I’m not a brat, I don’t complain about every minor inconvenience. When I do, it’s because someone really pissed me off. But every time I rant to my boyfriend he starts taking the other person’s side and I’m not sure if it’s because he’s trying to piss me off? It sure as hell isn’t because he’s trying to empathise with the person or be “nice” because some of it is really ridiculous.
I’ll give an analogy without revealing actual facts. An analogy would be if someone stole my purse and I got really mad and started ranting to him about the thief, he would probably say “oh I used to steal my friends’ stuff for fun too”.
I’ve spoken to him about this and gotten mad at him so many times because of it. But each time it happens again, not sure if it’s a habit. At this point I’m strongly debating to stop using him as an emotional support and rant to my female friends instead because at least they side with me.
Nothing against males, but I’ve noticed this same thing happens to a lot of my friends’ BFs, and my dad does this to my mom too. Am I the only one experiencing this and can anyone explain why it happens and how I can knock some sense into my BF’s head that he should be supporting his GF especially when she’s not even being unreasonable?
23 comments
I always take the side of my friends and gf. After the venting and things calm down, I think is the time to see things from another point of view, not when someone is upset.
If you already spoken to him clearly, I think your relationship will suffer without the emotional connection if he doesn’t change or make an effort anyways.
Just from experience, he’s tired of your complaining and negativity and low key thinks whatever you are upset about is completely ridiculous.
Maybe you are a brat and he’s just tired of your constant complaining.
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Sounds like he resents you. If you say he complains more than you do the same thing back to him. Not in a tit for tat way but in a way that shows him what it feels like to not be supported. Sometimes people don’t know how hurtful they are until you show them.
My boyfriend does the exact same shit and it makes me crazy too. Like wtf is wrong with you?! For example if someone cuts me off in traffic and I swear at (well, more about, not like they can hear me) them, he’ll say something stupid like ‘oh, well they obviously needed to get into this lane’. Oh right, well I guess it’s cool that they cut me off without indicating and just about caused an accident then 🙄. To make matters worse, if the exact same thing happened to him, he would rant and rave and start getting close to them and all kinds of stupid shit while I’m telling him not too, because of course it’s different when it happens to him
Yeah I have insight here. I do this to my partner sometimes. I think you might be kind of misunderstanding why he does it. It’s not because he hates you or even necessarily thinks you’re wrong. When she tells me about her troubles with her friendships, I try to give possible explanations for why they did certain things, the best faith interpretation of their actions. We sometimes get personally offended by people’s actions without realizing their sometimes fairly harmless motivations that caught us in the crossfire.
It’s super natural to feel that way, but with an outside perspective we should be able to see a little bit why our atittudes are toxic.
Having a yes man nod and say “Yes god you’re so right that person is a douchebag” may feel good but it’s not constructive and depending on who you’re talking about it can be very toxic
Now I’m not saying at all that’s what’s happening, but that’s why I do what I do. That or I might take the other party’s side if I genuinely thought my partner was in the wrong.
Lol my fiancé’s brother is like that. They just enjoy being contrarian or playing devils advocate.
It messes with your peace to have to defend your argument to someone who shouldn’t be arguing with you!
I take sides with the other person sometimes when my husband is upset. I think I do it for multiple reasons:
1. He gets angry a lot over little stuff that he shouldn’t make a big deal over like another driver
2. He is personally offended over little things like someone is intentionally not saying hi to him when it could be they were just focused on something else while they were grocery shopping and didn’t notice him
3. He is rude about people in front of my children and He doesn’t care about the kind of example he is showing them with his complete lack of empathy and inability to see that he might be in the wrong, and insulting people
4. He himself makes the same mistakes he is so unforgiving about in other people
5. I defend my kids when he is too hard on them
6. I would like him to be a nicer person and occasionally he is able to see my point when I give him my insight
I used to do this and didn’t realize. I would play Devil’s advocate all the time. Finally my friend said to me “you’re never just on my side. I don’t need a debate partner”
At the time I was hurt, but I walked away and thought about it and realized she was right – I did always want to approach every situation as a judgement or a debate, when all she wanted was for me to care about her and express loyalty and concern.
My ex was a notorious devil’s advocate, which sometimes can be helpful but is more often than not a nuisance in relationships. If he doesn’t change and understand the difference between situations where he can provide advice/a new perspective and situations where he should just be a supportive listener, I would personally reconsider the relationship. Definitely tell him how important this is to you. In the meantime, seek out support from people you feel will give you the support you need.
