So he and I have been together for 8 months. We’ve known each other for a while before that and had a good friendship established before dating. Overall, we make each other very happy and I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else.
However, he is pretty close with several of his female friends. That wouldn’t be a problem for me in itself, but the thing is there have been occurrences with most of them that have led me to question his boundaries.
A few that we have discussed include hanging out alone at someone’s house (definitely no sleep-overs), no trips alone, no heavy drinking or smoking together, and no sharing about our sex lives or very intimate, private conversations. These go for both of us with friends of the opposite gender.
For the most part, he follows all of them. Except he recently has been alone in his one friend’s room to hang out. Which makes me uncomfortable but he doesn’t see much of a problem with. I don’t know if I’m being too much there. He also expressed that he wants to be able to talk about certain things that may come up with us with the same friend.
I don’t know what to do. I expressed this to him and he stated that he didn’t see anything wrong with their friendship, although they talk every day, FaceTime sometimes when I’m not there, hang out alone most often and at home, etc etc. I said I didn’t want to change their friendship at all, but wanted to share my feelings and clarify some personal boundaries bc I began to feel off about it.
He just got pretty defensive about it and misses my main point, saying that he felt like I didn’t trust him. It’s not about trust, because I do trust him. It’s about respect.
How can I bring this up again in the future and deal with it in my own head?
TL;DR: boyfriend blurs the line of a boundary with his close friend and overall struggles with initiating and understanding them
13 comments
You need to get over your insecurities and trust issues. Id get to a therapist.
You don’t trust your boyfriend.
If these are you boundaries you don’t have to compromise them. If he doesn’t respect them, it would be totally reasonable for you to leave and find someone who does.
The reality is, the preponderance of the time, if a straight guy and straight girl are close friends, one of them is probably into the other, assuming they’re not like, 11. So yes it is entirely possible that she is into him. The other direction is possible too, but he’s dating you, so let’s assume he’s attracted to you and not her.
But that can’t really matter. For one thing, it’s inevitable. You can’t stop people from being attracted to other people, and it is virtually guaranteed that both of you will have crushes on other people, even if you stay together forever. That’s just life.
So when it comes to trust, it can’t be about perfection. If you trust someone to be perfect, to never make mistakes, to always support you how you need, you will always end up disappointed, because even if you think you’ve found “the one”, we’re all still just people. We make mistakes, and even if we think we’re being supportive in the right way, it’s not always interpreted that way. Basically, you want to trust him in a way that is unrealistic, and you are doing it in a way that doesn’t allow him the latitude to earn your trust. How can he seem trustworthy if he’s never allowed to be in a situation where he could betray your trust? If you put these kinds of boundaries on him, you will never trust him, and you will always feel like he is about to cheat on you.
But trust is always a choice for all those reasons. We have to make the choice because otherwise, we create the situation we’re trying to prevent. If you don’t let him hang out with his female friends, it will happen anyway, and at some point you’ll just be pushing them into each other’s arms. But if you give them the latitude to spend time together, then you’re a great gf/partner who is trusting and cool, and that will make him feel like you have a strong relationship that he won’t want to ruin.
You have to make the hard choice to trust him here. But don’t trust him to be perfect. Trust him to be a normal, fallible person, who will disappoint you occasionally.
You are going to get the 21st century “if you don’t want your boyfriend hanging out in some other girls’s bedroom, you are insecure and/or don’t trust him.”
Mature, trustworthy adult romantic partners do not ignore respect. The point isn’t to just not get physical with others (that’s the freaking MINIMUM.) It’s to respect your partner’s boundaries, as long as they aren’t psycho. And not hanging out in intimacy-building situations with others.
Total denial of human nature lately.
I disagree with some of these other comments. Your feelings are valid. I’m not saying a relationship has to fulfill you in every single capacity and way, but it is my personal belief that your partner should be your closest friend/closest relationship in general. It’s the person you spend the most time with and build your life around, are most intimate with, etc., so I think it’s reasonable to feel uncomfortable with your bf being so close with another person, especially someone of the opposite sex. Again maybe some don’t think this way but to me if there is someone else in his life of the opposite sex he is that close with its kinda like (1) from his perspective, what boundaries are in place that make that relationship differ from your own, is it just not actually physically cheating? And (2) from your perspective, at what point does that become emotionally cheating? And I do get how that can feel disrespectful of your boundaries as well. My gf expressed similar feelings at the start of our relationship, except she wasn’t even stern about it. But since I care about her and staying with her more than anything else, and respect her, I made sure to respect those boundaries. I would try to talk to him about it in a way that doesn’t make him defensive, focusing on how his actions make you feel and whether he’s OK with that. Is it worth it to him to do these things even if they make you feel disrespected? If so, that might be a problem.
You have some issues you need to work through. Your list is ridiculous and lacks any respect or trust. It’s honestly embarrassing for you, so go work on it.
>A few that we have discussed include hanging out alone at someone’s house (definitely no sleep-overs), no trips alone, no heavy drinking or smoking together, and no sharing about our sex lives or very intimate, private conversations.
I won’t say you’re necessarily wrong for being uncomfortable, but you can’t dictate how he interacts with his friends. Those are rules, not boundaries. A boundary that you *can* set is that you won’t be in a relationship with someone who does these things, but you need to be willing to follow through on that.
Reddit isn’t the best place for this, they are just gonna call you insecure. And tell you that you should seek help. Most redditors believe if it isn’t obvious cheating than it should be allowed in a relationship. But most of them are single so their opinions don’t count. If I followed the advice I got from reddit I wouldn’t be in my 3 year relationship. But yeah just warning you of the replies you’ll get.
>A few that we have discussed include hanging out alone at someone’s house (definitely no sleep-overs), no trips alone, no heavy drinking or smoking together, and no sharing about our sex lives or very intimate, private conversations. These go for both of us with friends of the opposite gender.
Those are, by definition, rules. Not boundaries. Rules can be healthy and good, but the rules you two have sound awful. Just break up if you don’t trust each other.
Your boundaries are important to you but he has every right to leave the relationship if they don’t work within his definition of relationship. To most, being trusted is a key relationship element and that is not the type of partnership you want to undertake.
OP, I don’t think you understand how boundaries work. You need to actually enforce them. If you both agree on a boundary and he does whatever he wants behind your back you have to ask yourself if that’s a relationship you want to be in.
Did he agree to your boundaries and then disregard them? If so, you should not trust him because he’s proven himself untrustworthy.
>A few that we have discussed include hanging out alone at someone’s house (definitely no sleep-overs), no trips alone, no heavy drinking or smoking together, and no sharing about our sex lives or very intimate, private conversations
A few? You mean, there’s more? He needs to carry a checklist then imo.
> I said I didn’t want to change their friendship at all
(Oh, but you do.) She’s another female? Maybe she’s more like a mom to him. He clearly feels a need to talk with someone (about you), Maybe, you’d be more comfortable if you could push him into sharing with his mom and not this other girl.