If you had controlling/overprotective parents, how did you set your boundaries with them after becoming an independent adult? Trying to find a way to do that with mine.

10 comments

1. Following

2. Setting boundaries seems strange at your age. When they’ve literally helped every aspect of your current progression become successful

   I think at 23 you’re young and thinking you know the world and you’re ready to conquer it and make it yours, on your own to prove to everyone that you’re an adult now and you can do it.
   Nobody doubts you can.

   However
   At 30 you’ll look at your early 20s as a we all do, knew nothing compared to now and we should have not bitten the hand that feeds us and trod on the toes of those who walk with us, just to show our independence.
   We succeed in life because of the people around us and their important input.

   Don’t be too quick to out rule them, to boundary them etc just because it can be a little too much.
   Listen and appreciate and then make your mind up while forever being thankful and dignified to receive their input.

   They can’t control you
   That’s your mindset
   They have just helped their child grow and move on to be an adult, it’s a hugely difficult time for them, and a time which takes a long time to adapt too.
   Wait it out with dignity and love

3. First of all, deal with the guilty feeling. Think of them as children who do drama when all you want is set something healthy for both. Do not allow yourself to fall for the guilt trip. Keep in mind that you do care about them, you do things for them and you love them.

   Also, remember that they might had given you an easier time, but you must had to put in a lot of effort to get where you are. They aren’t the sole responsible for your victories.

   Make a list of the limitations you want to set. Be clear, consistent and firm. If you start setting boundaries then quit over guilty, it’ll be even harder for everyone to set it again. Make room for being with them/talking with them at more or less specific times/days and FOLLOW IT. It’s important to be extremely firm – but polite – principally in the begining (no exceptions!).

4. I left.

5. I have an overbearing mother, and I’ve been isolated from all of my family due to moving states away from them so she could live closer to her own parents. She was controlling and overprotective, and that compounded hard with the loss of my eldest sister. I flew the nest when I was 21, and every boundary I set was some slight against her. I had to stop all contact for a full year for her to actually realize I was an adult at last and able to take care of myself. Even then, she stalked me, although I was unaware at the time. That year apart was hard for both of us but it forced her to let go.

   Your parents need to see you as an adult, in your own right, with your own life. Their tears and anger at you trying to find independence is manipulation and desperation to hold onto you, while they justify it to themselves as having your best interests in mind. Set boundaries you’re comfortable with and stick to them. When they cross them, give your parents time outs and stick to it. Every time they cross a boundary more than once, lengthen the punishment period. They’ll begin to take you seriously once they see you are serious. Giving in rewards their behavior and they’ll continue it for as long as you allow them to.

6. It can be incredibly challenging. I can feel guilty for my reasonable boundaries. Hold firm to protect your own happiness. The better you are about maintaining consistent boundaries, the easier it gets.

7. You can also post this is in
   r/insaneparents lots of stories and advise in that subreddit

8. The trick is to set boundaries without them realising boundaries have been set. Stop telling them things about your life. Mention small things like a deal you got at a grocery store and a meal you made that tasted good, but don’t tell them anything meaningful about your life. This way they feel like they know everything without knowing anything at all.

   When they want you to visit, go. But again, grey rock them on issues like partners, job promotions or whatever it is you don’t want their hands in.

   Let them get used to ideas instead of pushing confrontation. If you can, make them feel as though it is their idea in the first place. I don’t know how much control they’re exerting over you, but just time makes them ease up.

9. hmm… I didn’t, I’ve been an addict and criminal for most of my life, so I’ve put the fear of losing a son into my mother, and she still deals with that(a couple of years ago she showed up at my house in the middle of the night, because I hadn’t replied on facebook for a couple of days(I simply forgot, read the message, forgot to reply))..

   However, it’s all become a lot better with time, but it’s because she puts in the work, not because of anything I do(besides maybe tolerance and patience?). She sees a therapist.

   And I’m 34 years old, my point to this little story is that the work is on her.. all you can do is clarify and make it known to her

10. I was in your situation. You don t have to feel bad because they raised you. It was their job, to raise you and give you what you need. Think this way: if you are going to have children, you want them to take care of you when you are old, or to have their own life. I will choose second option.

    I was raised by my grandma and everyday she is saying i left her alone. I don t feel guilt, because I know I had done my part. I m 25, and I have my own life. Also she is not alone. She is called by friend, her brothers and sisters. I mean, she gets more phonecalls in one day than me in one week :))) no joking.

    So don t feel bad. Or like a villan. You are an adult, and also parents have to know when to let their childrens go. It s toxic to make your child guilty for having his own life.