Hello everyone! As the title seems to suggest… my BF enjoys smoking weed (he currently vapes too, he keeps saying he will stop but it has been nearly 3 years). I don’t join him, as I have never smoked or vaped in my life and don’t intend to either.
The vaping is a long term health thing, though I’m not actually sure how much resolve he actually has to quit. He said he moved from cigarettes to vaping many years ago — which he said is harder than quitting vaping; can anyone advise? — so I really hope he’ll be able to quit vaping.
On to the main problem: the weed.. Well, I know it’s not *all* that bad (apart from being illegal!), but what bothers me is that he turns from being a total sweetheart to, quite simply, a total dickhead. He does this with alcohol too, as once he starts drinking he simply cannot stop. He gets blackout wasted, falls over in the shower etc, and treats me like absolute shit. Fortunately he’s been making progress on the drinking front, but he’s been smoking weed a lot more recently. Everytime he hangs out with a particular friend, he does weed — it’s basically a weekly occurrence (if we’re lucky!) by now.
I hate it. And I secretly detest this friend for doing this every week.
I’ve spoken with him the morning after several times now, and it’s always been a case of “I promise I won’t do it so often”, or “I promise I won’t treat you bad again, I’m sorry” etc… But anyway, it repeats again.
Today I spoke with him after he started saying terrible things to me again after having a smoke, and I asked him if it mattered to him at all that I didn’t like it happening so often because he was such a different person after smoking. And I asked if he could stop, or at least cut down, and he said absolutely not. I asked if he ever would, and he said he would only when he has a child because he would have to set a good example for said hypothetical child. (Like when drunk, he has a tendency to say a bunch of crap which he either a) doesn’t remember, or b) totally regrets when sober.)
Will it be a huge gamble to “wait till we have kids” and hope things get better? Should I trust him? We’re not planning on having kids soon, at least not for another 5 years or so. I love him deeply but this is chipping away at me, truly.
Any advice on how to have a serious conversation about this (successfully, if that’s not too idealistic/even possible?) will be much welcome and frankly needed.
Thanks in advance! :’)
TL;DR: Boyfriend turns into a different person after smoking weed and it hurts me. Unsure whether to believe that BF will “one day” stop.
24 comments
Y’all are incompatible. Don’t date someone who smokes, and no he isn’t going to quit.
Why the hell would you want to wait until you have children to see if he changes? If he hasn’t changed by now he won’t change in the future. This is who he is.
It would be a mistake to wait for him to quit when he has no intention of quitting. He treats you poorly and it’s not because of the weed, that’s just his excuse. You are wasting your time with this man.
>Any advice on how to have a serious conversation about this (successfully,
“It’s not working out, mostly due to your weed and nicotine addictive behaviour. Sorry, I’m outta here. Good luck with your next partner.”
You need to find someone that is more compatible with your values.
Girls like you are the most subtle kind of abuser, you don’t want him at all… you want the version of him you have created in your own mind. Do him favour and just leave. This is coming from a former daily smoker that was constantly judged for taking a medically prescribed product for GAD. The constant feeling of not being good enough amplified by my partner seriously affected my self esteem and confidence in myself. Funnily enough, when her abuse and unrealistic expectations stopped, I was then and only then able to concentrate on myself for the right reasons, heal and no longer require cannabis at all. The GAD is still present but she was a huge part of the reason I felt the need to numb my emotions instead of just facing the problem. It’s not your place to judge or change a single thing about him. Love him the way he is and work for improvement if you really want his presence in your life.
Your boyfriend doesn’t change who he is when he smokes weed or drinks alcohol, HE SHOWS YOU WHO HE REALLY IS.
“Alcohol impairs inhibitory control, and it alters implicit alcohol cognitions including attentional bias and implicit associations. These effects are seen after doses of alcohol which do not lead to global impairments in cognitive performance.”
He can control the asshole in him when he’s not drinking and lies to you to appease you. It’s worked before and keeps moving the goal post.
The problem here is not drinking. Plenty of people drink and don’t “turn” into assholes to their partners.
It is not your job to fix him, as there’s nothing to fix. He’s an asshole.
He’s not going to change You’re just not compatible over this issue. It’s bothering you because you didn’t really sign up for this. You hoped you would get over it or that he would, but it looks like neither of you are adapting.
Ignore some of the idiots in the comments calling you “abusive” or “buzzkill”. I’m a regular smoker who also vapes so I completely understand the uses, the fun, pretty much all of it. You’re not quitting smoking if you move straight to vaping, while cigarettes were his choice of poison, it’s the nicotine that is addictive so he doesn’t know what stopping vaping will be like because he’s never stopped anything. That’s like saying I’m quitting drinking so im just going to drink beer instead. That’s not quitting. Alcohol/drugs truly just bring the worst out of some people and there’s nothing you can do to change that, unless he personally has an epiphany and wants to quit everything without your prompting and he does it for him, only then will you ever see improvement. I smoke every day and the kind of person I am when I smoke is usually more calm and happy then normal, everyone I know who smokes regularly but not as often, get happy and stupid, not angry and abusive. Alcohol is a downer meaning it is more likely to bring up bad emotions and actions but weed isn’t, if he acts like this on weed it’s more than likely just a look into how he really is because if he’s getting so high/drunk he can’t control himself, his actions and reactions are more than likely his first instincts. You can’t change him and trying to do is going to run you to the ground with him. If he really understood and cared how his actions affected you, he’d stop. Point blank. Having kids isn’t going to change him, it’ll start with never again,to not when Im responsible for the kids, to as long as it’s not in front of the kids, to it doesn’t matter and he’ll get angrier and more abusive the entire way down the line. Weed isn’t the issue here, he is. The drugs/alcohol may bring this out of him but it’s his issue in not being a good person while On them and knowing he hurts you and still continuing to do it. I wish I had some relationship advice for you but tbh my only advice is leave and stop trying to change anyone but learn to love every part of someone and see if it’s compatible with you because he’s clearly not. I’d do some research into why you can’t change an addict to help you understand there is nothing anyone but him can do.
