Hey everyone. I feel like this is a place i could explain my situation to and hopefully get some logical and helpful responses.
I come from a strict family where my parents do not allow me to have guy friends or date. I am so different from them and could never marry someone thru arranged marriage and continue on that route. I have been in a loving relationship with someone for a year but it’s hidden. His parents are aware that were are together and that my parents do not know and they have been nothing but supportive. The problem is I really want him to propose. I want to tell him to propose to me soon, but i feel that logically no one should tell their significant other to do something like that. But i was wondering if i have the right to be upset that he didn’t propose to me yet. He told me he is intending to but i get the sense that he could do that in a year or so and that seems like alot of time for me to keep hiding and it contributs to my anixety. However I understand he is still not fully financially ready to do such a step. But i am wondering what is the best way to deal with my situation since i cant stop thinking about it.
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You are trying to have your cake and eat it too.
You first have to recognize that your father is setting up impossible conditions.
It is not reasonable to expect a man to go out there and offer a giant dowry for a woman unless he has spent time with her – unless he is the type of man who doesen’t give a damn about the woman, and intends to treat her like chattel. As in ordering her to lie down and have sex when he wants where he wants, have kids when he wants where he wants, do what he wants, etc.
Possibly in your fathers day this was common and there were a lot of men like that in your cuture who would indeed pay large amounts of money to “buy” woman for marriage/sex purposes.
Since your father is not allowing dating, and requiring a huge dowry, he is essentially making it impossible for you to marry – unless of course he arrainges something.
That tells me he intends on arrainging something – probably is hoping to get a lot of money from some arrainged marriage with a wealthy family. Possibly he is operating on old outmoded ideas. Possibly he had to pay a lot of money for your mother and does treat her like chattel or did.
Of course the problem is that since the introduction of Western style dating in your culture, the men who are any good have realized that hey, we can have partnership marriages with women and figure out if we like them or not. After all why would you pay a ton of money for a dowry for a woman you never met because you might get one that you can’t stand having sex with.
So the number of men in your culture who are traditional assholes who just want a hole to put their dick into and will pay a lot of money for it, has shrunk a tremendous amount. No wonder your father is having difficulty finding someone to arrainge for you to marry. He might find some guy without a lot of money who will take you anyway, and he might end up doing that to save face.
Your problem is you want your father to save face. You want your husband who is kind and loving to go to your father with a ton of money, pretending to be a wealthy asshole just looking for someplace to put his dick into. Then your father can take the money and go to you and say “I found you a husband and he paid a ton for you” and boast to all his friends about what he did.
But this isn’t what needs to happen. What needs to happen is you need to go to your father and tell him “you are NEVER going to arrainge a marriage from me I WILL NOT marry anyone you bring to me, and I am going to date who I want and if they ask me then they will give you a reasonable dowry so as to meet the demands of culture but it’s NOT going to be some sky high thing that you can run around boasting to all your friends about how you “sold me to the highest bidder” If your father goes nuclear at that then you tell him if he does not accept it you are going to simply walk out of the house and immediately get married to the first man you meet and there will be NO dowry and you will tell everyone you know that there wasn’t one. Then your father won’t even get to save face.
If you can’t do that – you aren’t ready to be married. Yes I know it’s probably very scary. But your father is not being reasonable and is reaching for a past that does not exist, and heaven forbid that he DOES find a man for you that way because it will be the absolute bottom of the barrel man – someone that every other woman in your culture who is modern dating will have rejected.
You can also ask your boyfriend to ask his family for dowry money instead of trying to save it up himself. That used to be common in those cultures and if his family does think you are worth having, they will cough up some money.
I don’t completely disagree with the concept of dowry. After all, it DOES indicate a level of commitment from a man so it’s not all bad. But it is quite an easy concept to abuse, and the higher the expected dowry is going to be the worse and easier it is to abuse. If your father truly has your best interests at heart then maybe you can reason with him and figure out what the actual amount of dowry he is expecting actually is. Then you can explain how difficult it would be for a young unmarried man to accumulate that amount and possibly get him to lower it.
Of course this is an adult conversation not a young girl conversation and if you cannot talk to your father about it, then once more, you aren’t ready for marriage.