Ive (14M) been dating my current partner (14 FtM) for around 8 months. Originally I knew they were genderfluid but I didn’t really think about it too often as they let me call them my girlfriend and use feminine pronouns.
Just a couple of days ago, they told me that they don’t feel at all like a woman anymore and are now a trans man. I of course supported them at first and told them I would try to use the new pronouns and name, just to give it a shot at least and not be an asshole.
The next day it really set in for me that I can’t see them as a man. I’m still attracted to them but whenever they say I’m in a gay relationship, for it to use their new name it makes me uncomfortable as I consider myself straight.
Today I went to their house to hang out, and at some point I lost my cool and just started crying, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell them why. What I feel the worst about is that they made me pinky promise that I would never leave them, which I obliged, but with my current situation I feel terrible as it’s kind of an unbreakable trust thing in our relationship and I don’t know what I’m going to do. I still love them as much as ever but I don’t know if I can make it work, what should I do?
TL;DR: my partner has transitioned to a gender I’m not attracted to, but I still love them. I need advice on what to do
9 comments
First of all, you are not bound by that pinky promise, and it was wrong for him to make you make it. However, he is a 14 year old trans boy struggling with his life, so I have sympathy. As a good person, you have an ethical obligation to treat him with respect – to use the proper pronouns, to use his chosen name, and to accept his identity. However, you have zero ethical obligation to stay in a relationship with him. If you aren’t into boys, that is understandable and okay. You can be a good person and not be attracted to boys/men. So, you can stay in the relationship when you want to, but if at any point you decide breaking up is the right thing to do, then you should break up. And I would talk to him and tell him you are uncomfortable with that pinky promise, and that you two are too young to be promising anyone that you will stay together forever, and that you also aren’t sure that this relationship is right for you, because you are straight, and you are coming to understand that he is a boy. That you are happy for him, and there’s nothing wrong with him, but that you simply aren’t attracted to boys, and you aren’t sure what that will mean for the two of you. That will be hard for him to hear, but it’s honest and necessary.
First and foremost, am not blaming you at all but you need to ask yourself this following questions;
Are you okay being a straight male but in a relationship with two non-straight people? Are you comfortable showing them to your own friends as your trans-lover? Are you comfortable talking to them about some truth and they won’t term you has an ass hole? Answer all these questions within yourself truthfully. After that, go with your guts okay.
What are your thoughts about being their platonic friend? Would it hurt too much to see them in love with someone else?
•You’re not obligated, even on a pinky promise, to never leave someone.
•You cannot change your sexual orientation.
•If your current partner wants to be in a gay relationship, he will need to date a gay man, not force a straight guy to be in one. That’s not how this(life) works.
***
When you are young, relationships feel very all consuming and super important. It feels like you met your soul mate and you swear to be together forever.
However, you guys are still in a period of brain development until age 25. You will grow and change in myriad ways, and it’s often impossible to grow together in ways that would like the relationship go forever. This is one of those growth cycles. It’s wonderful that your partner is figuring out who he is, and wonderful that you are so loving and supportive.
You can continue to be a loving and supportive friend. Platonic friend. Just as he understands that his gender identity is not movable, he must also understand so is your sexuality. You are not gay. You cannot be in a romantic relationship w a man a be fulfilled. And bc you are not his hostage, you are his partner, you must now make your exit from the partnership. Tell him you will always love and support him, but it will now be through a friendship, not as a boyfriend.
If you need time and space to grieve the relationship, you are entitled to that, and should allow yourself as much no-contact time as possible.
It’s great you are willing to be there for your friend, but don’t forget to be there for yourself, too.
You’re 14, everything feels like it’s really important but it’s not. I have a transgender brother and that was hard enough to understand and get used to as it was and we’re in our mid 20s. Don’t settle over a pinky promise, that’s very selfish of your boyfriend to do that to you. I’d have a gentle but serious discussion about your true feelings and thoughts about it all, and although you won’t change how he feels about himself, if he can’t understand and sympathise your feelings then they really aren’t worth being with.
Be mindful that if you still see them as the gender they were previously (because you still have feelings for them) it could be detrimental and give them dysphoria and make them uncomfortable after transitioning.
You are attracted to women, but despite your partner being gender fluid you seem to only view them as a girl. You should do what’s best for both of you, they just aren’t planning to appear as the gender you’re attracted to anymore. Which is great for them! But obviously is affecting you, you guys are both really young so try not to overthink this, life is very long.
If you’re straight, you’re straight. It doesn’t mean you respect your partner any less as a person, it just means you’re not attracted to men. Of course you see them as female, since that’s how you’re used to seeing them — but as they move on with transitioning (physically and socially), they will probably appear and present less feminine and you’ll get used to seeing them as a man.
Don’t beat yourself up over it; it’s awkward and upsetting for both of you.
>What I feel the worst about is that they made me pinky promise that I would never leave them, which I obliged
And you need to sit down with them and say that while you support them in their transition, you are not attracted to men. Which, if you stop and think about it, is very validating for them! And next time, don’t make promises you know you can’t keep: it may help in the moment but it hurts more when you have to take them back later.
Your partner is understandably afraid of losing you and your support. That’s why you need to make it clear to them that while you still care about them a lot, you _love_ their old self — which means that you’ll probably make great friends, but can’t be romantically involved anymore.
You two may need to take a bit of time and space away from each other until things calm down.
You can respect them and their journey without being their romantic partner. A pinky promise is not a binding contract that prevents you from breaking up with someone (it’s also not really cool to make someone pinky promise to never leave you and then try to leverage that against them, but youre both 14 so I get it). I think you should just be honest and tell them that you aren’t attracted to boys. They might not take it well because, again, youre both 14 and it’s hard to navigate a breakup at that age, but they’ll get over it eventually and realize that it’s better for them to date someone who can enthusiastically be with a guy.
please do an update n lmk