My (25) partner (29) is very condescending and hurtful and I’m finding it almost impossible to walk away

The relationship has too much context to write down, so will of course be missing details here and there; so please refrain from harsh judgments towards myself if that’s ok. I’m currently falling in and out of sleep at my computer, trying not to cry.

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To summarise the situation: our 1 year anniversary is coming up soon, and while our relationship has been rocky here and there, we have also had some extremely amazing times together and have bonded in a way I’ve not been able to bond with any other; we know each other so well, have the best laughs together, and are so synchronised that we very often find ourselves saying the same thing at the same time as each other, making the same pose or movement, or the same noise as the other. We also hold a lot of the same views, and just in general love each other very deeply.

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She has been so loving, caring and considerate to me albeit our struggles; which is why I’m at such a loss here. She has moved out and is currently with her parents. It took some convincing, but we initially decided to take a break and go to therapy to improve our health and hopefully the relationship as a whole. The problem is that obviously the current situation is very volatile, and over the past few days she’s said some very nasty things to me out of anger, like that she hates me, that she never wants to see me again and that she doesn’t want to be with me (she said much worse, but I can’t bring myself to say it here). My dilemma is that we had this occur once before, and

1) while I was at fault for half of the problems that occurred in order for her to choose to move out back then, she knew she had me wrapped around her finger and was condescending in that she told me I had to prove to her that I’d gotten better in order for her to move back- as though I had no grievances with her behaviour; she made it seem like I was the only problem

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And 2) when she moved back after a couple of weeks she was the sweetest and most kind person I’d ever seen. Our love is extremely strong, which is why I so stubbornly persisted in spite of her foul language and the nasty things she was saying (when separated and trying to negotiate terms within which we could remain a couple). I knew she genuinely loved me with all that she was; and the promise rings we’d gotten last year were a symbol of this. Of a commitment to love the other “forever and always” (we often say “I love you forever and always” or that we love each other to the moon and back). We’re very sentimental people

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She’s repeating it again; the one-sided behaviour, talking down to me, letting me know that she doesn’t have hope that I have the ability to improve my mental health enough for us to remain a couple. She even thinks I’ll slip back were I to get better and go back to old habits- as though she’s some angel herself. She’s repeating it, and I’m not sure if the break is on anymore.

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But the issue is I know that the way she’s treating me right now is wrong, and I know it’s wrong of me to be a doormat like this. But the amount she listened to my wants and needs, the amount of adoration she had for me, the amount she helped around the house, and the amount of respect (even going so far as to tell me without any hesitation that she wouldn’t invite anyone I didn’t know to our house, and that if I was uncomfortable with ANY of her friends, she wouldn’t invite them over. Things like that). It’s doing my head in and I can’t seem to take any control in the situation here.

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Regarding the break, I told her that I needed to know that we were working towards a common goal and that she sincerely wanted a relationship with me were I to improve my mental health enough. But all I got in response was that she wasn’t going to reassure me like a child every 5 minutes. See, before and during the negotiation of the break and later the terms of it, she would so easily throw hatred towards me, but couldn’t so little as say “I want that too” after I told her that I hoped we could start the break off on a positive note, confident that we’re working towards a common goal and that we want the same thing; to be better and to love once again under healthier circumstances.

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I don’t know why I’m being so relentlessly stubborn here. We genuinely both believed that the other was “the one” for us, and also bonded and communicated on such a deep level regarding love, life and happiness. We call my dog her son, and have had so many great moments together with him (both in annoyance, adoration, and love for how beautiful and intelligent he is. We used to call ourselves a family and even had promise rings). Neither of us wanted children, so take our rolls as the parents of my dog very seriously.

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I apologise for rambling and for being all over the place, I haven’t slept much and wanted to get this out probably mostly for catharsis- albeit having taken a sleeping pill a couple of hours prior. I can feel it working, so may go cry myself to sleep with my dog. Hopefully I don’t cry though

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Do you think I’m being a doormat? And how would you advise I proceed going forward?

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As far as I know, she’s coming tomorrow to pick up a small suitcase of belongings to take back to her parents’. I’ll know more about the situation then. But for now am in limbo and am in so much pain, due to her having such a duality. To add to the situation she is autistic, has ADHD and most likely also borderline personality. It makes it difficult as there is no routine with us, and she’ll tell me she’ll do one chore while I’m at work, but end up doing another (which frustrates me, as it tends to be that she’ll tell me she’ll do the dishes “tomorrow”, and I’ll get back from work and they won’t be done. The problem is she’ll end up doing the laundry wonderfully, but there’s almost always a large amount of metal utensils and things that are at risk of going rusty waiting to be washed and dried. She also sleeps in to high heaven on the occasion and doesn’t always listen to me when I communicate that I want her help grocery shopping or with some other task that requires going out; possibly due to her autism and her only having half a day to a day’s notice. But that’s ridiculous. I hate it as I’m the only one who drives, which makes me feel like I’m doing the bulk of the hard work, and it hurts as I have to drive us places after work if we go anywhere (which I consent to albeit it usually taking the wind out of me, thus making it harder to function optimally at work). I’m not saying I don’t like taking her out, as we’ve had brilliant times together and have had some great dates. It’s just that at times it gets tiring. On an unrelated note, she agreed to let me teach her how to drive once she passes her test, and I said she could use my car- not that I know if it’ll ever go ahead anymore.

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Do you have any advice here? (that preferably involves her and I staying together). I want us to remain together and to complete the break while going to respective psychologists for help. But most of all I would also appreciate advise on how to control the situation, and how to stop the condescension coming from her. I know demanding respect never works, but is there any other angle you could see me coming from? Or is it a lost cause at this point?

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TLDR: my partner moved out and the relationship is in limbo. I should probably end things permanently, but am finding it almost impossible to do

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Thank you kind people of Reddit in advance for any and all responses