I (24F) currently weigh 73kg (161 pounds) and my height is 164cm (5’4) so I’m not very fat, just slightly chubby. I am actually on a weight loss journey, and have lost 19 kg (42 pounds) so far (gained 3kg back (6 pounds), but went back to the right track resuming my journey).
Now when it comes to dating, men have treated me less than dirt, either by degrading me for my weight straight forwardly by calling me names or through passive aggressive actions. I’ve had man call me names for my weight, and I have had a man say “your face looks fatter than the photo” while we were on our first date. I felt so humiliated, and it was the first date of my life so that made it all the more hurtful. And after the date he kept saying things like “go to the gym don’t be so lazy” and so I blocked him for life the next day because interacting with him felt way too toxic.
I have only been on a handful of dates in my lifetime (4 dates with 4 different guys to be precise) and all of them went horribly, either by the guy making hurtful remarks about my weight both during and after the date, or by him saying we should just be friends, or by ghosting me after the date, especially after I reject something sexual. Absolutely none of those handful dates ever resulted in a second date.
Other than this I got rejected many times by men I approached offline and online. I also got played by men online that I never met in person. Many men online only wanted sex, and while some of them were honest, some lied about their intentions and lead me on.
I tried connecting online with men who are into bigger girls, and even they rejected me. They said I wasn’t fat enough for their taste. I have an hourglass shape with a lil belly pooch, thick thighs etc., but it wasn’t enough for those guys. They wanted bigger.
It feels like most guys won’t date me because I’m not skinny enough, and even the ones who are into fat women won’t date me because I’m not fat enough.
Idk what to do anymore. Is there any hope for me?
37 comments
Date better men lol, these guys sound like complete dirtbags. Anyone that outright disrespectful isn’t even worth speaking to. You dodged bullets.
I’m similarly sized to you, roughly a size 12 in clothes. I’m a little bit round, but I’m not exactly fat. I have never had trouble getting a date. I’ve been engaged three times, and I’m about to get married. I think you’re focusing on what men think about your appearance too much. What do you think about your appearance? When you’ve got your hair done and your makeup done and your favorite outfit on, how do you feel? I think you need to do more things that make you feel beautiful.
Also, online dating is trash for everyone, not just slightly bigger women. Don’t take it personally. There are decent men out there. Try again. I went on more than 80 first dates over three years. It gets easier to do the more you do it. You eventually start to care more about if you like the guy than if the guy likes you.
Do you have any hobbies you enjoy where you might meet someone? Can you find some hobbies? I think you need to get out of your own head for a bit and enjoy who you are as a human!
You can be the most delicious peach on the tree but you’re still going to find people who don’t like peaches.
i was 165lbs and i’m 4’11. i was just fat. and i was getting laid and getting in semi long term relationships. if anything being bigger helped me know ppl found me attractive *and* liked my personality. yeah i had to weed out some folks but they existed. now that i’m 50lbs lighter, it’s hard to shuffle past the ppl who only find me attractive and are wasting my time.
just don’t force dating on you. Live your life, whatever should happen will happen.
I’m sure there’s a secret admirer of yours. love yourself and live gurl💪🏼❤️
My girlfriend weighs 175ish, and is about 5-3. Her journey involved weight loss surgery, so she has a bunch of loose skin. I love her with all my heart. You just gotta find the guys that care more about you than just your looks.
As a girl around your size, but a few inches taller, here is the key. Confidence. Once I learned how to exude confidence. Stride with pride. Flirt. I found men lining up. Didn’t matter my size. If any offer a sign of judgment regarding your weight, immediately reject them. They are boys and can’t handle us. Hold your head up high. Continue to walk with confidence.
I think you probably know the answer to the question you are asking. It sounds like you’ve been treated bad but you should also know that people are mean and you don’t deserve that. It’s not about a few pounds here and there. It’s about feeling confident, healthy and happy and true to yourself. If you are working on loving yourself and putting yourself in situations to meet men and keep some patience, the things you want will come.
36M here. My take: it’s less about your actual weight and more about your perception of your body image. I can think of women who are around your weight I’ve been attracted to and also ones I haven’t been attracted to. The difference is confidence. I didn’t find the extra weight to be a problem at all – but it *kills* my attraction when I have to constantly reassure a woman who’s very insecure about her looks.
So I really think it comes back to, how do *you* feel about the way you look? What can you do to improve your self-perception – even if your weight stays exactly the same? Therapy is one avenue, and there are others. How you can get to a place where you feel really good about who you are and what you have to offer? Then you’ll attract some great guys, I promise.
I’m a chubby guy and I love my chubby girls, there’s more to hold, hug and touch.
I love thicker thighs, bigger waist etc, you may be approached / treated right less, but that’s only by the people you don’t want to attract in the first place.
Love yourself and I guarantee someone will love you too!
Lots of dudes love curvy women. This guy included. More to hold is more to love. Keep at it. You will find a keeper one day.