My dad is like that. I’ve also had lots of male friends that are like that. I don’t know what it is with some men and their incessant need to play devils advocate. It’s almost like they enjoy being trolls and getting a rise out of people.
I’m guilty of this. And it is really hard for me to stop. The reason is because it makes me feel better when I’m complaining. If I can see even just a little bit of a reason why someone did something a certain way or why something happened, I can better cope with it. Even if it’s something extreme like, maybe they are damaged because their mom did drugs while in the womb.
I’m guilty of the exact same thing- I acknowledge why my girlfriend doesn’t appreciate it, and yet I still do it unknowingly. I also believe it to very rarely be a negative thing. This is because whenever I oppose her, I am doing so TRUTHFULLY, and because I don’t agree with something. Honesty is the key here, if what he’s opposing isn’t true to him, then that’d be a huge issue.
Communicate it with him.
Although bear in mind, while he should definitely support you when you need to vent about something, you need to be prepared to accept criticism if your belief is toxic or harmful.
But I find it very hard to believe that was always the case for you. He’s likely very argumentative, and enjoys debating about things. Communicate with him about it and let him know how you feel. He likely hasn’t realized it.
Of course, it could also be possible there’s something else, less pleasant going on. Again, you’ll only know if you communicate. We don’t know what he’s thinking.
Cause you the one complaining, Its important to hear the other perspective even if women hate it
I (31F) do this to my fiance mainly because
I find compaints/venting very burdensome and non progressive so I do present another person’s POV or reframe. Yes he has expressed the same frustration as you.
I’m ready for the down votes but I don’t understand how people don’t just be direct and address the issue with the actual person involved instead of venting to their partners? Like we have had a big day full of problems too. We don’t need your venting or complaints that you probably won’t resolve.
Frankly, I wouldn’t put up with that shit. If my husband leaped to the other person’s defense whenever I was mistreated or taken advantage of, I’d have kicked him to the curb years ago.
You can be single and fight your battles alone in life. If you’re STILL doing it alone even though you’re in a relationship, then what’s the point? Better a thousand enemies outside the house than one inside, and if he always kicks you when someone else has you down, then you have been infiltrated. Sorry.
He’s probably being self-unaware and should definitely be checked on it. No question. You’ve identified a pattern.
But also… do you rant often, and is it angry-sounding? If so, that can be uncomfortable for the person on the other end; the way some people rant, they’re yelling at you for an extended period of time, and it can feel really aggressive; it can be triggering.
Your man **might** be arguing with you or siding with the other party because he’s triggered. Even if he’s not the target of the rant, he’s kind of in the hot seat, effectively a proxy for the thing you’re upset at.
Still, this sounds like a really frustrating experience for you. Can you think of a different way to both achieve catharsis and engender your partner’s support?
Its more than likely there is an aspect of you that he has a problem with under the surface. Which needs to be resolved. I am guilty of playing the devils advocate with my mums venting because we have had a very coloured relationship so sometimes my experience of her colours my judgement badly, even when she is venting about something that is perfectly OK. It is really hard to stop.
They often do this, and then want our empathy. Pfft
My bf also does this shit constantly!! I’ll complain about, say, my coworkers slacking off and leaving me to do their work and he’ll take their side and be like “maybe they’re just tired, you don’t know what they’re going through, etc etc” instead of sympathizing with me! Or I’ll complain about a disagreement with a friend and he’ll tell me what I have done better or how HE would have handled it.
I’m not advising you to leave him, necessarily, but in my case, I’ve tried to talk this over and tell him how trivializing this is because it assumes he knows better than I. Nothing has changed, and I do plan on leaving if nothing does. I also feel similar to you in the sense that I don’t go to him with issues anymore and find myself censoring myself because I know what he’ll say, and it won’t be sympathy. But that’s not great, bc we should be able to say what we’re thinking, right? If this is bearing on you enough to post here, def talk about it! But if the issue is still there, then you know your answer.
Sounds like my sister in law. Can’t say ANYTHING without her playing devils advocate, disagreeing, or even if she does agree it’s followed with a “but.”Needless to say hanging out with her is exhausting so I try not to do that much. can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone like that. She’s not a bad person, just a self titled “contrarian,” and it’s… frustrating to say the least.