He will never change for you. You do not matter as much as the substances. He is mean and disrespectful.
What is the attraction?
I say leave the guy. He enjoys smoking and you don’t. Not compatible and I doubt he will ever quit. Time to move on. If you date any longer and have a child you might regret and despise this man- and may feel stuck once you have a child with him.
Weed isn’t making your boyfriend be an asshole. That’s just his true colors comming out. When he’s high he loses his mask and he’s showing you who he truly is. Me and hubby have been daily stoners for 18+ years and have 2 kids. Weed has never made us assholes or treat anyone bad.
You don’t smoke, he does, your incompatible. This will not change or get better. Where are you that it’s still illegal? It’s legal to smoke where I live anywhere smoking cigarettes is allowed.
He isn’t going to quit. And he doesn’t become a different person who treats you badly when he’s intoxicated, that’s who he is. Being intoxicated just gives him the opportunity to treat you like he truly wants to, it’s a very convenient excuse.
Question: Did he exhibit these behaviours when you met him?
You sound incompatible. And weed doesn’t make people act differently in such a harsh manner. The most it does is stops you from being able to filter yourself. This man isn’t stopping smoking for you because he doesn’t care about you that much. It should be evident from him being a dick after smoking
i find it a bit odd that he changes completely in such a negative way when he’s high- i don’t think it’s the weed problem, i think the problem is within him. if you alr talked to him abt it numerous times & something still hasn’t changed then i believe that actions speak louder than words! if he doesn’t change now what makes u think he will when u guys marry and have kids? don’t be one of those ppl that let their delusional thoughts fuck ur whole life over.
As someone who stopped smoking three-six blunts a day. Its not the weed. Alcohol? Sure.
Your boyfriend being mean to you while high, is him choosing to be mean to you. I have never, not once, met a mean stoner. In fact, ive met some nasty ass people who are mean while sober but while high? Kind as hell.
One thing i will say about stoners, its easier for them to say whats on their mind sometimes. Meaning, your boyfriend uses the excuse of weed and alcohol to be nasty to you.
This isnt an effect of weed, this is your bf being an asshole. Weed doesnt really affect people personalities aside from mellowing and chilling you out. Its not like alcohol where its normal to see an angry drunk.
Another thing i will say too as someone in recovery, your boyfriend cant stop smoking because hes addicted. Whether he realizes it or not. If he says he can go without it, but “chooses” not to, hes addicted. Trust me on that one.
Im sorry to say OP, but for your own good, just leave. You cant fix this unless he wants to stop. He doesnt. And no, having children will not change this.
OP, where I’m from weed is legal. Full honesty I’m a huge pothead, for years. I have NEVER been cruel to the people I care about, friends or family. If he’s cruel, if he’s a jackass, OP I’m sorry that’s all him.
Also he’s way over doing bunch. It’s a dependence at this point.
In addition, he shouldn’t lie to you. One of my siblings told their SO after some serious discussion about their future that they would smoke significantly less, and that’s what they did in time. He’s not really trying and you deserve better.
Honestly, this seems like an excuse for him to treat you like crap. Partners should never treat you like crap, regardless of their sobriety. I call BS on his whole routine.
I’ve known of plenty of people who’ve said “I’ll change when i have kids” and then they didn’t, leaving their partner stuck in a situation they never agreed to. Don’t wait for that. Even if there was some way to guarantee he’d stick to his word, why would you want to be with someone who could change if he wants to, but doesn’t think your well-being is worth it?
It sounds like you have really different values. Hard to say if it is worth staying together without knowing how happy you are otherwise, but really ask yourself if this is worth it.
On another note, weed is very very bad for sperm health. I’m 31 and so are my friends, two of my girlfriends partners have had their sperm tested and been shocked at how low their sperm levels are, both their specialists advised to stop smoking weed. It may not be as easy as ‘have kids stop weed’, that’s pretty presumptuous. Do you want to have kids with someone who you have to argue with about this kind of thing?
You can stop dating people you dont like anymore. It’s OK.
He’s not gonna change. You already spoke to him about the way he gets when he smokes, he doesn’t care enough to stop. I’ve made this mistake thinking a guy will ever change for me. Let us save you the time. Leave him.
I once had an ex say that he’d make changes if we ever had a kid, but seeing how he was the entire time together, I highly doubted it. And I’m glad I left cause he still hasn’t changed, despite not ever having a kid. Waiting to see what he’ll be like if you guys have a kid will be a huge mistake.
He’s a bit old for this behavior, no? I’m sorry, but my current partner had a Gf just like that before me, same age too. Always getting obliterated drunk, being sad and depressed bc drank every night and way too much. She kept saying “what? I didn’t do that” and repeat same behavior. Your dude is saying it will change but doesn’t, so essentially same thing. My partner looks back now and can’t BELIEVE what kind of BS he put up with for years.
Do you really want to be with a “stoned drunk kid”? He’s 3 years older than you…c’mon bro get it together or take a hike.
Hope you can avoid regrets 🙂