This is stunning to me honestly. You are in denial and went online here to get your frustration validated but it is completely on you. If I was fat and that was the obstacle to me getting dates you know what I would do? I would get thinner. Do you want dates or not? Do you know what the problem is or not? Do you have it in your control or not? What the actual fuck. For real, why are we even talking about this.
This is you:
I am in a situation I don’t like which is completely in my control to change but I am not changing it and I am annoyed with the situation.
Is this kindergarten? You know what men want. Do you want a relationship? Then this is what it takes. Do you want to put in effort to please men’s taste to get a relationship? No? Then don’t do it. You are not going to force all men to suddenly be into your body fat percentage. They already told you they aren’t into it. So why are you still complaining? It’s nobodies fault that they are not into your level of fat. It would be different if these men told you they are not into you because of your height and you can’t change that. Then I’d understand your frustration. By the way I’m tall so I’m not projecting here but do you get my point?
Come on, you are wasting (your own ) time with your entitled attitude. It’s all in your hands. If you want to hold out for a man who is exactly into your level of fat then go ahead. I wish I could be so selective myself but it looks like even you can’t be this selective if you want to have a partner.
The comments here are hopeless and disconnected with reality
There is always hope- you just need to find men that are not shitty people.
Good luck friend and regardless – you are loved ❤️
4 dates isn’t enough. Just keep going. Put a full body “ok” photo on your dating app. A lot of guys get upset bc some women are really good at making all their dating app pics make them look way thinner than they are
It can be that unconciously you are attracted to these jerks because you think you are not good enough because you are chubby. You should work on this, improve yourself and accept your current state, and if you look around you’ll realize that not only chubby people are in a relationship but fat ones as well. Guys have different tastes and believe me, there are plenty of nice guys who would like you for yourself. Keep on going girl! 😉
Just keep dating. I’m not sure why you keep finding guys who make degrading remarks about your weight but not everybody is like that. You have to weed through the shitty ones before you find the good ones. Obviously the guys you have gone out with seem to have issues of their own to work out. So don’t give up there are plenty of guys out there it just takes a while to find them. It’s the same with guys. We get plenty of attitude and go on dates with plenty of shitty girls before we find the right one. He said you had an hourglass figure with a little bit of a belly. There are plenty of guys out there who want that. Just keep respect for yourself and don’t allow any of those guys to disrespect you anymore. I’m sure your body is fine and somebody’s going to find it so hot they won’t be able to keep their hands off of you
if your body is such a big issue while trying to date you need to put it out there in a straightforward way and not making any apologies about it. Just have your self in clothes in a picture and recent. Make sure it’s not buried in old pictures and don’t put old pictures up. And your profile should say that you are curvy. And don’t say anything else about that. don’t apologize for what you are right now come as you are. Do you want someone that wants you as you are right now and not some future version? it’s all about intention. You need to leave the hangups about your body at the door. Don’t waste your time with anyone that says a single negative thing about your appearance like make it so that you can leave that date immediately if they are treating you like that. Don’t even entertain them for a second longer than you have to.
I think your biggest problem is having low self-esteem about your self. When you have low self-esteem you will attract the worst kinds of people. Whatever you have to do to love yourself or to get to the point where you accept yourself as is right now, not some future you, and you love yourself and you know that you deserve love if you’re going to be with someone… whatever you have to do to get there is what you need to be focusing on because until then you will attract the shittiest people in the world. You don’t have to absorb that kind of abuse. Guys or girls that treat people like that need to be rejected into oblivion because they are garbage.
Do you know that you are attractive as you are and that you are worthy of love? You need to learn that well. Sure it’s easier if someone comes along and shows you but sometimes that someone that shows up has to be yourself, and be fierce about it.
Though I would give more personal advice, based on what you wrote I would say you are dating the wrong type of men.
Unfortunately, dating is hit or miss, so you have to keep trying while you improve yourself bit by bit. Do not forget to practice some self-confidence along the way.
You have had bad luck. People who like you won’t care or would actually prefer you the way you are. There are all kinds out there, just have confidence and be happy with yourself
You don’t need to go out with assholes like that if they don’t see the beauty in you they don’t deserve to be with you baby wink goes up and down it don’t change the person inside if they don’t want to be with you now they ain’t going to want to be with you when you’re skinny baby so don’t go out with them assholes go out with the guy that wants to be with you don’t want to cherish you want to have fun with you which would you like the jewels that you are hang in there baby tell me some guy to find you you want to do it you can tell my mother has to f*** off and probably left with your mama’s
Congratulations on your progress! I think a possible upside is that any health journey can be very gratifying and feel good. So, without any regard for relationships or disrespect from dudes, working out regularly feels great and creates a very positive momentum.
