I’m having great time with her, she all of sudden points out things about me that she doesn’t like.

   “Mom, this type of reaction is driving me away from you. Do you want that?”

   >I’m already very insecure

   I suspect you cope with anxiety at times. This may help: (if you’re less anxious, her candid remarks may seem much less hurtful to you)

   **anxiety prevention tip:**

   I think you’d likely benefit from practising ‘quiet times’ of 20-30 minutes of just sitting and Not dwelling on anything (a form of meditation). Very difficult at first (I needed to watch a DVD of nature scenes / a fireplace as an anchor/distraction to keep my mind from wandering). youtube has lots of fireplace videos. Others intone ‘mantras’ or focus on breathing.

   There are several benefits: better sleep, easier days (upsets do not hit nearly as hard), and I think that likely after practising “not dwelling” on anything, you’ll have better control of your thoughts and acquire the ability to ‘turn off’ your anxiety reaction to situations.

   At first doing this daily should work best. After awhile, only as needed. I’ve been doing this for about two decades and lately have only felt an urge to do it a half dozen days of the year.

   A useful lesser calming practice is to do housework routines for say five minutes at a slower (70-80% rate) pace — a form of ‘walking meditation’, which you may find similarly soul refreshing.

2. >English isn’t my first language.

   You write it better than many Westerners who use it as their first language.

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   >My mum was only 30 when she moved to the west.

   ‘Only’ 30? Immigrants move to other countries when they are infants, children, teenagers, young adults, older adults and elderly. And they are all capable of learning new things.

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   >And seeing her struggle fitting the new culture was disheartening.

   Did she actually ‘struggle’? Was there an effort?

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   >The reason why I cant be that close, is that my mum grew up in a culture where everyone was honest even if it’s insulting others.

   Is that really the culture though? Or is she overly-critical and rude because she just has an overly critical and rude personality, and no-one is present to call her on it?

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   >If I feel confident and send her pictures I have taken throughout the day, she will point everything wrong with the picture – “your smile looks weird here,” “you don’t look pretty here” etc.

   Stop sending her pictures. If she asks why, tell her that it’s because she doesn’t ever have anything nice to say. If she starts to protest and spin her behaviour as being ‘helpful’, just continue to tell her you’re not interested in being treated that way.

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   > I know she doesn’t mean anything bad,

   Are you sure about that? Because what exactly are her criticisms meant to accomplish if not to make you feel bad? You can’t exactly turn back time and smile differently in a photo.

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   >but I’m already very insecure

   Gee, I wonder why! Who ever could have contributed to you feeling that way?

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   >and I ONLY felt safe sending those pictures to her.

   Why would you feel that? She’s the one person that you know for sure will tear you down.

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   > It’s just, I want to be called pretty even if it’s not true.

   No you don’t, otherwise you’d send your photos to people who you had good reason to believe would call you pretty. What you actually want is your mother’s approval.

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   >She constantly compares me to my friends or people my age

   Hahah, I bet she doesn’t compare her parenting with their parents.

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   >I used to argue with my mum every-time these things happened,

   Big mistake. I wouldn’t be surprised if she criticizes you partly to keep you engaged and dependent on her approval.

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   >but now-days I always just go quiet and ignore it.

   Good strategy. Don’t fuel the beast. You learnt through experimentation that the ‘grey rock technique’ is one of the few ways to deal with this sort of nonsense.

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   >And it feels rude

   No, rude is constantly belittling people for trivialities over their appearance. If your mother actually interacted socially with people in her host country then I suspect her behaviour might have been put in check, but since you’re her only audience no-one has ever had the chance to read her the riot act and put her bad attitude in check.

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   > Our relationship is slowly fading away,

   Yeah, generally we don’t like having relationships with people who emotionally abuse us.

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   >I barely call her

   Good!

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   > and my mum is constantly the one calling. Every-time I’m having great time with her, she all of sudden points out things about me that she doesn’t like.

   That’s when you tell her you will not tolerate that behaviour. If she doesn’t listen, you hang up the phone and tell her you are not interested in speaking to her at the moment, and she can call back next week while she thinks about her behaviour.

   Your mother will only change her behaviour if she has an incentive to change.

3. Don’t send her photos. You know she is incapable of giving you the support you need.

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   I love my mom, but she is a fat shamer. Cannot help herself.
   Since we were kids, she’s made little sly comments about me and my sisters weight, random people walking by who she thinks are chubby (and often not even chubby). And when you call her out she gets indignant and offended and cries.

   So we don’t talk about weight with her, we ignore comments she makes and laugh to each other about it later. It’s not about us. It’s about her, her insecurities, and her projecting those insecurities onto her daughters.

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   And she may never change (same as your mom), so you need to do what you can to not put yourself in a situation where you know she will behave in a way that will hurt you.

4. And also find other people in your life who will give you that support and encouragement you need.