I want to describe a possible perspective/energy in case it helps. So I dated someone who insulted my income and I’ve been insecure physically in my life before. While I have no business tailoring my life decisions to fit someone else’s template, what I did realize in that interchange is that I IIIII really wanted a better career. And as far as physicality I wanted to be exceptional. Personally. Because it feels great. So I reached a point of getting very stoked for these ideals, not for anyone else’s sake, but the interaction made me realize that I personally wanted it. They’re clearly things I personally desire. So I said screw you to the dude who insulted me but really upped my game and it feels great now. If you can get excited about a new goal and try to separate that from the pain/insult of someone being a douche bag, you can feel the moment that happens. I start to feel exhilarated and resolved and happy to say fuck off to the haters and claim what I decide will be mine. So if you have a fitness goal or any other goal, achieve it, and know you can have that independently of what others think. Don’t spend too much time mulching over the disrespect you got from others in the past, it isn’t productive.
And you can find a loving guy who shares similar values too. My current bf wouldn’t give af if I gained extra weight, but it feels nice maintaining my concept of ideal anyway
This is so hilarious.
Just turn off the computer/phone and venture out in the real world. Chubby women all over the place doing whatever they want with whoever they want.
I am the same shape, size, and height as you…
I am an escort. Men literally pay hundreds per hour with me.
Yes. You have more than “a chance” You are currently the body standard for real women. Thick thighs and curves. Don’t sell yourself short.
You should be able to find someone. Perhaps you have just approached the wrong guys? You have to know what you are looking for and go after it. No one is going to do it for you. And you can just say you are curvy.
answer it for yourself, you can’t tell me you haven’t see girls your size date and be happy in relationships…
Live your life and see what happens. Your current methods seem to be leading you into the path of total assholes. Loneliness sucks, I know, but it’s better than eating other people’s dirt.
Tbh you’ll find dating a bitch altogether regardless of your fit or terribly over weight which it sounds like your not. It’s just a problem with todays world. Dating has become a bitch. Just focus on yourself. And eventually you will find someone that like you for you. And they won’t care about weight. I know personally I liked someone and was with them because of their personality not their weight.
These guys you mention are just shitty , I think you’ll find what you’re looking for
Don’t sell yourself short
I was the opposite of you.
I was 6’2” 150lbs male coming out of high school. Bone thin. Couldn’t seem to find a girl that was attracted to a bean pole so..
Decided to hit the gym and painstakingly try to add weight. It took a solid 4 years but after all that I got to about 165lbs give or take.
This point was memorable because it was the point I started getting tons of attention and had no problem with girls any longer. 15 fkn pounds and it was like night and day difference.
Point is; don’t waste time sitting and wondering why men aren’t generally attracted to heavier girls and tend to go bananas for fit girls. Continue doing what you’re doing (your weight loss journey), get in the gym and keep your head down and grind until you only look up because there’s a bunch of guys trying to get your attention.
If you want it bad enough and are willing to put in the work, not only is it possible, it is *inevitable*.
I think we need a level of accountability. You are the common dementor in these scenarios. Maybe you should lay-off the online dating. From what I am getting is that the pictures you have are older which is deceiving. I think you should do more face-to-face. Also maybe lower your standards. Go for the people that you know that like you and give them a chance. Men like chubby women. What we don’t like is a bad personality and not looking the same as the picture you post.
I’m a guy who likes chubby girls, but what’s most important is personality and the connection between two people. Values, respect,etc
I like chubby, also not chubby.
Everyone has a chance at dating. It all comes down to how you’re presenting yourself.
Online dating – Are you showing any full body pictures? Are they all group photos? Filters? Lots of cleavage? All of these would tell us you’re insecure in some way for you to have to put them up.
Showcase your hobbies and treat everyone the same. You’ll attract people who are more aligned to you that way.
Just be honest with yourself and everyone else. You’re on a weight loss journey so you have the grit and determination to better yourself. Huge green flag. Just don’t let all the extra attention you’ll get go to your head and you’ll be fine. 💪
Yes date older men
I’m 5’3″ and a bit over 200lbs. I met my bf on tinder about a year ago and have been happy with him since. Before I met him I went on a few dates and never had comments made about my weight (I was around 190lbs then). I’d say it’s more about ur personality and how you present yourself more than anything. I wear clothes that flatter my body and try not to let my negative thoughts about my body impact others. You got this, don’t let the negative comments get to u and continue to work on yourself <3
I’m 5’4 and 175 pounds. I’ve found that weight doesn’t always translate to looking a certain way. I used to be very insecure about my weight, knowing that the BMI deems me as obese (even though I don’t even look close to that). I went through a long cycle of self hatred and insecurity before realizing that you don’t have to fit into the society’s beauty standard in order to be beautiful. It really seems like a confidence thing here. It may be helpful to do things that make YOU feel better about your body, whether that’s working out, eating healthier, wearing certain clothes, etc. All of these things helped me to feel more confident in myself. Once you exude confidence, you’ll attract the types of guys that you want. (Granted, every girl deals with guys who just want sex, no matter how skinny they are). Set boundaries, don’t settle for less, and don’t take shit from anyone who tries to bring you down. You’re beautiful, worthy, and someone will see that and treat you as such one day. ❤️